tied together with string and tape

currently listening to: happy birthday - altered images (as featured on gimore girls, episode "rory's birthday parties")
currently reading: what is the what - dave eggars
currently eating: a spinach wrap and the sweetest strawberries known to man
currently excited about: the watauga county farmer's market tomorrow morning!

this week has been such a nice one. lots of time to myself. lots of self-reflection and realizations.

i have decided i don't like living by myself. i like knowing that i'm going to see and spend time with people as a default in my day. just a few days and i'll be starting my summer class, "sustainability, religion, and spirituality", and will have a little community within that class, thank goodness!

the Lord has provided again for me and, i am speechless. "tell of His marvelous works!", the psalmist says, and so i will! i thought i was going to have to pay rent out-of-pocket for the summer and give up summer school. but again He has made a miracle out of things that, ultimately, don't even matter. the very evening after i went to the bank and sat with the lady to have a constant credit line with 18% interest tied to my account (i had come to terms that this was the only option i had left...) He covered my expenses, in one check made out to samantha crowder. one check.

and my uncle is paying for my wisdom teeth surgery. and then sent me money to buy groceries. what the heck???

there's this song that goes, "how do you know that He never fails? - i've seen Him work!"

and that rings so true to me. some people have the ability to back up their faith with facts, logic, literature, history, apologetics, or years of rigorous training in doctrine. i admire those people, i respect them and wish i could have half the information they have. i barely digest the Word on a regular basis. but if one were to demand why i unfalteringly believe what i do, i can tell them that i've seen Him, i have felt Him, i have seen Him work and have partaken in the blessings thereof! hallelujah!

i can tell them of the time when i smelt the bodies of hundreds of dancing Kenyans inside a clay church building on a hot summer afternoon, praising in a tongue i can't understand, but He can. or when I looked into the eyes of a girl i barely knew, in her own home, and watched her grasp belief in something we cannot see. i can tell them of when i watched my mother weep in disappointment, fearing she failed herself, our family, God, me... only to experience supernatural blessings to provide for our needs. i have felt Him beat in my soul, in my short twenty-one years of living. i have seen many lands, i have seen their people, heard their languages, and felt the foreign breezes on my skin, knowing He is there just as much as He is here, in the United States, as i know Him to be. these are the times i have known that i've known that i've known, experiences i try desperately to bring back down to words, tying them together with string and tape.


_________________________________________________________________________________


we don't need as much as we think we do.

i've been reading a lot the past few days. at the moment there's no TV in 301, along with no furniture, so i've made a little pillow corner with a cardboard box holding my 12" powerbook where i've been watching season two of the office, the darjeeling limited, and other tv on dvd. it has also become my little reading haven, where i have consumed a surprising amount of What is the What. it's really bittersweet to not have a TV, that glorious little outlet to entertainment. i miss the travel channel and re-runs of the hills, but i know it's so good for me. it's like having to eat a mandarin chicken salad when you KNOW a cheeseburger cookout tray with fries, onion rings, and a huge tea would taste soooo much better. this is the first time in my life i've felt compelled to make a reading list, so i've done it for this summer, and i know it would never be accomplished with a TV as my willing companion in the empty apartment.

i've read a lot while at work, too, especially this week because it's been so dreadfully slow. it is the week between spring semester and first summer session, the week preceding memorial day, the week where boone becomes a barren wasteland (sometimes enjoyably so, other times frighteningly so).

so, yes, i've been sitting behind the counter of a highly priced girls clothing and accessories boutique (it's "urban chicwear", kristen says), but i've really been in the thicket of southern sudan, walking along the path with achak and hundreds of other displaced dinka boys, a third-person fly-on-the-wall witnessing all those terrible things as he recalls them. i'd guess a collective hour a day i spend with him in those pages, reading slowly, reading it so i can hear how he'd say it, and his voice plays in my head like a song. dave eggars is a mastermind of a writer. sometimes i underline things that aren't profound, but are worded so brilliantly i don't want to forget it. i want to emulate it.

