a little song

pimples
oh pimples
you are on my face.

the phone
the show "the phone"
i am watching you and i can't stop.

mac & cheese
kraft macaroni-cheese
you were really buttery

a nap
i took a nap
it lasted three hours long

sneezy
itchy water eyesies
spring is not really funny.

i am
not getting
any work dooooone!!!!


fin.

saturdee

i am borrowing amanda's chocos for one week.

i already have a choco tan on my foot.
oh maaan.
boooone. what are you doing to me?


i'm looking forward to:

1. spanish class this summer
2. getting my basket & bell for my bicicleta
3. one of my very best friends getting married in july.
4. going home for the pour house show and staying home to enjoy raleigh summer for a few days.
5. really going to nashville. no, really. i'm going to nashville to visit my long lost friends and to deliver a late birthday present (you know who you are.)
6. turning 22. when did that happen?
7. summer adventures (i'm going on a LOT this summer. hiking. camping. tubing. kayaking. general sweaty activities and not showering for a while.... )


i need to pray for:

1. consistent work opportunity for this summer
2. internship for next spring
3. lots of other stuff.

so i stand up, walk towards the door, and politely excuse myself.

i really, really want to rearrange my room.
"wait til you're done with the semester"

i really want to read the FITNESS magazine which lies casually on my bed to my right.
"but you have to submit to your online class right NOW!"


maybe it's because i'm on my period that....

1. i'm not making any sense
2. i'm eating everything in sight. even everything not in sight that i just think up. like today i thought "i want pizza" out of nowhere so i ordered up a medium pizza from the pizzeria and then decided i should probably eat a slice of tiramasu cheesecake to go with it. and then soda? holy whale!
3. i listened to 2 lines of some ray lamontagne song and started thinking about anything and everything and started crying in my bed because i miss people and i'm tired and i'm irritated and my wallet is constantly empty
4. my best is not good enough sometimes. that is a fact of life.
5. i feel guilty about EVERYTHING.


so i started listening to christmas songs accidentally... and i love it. what kind of.... what is this??
2 weeks 2 weeks 2 weeks.
hey if i see you i'll give you big hug and if YOU see ME give me a big hug! we can do this!


these are some great things about life recently,
which i am listing because i'm feeling so guilty about being a big fat whiner.

1. my dear friend is letting me have a diana camera he found for a very small price! hallelujah!
2. i finished my creative nonfiction essay and i kind of like it! (if you'd like to read it, click on the "my writing collection" link to the right just over there) ---->
3. the weather is going to be great this weekend
4. i got to just sit and have a really great conversation with a sweet friend today in the coffee shop
5. i keep having really cool dreams
6. i don't deserve favor but i get it
7. dr. b looked me right in the eye today and said "hey, how are you doing?"... i must look more stressed than i thought. but it's wonderful to know people are aware

ummm really?

[not] dear semester,

i am tired of you now. you have outstayed your welcome.

you made me get sick, what with all of your demands and infected door handles.

you make me cranky and ill at people.

and i haven't worked out and i'm about to start my period and therefore i look in the mirror and what do i see?

beluga whale. your fault, naturally.

really, why do you have so much going on?

i just think you wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have all that stuff going on.

quit with the bells and whistles. let's just get back to the basics.

i mean, it's not all you... it's just... april.

she's such a B. toying with my emotions. warm for a day. not warm for a week. sunny.... then snowy.

work on that for me, okay? have a chat with april.

cause i don't know if i can make it to may 5th without having suffered some type of panic-induced heart attack.

i'm in if you're in. we can do this together, semester.

and if you don't do it, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR A.

just throwin it out there,
sam

happenings, plans, bikes

it has been a crazy last week / weekend / this week.

i've been interning at a local church, helping out with busy work around the building and helping with some of their social ministries. it's a lot of time put in, and it's kind of a fur piece out there in the mountains of boone, but it has been such a blessing. a nice get-away in the week, meeting new people and genuinely, non-church-creepy friendly faces.

plus all of the following:
classes
tests
catching up
still falling behind
going here
running there
trying to have moments of sanity in betwixt.
i know i talk about it "all" a lot, but i really don't hate it.

i know i'll look back at this semester and think, "dang girl. you did it!"

last weekend the gospel choir went to atlanta.
from friday morning to tuesday afternoon (talk about your long weekend).
i got to see someone very dear to my heart.
i got to spend time with people who make me laugh,
and i got to feel like i was living out Sister Act II.
the weather wasn't quite as i had hoped, and i missed being home with my family and the babies,
but it was still a really fun time and i rode roller coasters at six flags. holla!

i've been a little sick.
thankfully i was still able to sing last night for the LEGENDS show with mike,
but i woke up this morning and my body said:
"no, sam. you're doing nothing today."

so that's what i did. i'm still in the clothes i slept it. i have been on this couch for too many hours.
i'm slightly disgusted in myself
but i'm doing it for my own good.

