the lights are still up.

and it is weird.

i love christmas time. i get sad, though, because this whole time i knew, and i would think to myself, that the one day will come and all in an instant, it's gone. it's done. the cold and gray is much more beautiful when there are lights and carols and garland and eggnog, and i myself would be willing to celebrate christmas over an extended period of time instead of it resting on one day. we make celebrating the birth of our Christ kinda lame. sorry christmas, i just didn't feel you like i wanted to this year. i know you're the best holiday, but we just need to work on it a little.

i would love some bojangles right now.

there are two trips that i hope to take in the next few years. i hope to take a trip to anchorage, alaska in may of 2009. the world beard and moustache championship will be taking place there, and this is something my friend matt and i are dying to witness! also, i have always wanted to see the northern lights, and now that i've taken one semester of astronomy i feel like i'll appreciate it a whole lot more.

and i'd also like to take a trip to the UK, Ireland, and Scotland, hopefully before i graduate. i'd like to go and take my time, look at apartments in the suburbs of london, check out potential jobs, and just explore. i want to read books about the history so i can go and really experience those places. anyone in?

now, i don't make a lot of money. and my family is not in a position to fund any trips, well, of any kind! usually, the travels i experience are through a church ministry, and can be funded by people who want to support that. so, the idea is to make a plan to where i can go on these trips and NOT be absolutely broke.

experiences of a lifetime vs. being able to support future family comfortably

adventure and living life to the full (vs.) comfort and living life to a more humble, but powerful, kind of full

what is the wise choice here?


obviously i just need to pray about things more. i find it hard to believe He cares about stupid stuff like that. but that's what makes Him so different. it is His strange and all-encompassing love that drives us, and drives me.


i just can't express how much i want to be quieted by snow.

...i simply remember my favorite things...

so, right now i'm sitting in my pj's, beside the fire. the tree is lit, and i'm watching some movie on superstation, and i really should be feeling happier than i feel.

i actually should be at work right now. they scheduled me for eight hour shifts, seven days in a row. first, i am very thankful for the opportunity to work. second, i like working in jewelry so much more than fragrances. third, that is just too much work for any one person!

so i called in sick and i've been in my pj's all day. i've been dealing with some heavy stuff this christmas break. sometimes i just lose sight of the things i love, and why i even love those things at all. when there are things to deal with, sometimes it's easier to just shut down for a little bit, and not deal with anything at all.

today was one of those days. one of those "i don't want to deal" days. so now i'm going to try and deal:



i'm overwhelmed with relationship....stuff. guys. there's nothing terribly crazy going on, but, i'd love to have somebody right now. i could have something, but not the kind of something i've been waiting so long for. i wish for patience, confidence in myself, confidence in what i believe, and the feeling of content at my state right now. everything around me is telling me that at this age, i should be in a relationship, and what kind of relationship that should be. it's everywhere. what's wrong with YOU if you are alone? at twenty, you should go out on dates and share kisses and have boyfriends and always play a game. you don't want to be the one being played, so always keep the upper hand. there is always a game to be played. maybe i just need to grow up a little, maybe i'm just seeing it the wrong way. i want to believe there is nothing wrong with me. and i don't like games. i like honesty, and i honestly want that.

i feel distant from God. it's been maybe two weeks since i've really just sat down and quieted myself before Him. bam, there it is. i feel dry. i want God. i want Him and i know everything else can fail and disappoint me, people i love, things i love, i can disappoint myself, but He will never fail me. it's rough to believe that sometimes. i know He's a lot bigger than we tend to give Him credit for. i want my life to be reverence of Him, celebration of Him, trusting in Him (because no matter how hard i try, i just don't and can't understand Him sometimes).


in the grand words of maria, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when i'm feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad! so here it is, my favorite things. call it counting my blessings...