so, no, i don't need a tv, but i miss it. we don't need three meals a day (or six small meals a day, for those metabolically minded) but that is our social construction of reality (thank you, dr. carp and your crazy Histories of Knowledges class!) we do not need ipods but, alas, i am budgeting for a new one because the hard drive broke on my other one last august and i think i need it. the quality of my life as i experience seems nicer with john coltrane playing in my head. we don't need cell phones. down comforters, full-time jobs with benefits and a parking pass, coffee in the morning. i don't need a microwave, a camera, a keyboard, or art. life, the bare bones of it, needs so much less than what we could even imagine and so much more than we could ever hold in our hands.

culture is so funny. life, when faced with death, is intoxicating, sifting out what doesn't matter and bringing to the front the few things that do.

the collective sigh of relief

how thankful am i for a few days home to rest! not just sleep, but rest. to find rest in my spirit and stay there a while.

to wash my skin with clinique soap!
to keep the windows open, even during the night when it gets cold, and cuddle up with clean blankets.
to do laundry at a leisurely pace.
to sleep 8+ hours in consecutive nights.
to nap just because i feel like it!
to read lewis when i have free and inspired moments in my day.
to meet dear friends and eat and have wonderful conversation!
to tie up loose ends.
to breathe in and feel it in my heart.
to do what i can remember of yoga on my green mat and fib the rest.
to be perfectly fine with bad weather and rejoice in the good weather.
to get in my swimsuit and go sunning!
to play the piano as much as i want and pretend like i'm really good at it.
to go on walks and drives and outings, in parks and cul-de-sacs and shops.


okay, so, exams are done and summer is here! WOOHOO! for a while there i wasn't sure if i'd EVER see summer. i've been working so hard that, now that i'm here, i have no idea what to do with myself! i need to make a list of summer "goals and randomies" (as i so fondly call them) for the season.

and i have successfully completed my first year at appalachian state. i have come a long way, across state lines and in all kinds of majors and classes and colleges, and i am happy and settled where i am now. i had to learn a lot of stuff, and it was hard, and i'm here, and i'm glad.

at the moment, i am home for a few days and will be heading back up to boone to spend the majority of the summer. the apartment in boone is left only with imprints of where furniture used to be, and i'm unsure of how long it will be before it feels like a little shnuggly home again with plentiful furniture, roommates, friends, food, and fun.

this summer is not going to go as i had planned. i heard once that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. but then i heard that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. and once that "many hands make light work"... but enough with that jargon! i was planning on taking two classes and working two jobs, saving money, and getting to know the great outdoors that is just sitting outside of my little apartment 301. instead, i can't take the classes i had hoped to, and i've only got one job. i'll be roommateless and tight on money. hmmm. hey, God? what are You up to? i'm asking and listening. all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, so i'm looking forward to seeing what happens.

here's what i know will happen as of now:

work at gladiola girls
joy's wedding (hair and make-up lady extraordinaire!)
and all the showers and luncheons and whatnot that come with a wedding.
spending time with one of my very best friends
turning 21!!
nancy and will's wedding. week long celebration!
and...
wisdom teeth removal. oh. no.
music and friends in beaufort, nc.


maybe...

a class?
finding a boone church to connect to?
cassie's wedding in nashville?
music?
good things?
hard things?


here's to summer and new days ahead!

-samantha

life, and the procrastination station

i'm in the library again today, but experiencing much less stress than last time. oddly enough, i probably should be stressing more. i'm looking to my right and there's a blue flyer on the table about a stress-free study break with free food and stretching and breathing deep. today has been a strange day.

breakfast as an exam.
beautiful weather.
new yellow frock.