*****************************************************************

in a perfect world
i'd marry for love and then find out that he's filthy rich.

woops! wait. pause. rewind.

in a perfect world
i'd graduate college in december.
then have a kick-a internship next spring.
(TOMS shoes? invisible children? samaritan's purse?)
get my diploma in the mail after said internship and have a HUGE party with funfetti cake.
get my dream job (to be determined) in raleigh (as if raleigh HAS any dream jobs)
live in a beautiful apartment with jess, whit, and cat
ride my bike everywhere and go to church at visio dei
get to see my family regularly

i think about this a lot.
but i try to not think about it too much.
apparently enough to blog about it.
maybe now that it's out there it'll not be trapped in my mind so much.
or maybe now that it's out there i'll feel really stupid a week from now
when all of my plans change.
which happens a lot.

but then, i'm really glad my plans are just my plans,
and if it doesn't come out that way, and chances are it won't,
it means there are way way better plans in the works for me.
better, meaning, the best.

i still believe, no matter how "adult" i get
and how "real" the world gets
His plans are better than we can ever imagine
in the best way possible.

it's kind of win-win with Jesus.
hallelujahpraisethelordamen.


i wanna ride my bike.
but my chain is locked on it, and i forgot the combination.

what does it mean to be a friend?

i know. this sounds mundane. too "campy", like we're going to talk about this around a fire and then have a "share" time about friends who have really been there for us.

but think about it, just a moment, and ask yourself:
what does it mean to be a true friend?

i asked myself this, in my head, in my little head voice, questions resonated:
"sam, what does it even mean?? what does it look like and how do i do it??"
over lunch on sunday.

we were sitting at an iron table, outside at a cafe on fayetteville street. downtown raleigh, on a day like last sunday (80 degrees, light pollen-laced breeze, little potted trees lining the brick and cobblestone avenue, home to odd and confident street musicians and watch-worthy passersby) feels no less than a scene in a salinger novel. on days like these, i feel lucky.

i asked myself this question out of necessity.
sunday, i realized i have no idea what it means to be a friend.

when a call or text or email is not nearly enough to help,
and you're even afraid it might do more harm than good,
what is a friend then?
just sitting back and praying silently? letting them know of your sideline involvement and care only so often?

or when even a lengthy face-to-face conversation or hug or touch of the hand feels awkward because it's not enough and both of you know it,
what is a friend then?

is it being sympathetic or sharing words of wisdom?
is it even talking at all?
or is it just listening and letting them talk?
is it crying when they cry and laughing when they laugh and staying silent when they're heavy with concern?

i don't know.

none of us can do this in our own strength,
even at our strongest.

rosalynn, don't you know the sun will shine on you again

i'm in raleigh.

it is sunny and beautiful.

i'm drinking a coke in a can and i like it. (?)

i got a chance to share my music with people last night.

i hope i can do that more often.

my phone is dead and i am not re-charging it right now.
i'm just hiding away at the girls apartment. watching the last few episodes of gilmore girls.
about to go to my parents.

and that is just the thing i needed.

snippits

my nail polish looks like the signature barbie pink / a bottle of pepto bismol.

nine times out of ten, i am late.



i don't just live on second chances,
but third, fourth, and fifth ones.

i need a lesson in enjoying the "here and now"
instead of just living in my thought life, which is based largely in the future.

take a deeeeep breath sam crowder.

i am just tired.

exhausted.

i had this thought the other day

i would love to escape to a place where i was really, really alone. no cell phone access, no computers, no one else's knowledge of where i am, just for a weekend.
complete solitude.
with books and a pen and my notebook, a piano, a guitar, and time with just me and God.

that sounds more than perfect right now.


(some people get re-vamped by being around people
others re-vamp by being alone.
i am absolutely the latter.
i am slightly a hermit.)

i think i'm saying all this because,

1. i'm tired right this moment.
2. i've been going non-stop (class music class home music friends family phone calls don't be a jerk work work class sleep gym food etc) for an irritatingly long time
3. i let people down because of how busy i am and how much i let that busy-ness exhaust me.
4. i JUST WANT IT TO FREAKIN BE SPRING ALREADY. seriously. let me wear some sundresses.
5. i've been in the same place for almost two years. i am itching for something different.
6. i'm neglecting alone time with God.
7. i'm watching Tough Love on VH1.


i went home last weekend to see my friend jess play at jack sprat in chapel hill. jess and i have been close close friends (along with the other half of our best friend quartet nancy and heather) since my ninth grade year. she's an amazing musician and is recording her first solo full-length album, and i could not be any more excited for this release.

on saturday jess and i spent the afternoon eating chick-fil-a (yesss!) and practicing some of my original songs in the empty sanctuary of my home church. i was invited to play a show this friday (alongside jess' full band, our friend catherine walker, and a few others) to benefit Remember Nhu. what a great opportunity, seriously. i am rich with blessings, from beautiful friendships to the chance to create and share music.

i'm excited. nervous! my fingers fail me when i play my own music in front of people. but i know it's something i want and need to do! so i will suck it up, stop being such a baby, and play my own freakin music in front of an audience!

it was nice to be home, but not nearly enough time to just sit and enjoy raleigh.
(every time i go back there, i realize how cool that town really is. maybe it's just my 20-something eyes that see it a little better than my teen-angst eyes did.)

i was able to catch a few minutes to enjoy the warm non-mountainy weather and take a jog through the trails around my house. these woods provide just a little bit of the perfect-weekend-solitude feeling i mentioned earlier. i've been walking these trails since i was a little girl (with my dad, sisters, and neighborhood friends), up through my high-school years (where i had my trusty "spot" at the base of an old tree at the "point"), and i continue it now, with an ipod in tow and thoughts that i can allow to spill out recklessly as i run over roots, leaves, rocks, and creeks.


(yes, i totally got my mom to take a photo of me at the start of the trail. she stood up on old railroad ties to get the "perfect" picture! thanks mom :) )

this is a great representation of the scene i always drive up to when i go home to the city of the oaks - my dad, in that rocking chair on the porch, probably calling out for our dog maggie, the bane of my existence at home and my dad's pride and joy in life. i love it.



too many thoughts. too late at night. too sleepy and irritable. must. sleep.