-the perfect music at the perfect moment
-seeing places i've never seen before
-beautiful, honest conversation
-laughing embarassingly hard and loud
-that look, the look you see in other people when they look at you, and you know you're cared about.
-good cries. the kind that kind of burn your heart.
-stories that kind of... transport you to somewhere greater.
-great outfits you feel absolutely, simply beautiful in.
-the feeling of working really, really hard and accomplishing something.
-brown paper packages tied up with string
-driving around, looking at christmas lights with great music. (my current favorites to light-gaze to include the daylight brigade and hans zimmer's score to "The Holiday")
-cookout tray, burger with everything plus bacon minus pickles, onion rings, fries, and a huge tea. with a banana fudge shake on a good day.
-the spin doctors.
-that jewelry commercial that has landon pigg singing in the background.
-cupcakes and hot tea. specifically the tea that tom makes me at the wired scholar.
-big cities that make you feel so small, yet important for just being there.
-secretly loving trashy reality television shows, and knowing i am NOT alone!
-walking, swimming, yoga, running. just taking initiative of your own body.
-wonderful sitcoms (beverly hills 90210. gilmore girls. f-r-i-e-n-d-s.)
-mix-tapes made especially for certain road trips.
-weight watchers pink lemonade. it is so tasty!
-when things are in a state of order, and clean. i really need to clean right now.
-mutemath live in concert.
-music videos. those little pieces of art.
-warm woolen mittens.


i have a lot of good things in my life. great things.

i know i should be sleeping now

tonight...
i've already written in my journal, you know, the pen and paper one.
i've attempted to chat a little with some of my friends, via phone, email, and so on.
i've painted my nails,
and exhausted every means, i feel like.

i'm just lonely.

i feel like i want more from my life. i want for someone to look on and be able to say "THAT, that is radiance"... or passion, or dedication, or beauty, or humility.
i want it to stand for something so much bigger, so much more than it does now.

i know i want to finish college. it's a miracle i'm here, and a blessing that i have this resource. it just, still, seems so far away. and my insides are itching for something out of the ordinary.

so, i guess i'm going to have to learn how to incorporate the extraordinary into the ordinary.

my goodness, patience!

just one of those nights,
-s

the night the pot head kissed me. yes.

sometimes, things do not happen like we imagine them. when this happens, it's best to laugh.

sometimes it happens worse than you imagined, sometimes better, and sometimes it's just different. whichever way it has happened, i say - find a way to get a chuckle from it!

i seriously am at a point of delirium, what with a total of three hours of sleep last night, the crazy sleeping patterns of the past week, all of the exams, and the extravagant events of the past few days of my humble little life. as i sit here on my last day as an office receptionist this semester, i am looking at my situation from the outside in, and i cannot help but laugh.

of course these things would happen to me! and let me simply say that this happened way differently than i thought it might. i am more and more convinced that one might even be able to write a book about all of the absolutely ridiculous and stupendous things that have happened to me, and someone might even enjoy reading it. you know, i just like to think of the things i've gone through as stories. and the best way i'd like the stories to be told is as if they were satires.

so, needless to say, i'm ready to leave this mountain town for a good little while, and get some real, thorough healing for my heart. to be around my family. to celebrate engagements, and lingerie, friendships, birthdays, and a really great birth day. to remember who i am and who i have been called to be. to grow in strength and humility. to feel grace. to be thankful for the men in my life who act like men and treat me like a lady.

so today, even with three hours of sleep, i turned in my take-home exam, walked around all over campus and king street doing a stupidly long list of to-do's (including picking up a mug i painted for my dad for Christmas, and taking my resume to Gladiola Girls). i said the final goodbye to the sticky situation over lunch, and when i came home - instead of taking a much needed nap before work as i suspected i would - i got the cleaning bug. i wanted to clean every little bit of that apartment, every square inch, and i did. i did in a sleepy stupor. and i can't tell you how excited i am to come home to a clean apartment, a clean start, almost packed bags, and an exclusive special viewing of, none other than, THE HOLIDAY.

i am so ready for the highway tomorrow! God, thank You for never loving me less. my hope, and my ability to laugh, rests in this.

