woah! manic motivation!

i just can't control it sometimes. i get these huge waves of epic motivation, and for a fleeting moment my insides catch on fire.

i'm in boone this weekend to work, which has been a welcome getaway. the weather today was absolutely amazing. my outfit felt amazing. i did not sleep well last night (i have trouble sleeping when i know i'm alone) but i got up early, which is amazing.


the store was absolutely nuts today. herds of people. but i love working saturdays because i know for 2 hours of that 5-hour shift, i'll be working with someone. that always makes things more fun. after work i stopped by walgreens to purchase some travel-friendly shampoo and conditioner, and then came home to my apartment thinking i would crash because of the aforementioned lack of sleep and waking up early.

side note
i like being here when no one else is here. i live in college-kid apartments off campus, and when i was driving up the hill today i felt like i was an adult, going to my real non-college-kid apartment after a long day of work.
scary how that's really getting so close. 2 semesters. one summer.

anyway, i got home and instead of crashing, i grabbed my neglected beauty of a guitar, put it on, played while i waited for my healthy choice pizza to bake. cute outfit + guitar + mirror in kitchen + knowledge that my apartment complex is a barren wasteland = me singing and playing REALLY loudly and pretending i am a b-list famous girl musician.

WHAT DO I WANT?! uuuughhhh!!!

anyway, i got really motivated to record more stuff on my humble garageband with my humble garageband skillz. by next christmas, i want an ep, maybe not recorded on garageband with crappy garageband skillz? an ep with my name on it. with my songs on it. just a little attainable accomplishment to be proud of.

i said it. now i'm mortified that it has been etched in stone and now i'll let myself down if it doesn't happen. or that i HAVE to put all my eggs in one basket.

tomorrow, 8pm, HALF MAN, HALF TREE on TLC. don't miss this. TLC also should pay whoever makes up these documentary titles a million more bucks. an hour.

i get really excited when i think, sam, you can do this. drink just water. do crunches. walk err'day. but i don't wanna tell you because i could very well change my mind tomorrow.
i mean, i just ate like, half a medium sized bag of one-week past expired cheetos, that aren't even mine to begin with.


what do you want? like, just something completely unneccesary for life happiness, but you want it?
i want a digital camera. it's been two years, people. i need to put into pictures how i see things around here.


dear corporate america, i'd like to be a really kickass housewifemom. sorry for all your extra hard work to make sure i could be a CEO and stuff.
also must:
go horseback riding.
go to iceland.
make a book of poetry. c'mon sam, let's get published!
not be poor forever.

this is when is start thinking: oh, right. also contributions to world peace and the Lord's kingdom. selfish.

woooaaaah motivation overdose. more cheetos.

we all act like adults

when we really are like little kids.

love this.

new york new york new york state of mind.

okay! i'm ready!

to make banana choco chip bread.

to buy some meaningful and budget-friendly gifts for a few friends and fam.

to go to the mall. but i have to go by myself, or i'll get stressed out.

to get coffee.

to not stress.

to take a shower.



now, you may be thinking "sam, it's a leeeettle late to be doing presents, don't you think?"
no. i had to de-scrooge before doing presents. and here's what i think.
i wish we celebrated Christmas for two weeks. like it used to be. because i LOVE Christmas, but i don't like it when it's spread super thin over 3 months.
it's like eating a handful of m&m's every day for 3 months instead of eating, say, a Great Wall of Chocolate Cake from P.F.Changs one long-awaited evening with friends. really dense and rich and all in one place so you can really reeeeaaaally enjoy it.



that's what i think Christmas should be.

p.s. i got a holly aiken wallet!! halleluh!

i've been kind of a scrooge.

the first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem!

but there's still time to de-scrooge.
like last night, we went to the day's house and watched a christmas story and decorated their tree. we all wore these little matching aprons and ate monkey bread!

i'm really excited about a lot of stuff.

nyc with people i laugh a lot with
new friends
new semester with some exciting classes
solidifying plans for this summer (which i hope includes spain, Lord providing)

Isaiah 61:
10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

He will provide.


it smells like christmas tree. i'm pretty sure it's a plug-in air freshener, because our tree is fake.

study break

currently drinking: seasonal drink from wired scholar (macaroon, compliments of barista tom valentine)

currently enjoying: the open door of the wired scholar, which is letting in mild 50-degree air

currently wearing: my gray and navy striped boy's cardigan, very worn in light-wash jeans, moccasins

currently wishing i could be:
nondescript
in my apartment
in a small studio making music
on my couch reading books
taking pictures
hiding away
in my bathtub

spinning

today is a chilly, overcast day in boone. for some reason, this is the only kind of weather i would accept for a day like today. Jesus is good to me, giving me weather like this to solace so many things, spoken and unspoken, in my heart.

sometimes, when i kind of self-depricatingly deny life-maintenance because i'm "too busy" or "too stressed" or "too hungry and i need to make kraft mac and cheese right now", i get to these points where i just need something to knock me spinning in the other direction. you know? like some point of force that hits me hard and it hurts but i need it.

at the store, we figured out how to hook up the stereo to music devices other than XM radio. so, i finagled some things around and hooked up my ipod today! i'm thrilled! i see this little store in a different light...
because of the change of (and control over) music, and mostly because this store seems like a little refuge for me. it's something steady and familiar to grasp on to while the rest of me is spinning back into direction.

laura, i realized something this morning as i was washing my face in the bathroom at work,
you deserve a good man.
like, a really good man.
i want him to be nervous when you draw him. is that weird?
that's a weird thing to say, but you know what i mean?
also come bring me coffee cause i'm dyyyiiiinnngggg!

more later, i'm just a little too in need of a day of life-maintenance to make any sense right now.

i miss a ton of people. you probably know who you are.

i want to wear jeans and a hoodie, and hide myself in the library with my laptop, and do a ton of work and studying, and eat and drink coffee on campus with my roommate's left over meal plan money.
gosh that sounds so good right now!

also must:
unload dishwasher
tidy up a bit
start laundry for break

also, i'm really interested in nashville, round two.
if london plans fall through, you know.
or boston. or san diego.
i think i just need Christmas break.

12:30, library

just going to take the quickest moment to update:

2 more days of classes.
2 exams.
1 poetry portfolio.

33 minutes until seminar. i'm still sniffly and consuming lots of dayquil.

it is days like today that i'm very thankful for the beautiful mac computers in the library, for hot tea, for sweet friends, for jd salinger, for nick drake.

i need to write some letters . i so wish i did not have to work in the morning.

i'm pretty sure i'm breathing loudly through my mouth, a horrible affliction on the silent floor of the library.

i've been writing so much poetry lately. and making my bed a lot.

nyc - one month to go.

goals:
eat a colorful diet
walk a lot
take multivitamin
keep praying hard
keep reading
keep writing
keep dreaming

whoever said that was right, you know, about being afraid ...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

nelson mandela, ladies and gentlemen.
good words.

hey, i hope you guys are doing well. getting through exams, work, life. christmas is near!
love, sam