....but i couldn't find my flash drive, i have to pay a lot of money this summer i wasn't expecting to pay, i have no idea what kind of furniture will be (or if there will be any)in our apartment this summer, and i officially ran out of money on my meal card.


bugh. that's a lot to chew on for one afternoon. i am the kind of person that, when something of that magnitude hits me in the face, i just can't say anything. i'm stunned, and it's better that i don't find words to say, i think. i can sort through my feelings a lot more clearly when i'm outside of the situation for a little bit. so, i just had to hop in the car and drive to campus to get away, and so far it's been enjoyable.


just a quick testament of His grace: all of this was met with the perfect song at the perfect time, a beautiful long-awaited letter in the mail, a mini-storm, a sister phone call, a free turkey caesar wrap from tiffany, and psalm 25:10


All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.


i have to make mention of that. i don't have to know how it will work out.


i haven't heard thunder in so long. it was such a welcome sound, like hearing an old friend say hello again. i'm so ready for you, summer, as much uncertainty as you bring along with you.


today: finish assignment, print, drop off, watch last episode of season 7 of f.r.i.e.n.d.s, pray a lot
tomorrow: holy and sacred last day as roommates day, filled with top-secret adventures in valle crucis(but mostly an unhealthy amount of cookout and f.r.i.e.n.d.s.)
wednesday: political science exam... and DONE! yes! work at gladiola girls
thursday & friday: home-time-fun-time, bridal hair, lunch dates, sunbathing, et cetera...
saturday: celebration in boone! new dress and all.

it's go time

currently drinking: iced turtle from the wired scholar (apropos for sunny, 75, and study time)
currently thinking about: the list of things that need to be done today
currently really thinking about: how much i'd rather be outside
currently sporting: the brightest pink nail polish and a hoodie that isn't mine

ridiculous! classes are done? classes are done! and in the next few days i have to pull it together, starting now, right this very instant. (and in less than a week, my first year at appalachian will be complete. hallelujah! more on that later.)

i'm in the library, on the ever-faithful silent floor, along with quite a few others buzzing about with things they have to get done before the first day of finals. i can hear the frantic clicking of the keyboards all around me, mixed with sighs, and i'm thinking... i probably should not have chosen to sit right in front of the window. today, well, today is beautiful. one of the best boone days i've seen so far this year. and i have to empty my head of a few things before i begin...

my anthropology methods proposal
studying for my hebrew literature final
and studying for astronomy

the past few weeks have been a blur of all sorts of things: disappointments, excitements, newness, stress, hope, nervousness, victory. the gritty stuff that makes life so rich. in the midst of it all, i have found myself losing touch with God, and having to blurt out to Him, "i miss you, i miss you." He is so good, pursuing me in all kinds of ways even when i'm terribly distracted.

my hands are shaking with caffeine and my head doesn't know how to sort out all that i have to do and all that is happening around me. i really don't hate it. it makes me realize that i am here, doing what i need to do, living and knowing that i was made for such a time as this.

last night i was sitting with a dear friend of mine whom i haven't really talked to in a while. she sat so close to me and looked me straight in the eye, "sam, i just need time for myself, i just need good girl time." distressed and honest, vulnerable and sincere, she confessed to me. it struck me and stuck with me the rest of the night. how very important is time away and alone, time to restore and refocus. in college, especially, it is so easy to let community become something it wasn't intended to be- something that drains us dry as we use it for a crutch beneath the weight of our diluted selves, instead of something that edifies us and builds us up. and i keep mulling over the startling realization that girls, so many times, will distance themselves from other girls in times of great need. i speak of myself the most. perhaps we are afraid of letting ourselves be completely seen, afraid of the possibility of not being accepted or being spoken poorly of because of our lack of ____. that is how i feel so many times. we need the support of our sisters so desperately! Lord, help me to be open and honest, that i can be encouraging and edifying in my relationships.

okay, seriously, it's 5:16. and i'm nowhere near done!


tonight's reward for today's hard work:
war of the buttons on VHS and free papa john's pizza from the village.

it's go time!