-s

faux-mance

ohhh man.

i'm watching dolly parton sing "i'd like to spend christmas with santa" on CMT. i think it's a movie or something. her hair is so big and i love it!

yes, it's 3:30 and i'm still in my PJ's. i just need a little healing day. i need to go to the market and get some fruit, vegetables, and milk. i need to write a paper and remember that i, samantha whitfield crowder, am a bondservant to someone who won't ever, ever let me go.

there are times that i do things and one part of me is looking on thinking, woah sam! this isn't you. get outta there!

there are so many times i just don't feel strong enough. i want to make things right, and be most true to myself and my God, but i don't want to disappoint anyone. the thing is, i just can't please everyone. it's impossible. i can't be the perfect girl to every guy who is interested. i can't be the movie-script type of person i wish i could be, and the down-right truth is that i make mistakes, all the time. and i can't tell if i'm making one now, and if i am, how to go about fixing it.

i know what type of relationship i want to have with someone. i see those kinds of relationships all around me, and i'm so thankful for that. but it's so hard to believe that i'm going to get it someday, and i don't know if i'm patient enough to wait for it. i've lost a lot of hope over the past few years, my trust has been broken and i've been hurt in ways i didn't know someone could make me hurt. everything is so mixed up right now.

"Smoky Mountain Christmas" is what this movie is! i love dolly so much.

prayers will be appreciated, to those who read this.


three days, and i'll be home :) my Christmas shopping is almost done, and i'm NOT broke! yes!

life and music

"i will find you there, and i will mend your heart" - william fitzsimmons

today, i woke up to the booming sounds of what i though was a truck outside of our window. when i looked out, the morning sky was all kinds of gray, and the trees were being pushed about, helplessly trying to stand their ground. the sound wasn't a truck, it was the wind, huge gusts blowing up against and through the cracks of the windows and door. i loved it.

when i was walking from jazz (last day of jazz ever!) to interdisciplinary praxis (last day of that, too!), i just kept thinking to myself, today... today is especially beautiful. ominous, and dangerous, and passionate, and beautiful. hat, peacoat, extra-long scarf, gloves, long-johns, tea - THIS is the weather i've been waiting for!

i just wish it had snowed, of course.

today i was reading this article i found in an old magazine, and i liked it so much. now, if people will quit quarreling over silly stuff and start praising:

"1. Verbally point out something that someone is doing that you admire or support, every day.
2. Seek out admirable behavior in others that they might not repeat, and compliment them.
3. Make a list of your own wins
4. and give yourself a little pat on the back every chance you might notice, from this moment on."
(Gail Blanke, as seen in real simple, october 2007 issue)


i don't know about the majority of others, but for me... you see, i've had a long run with setting myself up to crazy standards and then feeling absolutely terrible when i can't meet them. i use the standards of others, wanting to be like them. i've felt like God likes me less when i can't do things "right", and likes me more when i do everything just as i wrote in my way-too-perfect-for-real-life list of goals.

and when all is said and done, and i get to the end of the day and i'm just... me.... i feel crummy, and then i feel crummy about feeling crummy. and then i think, "well sam crowder! why do you even matter? just get on with it and love your neighbor. that's what matters."

someone once asked Jesus, "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied to him: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
(matthew 22: 37-38)

the second is like the first and foremost commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself.

well, sam crowder, you can't love your neighbor very well until you love yourself.

this, i know, has been a long run and is on a beautiful (and long, sometimes bumpy) uphill climb to a point where i can live, day to day, moment by moment, freely and content in the grace and pure Love of a King.

__________________________________________________


i did make a gingerbread house today!!! it fell apart, though. i felt like i was on Ace of Cakes. i also went swimming in a heated pool with nancy, and did laps, and other funny things.

with that said, i've been listening to this music so much, and these songs particularly make my heart beat faster...

1. william fitzsimmons - holiday album - "covered in snow"
2. john mayer - "say"
3. hans zimmer - the holiday score - "anything can happen" (but everything is so wonderful on that album.)
4. radiohead - in rainbows - "faust arp" and "weird fishes/arpeggi"
5. iron & wine - the shepherd's dog - "resurrection fern"
6. sufjan stevens - hark! songs for christmas - "angels we have heard on high" (... and everything else too.)
7. vanessa carlton - heroes and theives - "nolita fairytale" and "hands on me"
8. imogen heap - speak for yourself - "just for now" (.... still)
9. nellee hooper - romeo + juliet vol. 2 - "morning breaks"

it's saturday and it's december

currently watching: Season 4, disc 3 of Gilmore Girls. Lorelai and Luke are breaking the bells.


currently wearing: most of my pajamas masked in an outfit because i got ready in ten minutes! carpe diem!


currently wishing: that it would snow so much


favorites of this week-
puppy chow snacks, watching white christmas, pizza with extra sauce, first vanilla steamer ever that i fell in love with, hearing God whisper, Ecclesiastes, poetry kicks, christmas candle, meeting and getting to know great people, making salads, jones soda root beer, gloves, illegally cat-sitting Shakespeare "Shakey" the cat (who is on a diet), and nancy's polka-dotted sheets :)

you know what i just realized? i only have to attend four more classes this semester. four! jazz music, interdisciplinary praxis, astronomy, and literature. and i am sooo done with selling tickets at the info desk.

i am reeeeally looking forward to the next few weeks...it will include all of (but not limited to) the following:

no classes, doing some studying, taking it easy, hanging out with new and old friends, getting some great hours in at the union, sleee-heee-heeeping!, watching lots more friends and gilmore girls, and seeing my beautiful friend who has been living in costa rica finally back in nc for the Christmas season! hallelujah!

and hey. i have successfully made it through my first semester at appalachian state. and i have a big fat smile on my face!

on a lighter note ♪

we've hung our christmas lights in the apartment. i LOVE it!

the December issue of Blueprint magazine has the most beautiful cocktail dresses. it makes me want to throw swanky holiday parties with eggnog and heure d'ivoires and nice music in the background. you know?

it snowed last Thursday. hallelujah! it was so beautiful, although it didn't stick around long. i pray there is much more to come.

the last home football game was today. i enjoyed it so much, and i loved the giant Yosef, and my toes froze. i am proud to be a mountaineer, with all of our rifle-shooting and black-and-gold-ness. we ate the best pizza afterwards (Capones, you have my heart), and hung the lights, and listened to sufjan's Christmas albums. not much will make me any happier, i assure you!



i'm in a reading and writing kick, this week. reading C.S. Lewis on a whim, and rhyme and verse are flowing out of me a lot more than usual. i put together a little poetry blog, with nice pictures and things that if nothing else, make me smile and think, "Lord, You are good". i am happy when things are quiet, and i find it in me to turn off the noise and pick up a book, or sit and make something beautiful out of simple words.

also, i can't stop listening to imogen heap's "just for now".

two days of school, 3 papers, and 3 hours of work until i'm home for Thanksgiving.

apple pie!

breathe in. it is well with me.

this is painful, trying to find a balance between divinity and daily. peace and desire.

"be content, samantha. life is so good as is. you are blessed beyond belief. you have a powerful purpose you don't even know yet. this is exciting."

i am. it is. thank You, my Lord.



but what i really want to say right now is,

i'm ready to be older. i feel old. i want to own my home and read the newspaper and have a salary and benefits. i want to drink wine while i'm reading a book by the fire. i want to get on a plane to visit my hometown for holidays. i want to write "thinking of you" letters on fancy stationary.

i would like to know what it feels like to have a young man actually treat me like he truly cares for me.
i could treat him like that. i can do it. i want to love and be loved. what an amazing adventure that would be.
and i'm ready to jump, i am.

i am tired of waiting by the phone. i do not expect him to act any way other than he has (though i hope he will). he has proven himself, not once, but three times that i am not worth it to him (though i am praying there is some yet-to-be-heard explination that will make me cry). this is hard, getting over it. and being twenty. and still hoping.


life is good, yes. and i need some patience.

pass the oreos, for real.

i am listening to the most ridiculous music.

and i like it! the playlist at beansTalk has consisted of such artists as chumbawumba and macy gray. oh yes. welcome back, 1998.

this morning was one of those that i woke up all of ten minutes before i had to catch the bus. let me try and explain the wonderful dynamic that is the appalcart purple route bus on a monday morning.

it comes at 8:34 every monday morning, four minutes before it is supposed to come. so, people start waiting at 8:30. like, twenty to thirty people, at this one stop. there are always more people than there are seats, so appalcart mondays become very, very competitive. no one wants to be the stander on the appalcart. we pity the standers.

but my favorite part about it is that no one talks! so it's this silent race to the door of the bus, and to the open seat, so you won't have to stand and be whipped around and lose your balance while everyone else is watching and thinking "man, i'm glad i got a seat this morning".

i knew that this morning, i would be a stander. a stander that had taken no longer than 8 minutes to get ready. oh dear, i am definitely not looking my hottest this morning. deoderant and lipstick- my saving graces.



top five things occupying my mind this week:

1. really entertaining the thought of moving to the United Kingdom. and knowing that it is just as realistic as it is hilarious! what the heck? i've spent a few hours on Re/Max Homes of the UK. I've researched job opportunites. [salt n' pepa has just graced the beansTalk playlist, by the way.] and as silly and possibly fleeting this crazy desire may very well be, i like telling myself that if i'm not in a committed relationship by the time i graduate, this is something i could really do. and love. and i would absolutely institute afternoon tea every day.

2. upcoming events involving turkey, friends, laughter, christmas lights, snow, hot cocoa, and a little silver dress just itching to be worn. i love thanksgiving. and Christmas. and the fact that I celebrate them each twice: once with my friend family, and again with my family family. and New Years? little silver dress approved.

3. school. i'm making it happen. i'm getting it done. and i like the ride so far. i'm bracing myself for the next few weeks, though. papers, presentations, portfolios, exams. i had my audition for the music school here, fuare and stormy weather. this was a moment of personal triumph, you know, the moviescript moment where i walked out the door and down the hallway with my head up high, and as soon as the elevator doors shut i jumped up and down and did a celbratory jig and praised the Lord. i walked away feeling like i accomplished something, and accomplished it well. music minor, i am on my way.

4. peter and wendy. two chapters left. j.m. barrie, if you only lived now and were incredibly single!

5. what to get involved in next semester. jobs, ministries, organizations, classes, newspaper. who knows? i am so blessed, to have so many opportunities. [backstreet boys now]

my love is all i have to give,
samantha

welcome home, november.

let me lay this scene.

i am sitting on the leather couch of my living room at home, and i have not had this feeling in a long while. i'll get back to the feeling later.

the gas fire is going for the first time this season, and rightly so. the air of winter has come and she sits still at the doors and windows of this home. i am well fed. i have just finished watching one of my favorite movies of all time, with some of my favorite company, and my cheeks are still a little damp from crying. i am all snuggled and warm in a hoodie, jeans, and bedroom slippers... that are boots. and i am going to try and hold on to this feeling as long as i can.

do you ever get to that point where you just need to cry? you need to hear a story so inspiring that, for just a moment, you can forget who you are, forget all of your past- good and not so good, forget the gas bills that you need to pay, and the challenges of the weeks and months ahead. some tale so deeply touching that your story, the story of you, seems to dim away and you are taken somewhere beyond here for just a moment in time, and you can cry - not because you are sad, because you feel your life is comparatively insignificant to this great story, not because you are so happy that everything is right in the end and you hope it could happen to you someday... if only...

you can cry at something so purely beautiful, and it has nothing to do with you. it is just, beautiful.

and you come away from it, and you see the things around you in the same light. the fire seems warmer. the air outside beckons more dangerously, and you feel that much more safe inside the walls of your home. the tea seems sweeter, the cats seem to be in a deeper slumber on the couches beside you, the clock ticks in the background and the rest of the silence is peaceful, not daunting. everything is musical. and you feel more beautiful.


this movie we watched in my literature class this week said it better than i can, perhaps it's better with context but i'll say it regardless-
make a masterpiece of your life.


so i blow a kiss to the past, i am content in the present, and i am smiling at the future. this is good!
and every good and beautiful thing, is just Him. (james 1:17)

now that's a beautiful story.

fresh

weeks have passed by in such a blur that i can hardly believe october is already half-way through. i love it. i love everything that has to do with october, really. leaves, pumpkins, hayrides, festivals, cider, corn mazes, costumes, sweaters that haven't seen the front of my closet since last march.

right now i'm just sitting at my desk at the office receptionist job i have on campus, sipping some sierra mist and decorating my planner. i am so thankful for this shift, because i work for about an hour on things that need to be done around the office, and then i just get to sit, eat, work on homework, and occasionally answer the phone. it is a wonderful time to get organized, to sit and breathe, to prepare, to get work done, and to be a nerd and revel in all of the beautiful office supplies!

so lately, i suppose i've just been in the mode of getting things done. i count time in weekends. during the week it's a sun-up to sun-down schedule of papers, meetings, classes, work, mandatory f.r.i.e.n.d.s watching, and i love it. i feel successful. and that, that is such a precious feeling!

so i work hard through the week, but the weekends are what mark my time and progress. last weekend i visited nashville and the weekend before my dad came to visit. this weekend [well, in about an hour) i'm going home (i will SO welcome the rest and relief!] and next weekend the leaves should be at their peak. the semester is well underway.

nashville was everything i wanted and needed it to be. it was so, so good to see my friends and to have solid fellowship with them, you know, just the good stuff...the stuff that matters.
the leader of campus christian fellowship here at appalachian put it better than i could:
"I remember a prayer gathering in a rural Hungarian village, Christians praying in different languages, but united in a common bond. I remember visiting in the Tennessee home of a former seminary classmate and his wife, having a delicious meal of homemade soup and bread and then talking for several hours in front of a fire about the Lord. I remember semi-annual meetings at Denny’s with two colleagues to share about our mutual ministries and to encourage one another. And I remember just recently sitting with friends and listening to how the Lord is changing the direction of their lives into a new area of ministry."

...the good stuff. we have a lot of this to look forward to.

i got a BLT from fido, had tea and cookies with one of my favorite professors, had time to write a little, was introduced to hot diggity dogs, had ben and jerry's [twice!], and got to say goodbye to nashville the way i wish i could have last december.

however, i am welcoming this weekend with arms open wiiide, so much so that i'm saying "stick it to the man!" and skipping two classes tomorrow. i will open the front door tonight [i promise, this will happen!] and i will say "i'm hoooome!" while running up the stairs and i will jump into my bed and wiggle around in it with a stupid smile on my face.
ooooh my bed, my home, with all those homey smells and everything good like that. and then there is the north carolina state fair, where everything redneck and ghetto comes together so wonderfully! i canNOT wait.



'take me away in a big red balloon,
sear me with a passion that burns with such life,
while we free-float above the earth
away from here
a tiny speck along the cotton backdrop.
yes, we'll float away,
far away way into the clouds.
we'll fall lightheaded, oh,
to sleep and wake up
a thousand miles from where we started.'

rain. hard.

this week-

uuuggggghhhhh.... blaaaaaah


need to take a vacation.
egypt? pyramids!
cinque terre.
israel.
india.
at least down the highway a little.

tired of classes, but trucking along.
very little in the bank,
but getting along fine.

need to be broken.
and need to trust.

need a huge-normous,
understanding, expecting nothing in return,
envelop my all
every part of me comes alive
BIG
pick-me-up-and-spin-me-around
sit-me-down
let-me-heave-ugly-snot-cry
hug.

God? ↑?

no one else does it like you.

excerpt: a new way to look at "fight or flight"

"something has come alive inside of me.
a passion so unbridled,

that thinking rationally is quickly seeming irrational
for the purpose of redeeming love.

how great a story would that be?

i would just as soon drive hundreds of miles
to release the tension face to face
with a few short words
a hurricane bursting forth from me, all around me

i would just as soon do this
as i would take a bite to eat
for supper
to satisfy a hungry belly.

the hunger grows the more i imagine
how good that first bite would be,
if it's all i hoped it to be.

[i am sitting on the fence between
fighting for the most extraordinary love
and hanging on to an idea,
a hope worth letting go.
my feet dangle off the side.
if i had no guards, how would i really say it?
if i had no fear, and regret was no threat to me?]"

monday monday monday

i'm in the middle of wittgenstein's "tractatus" and, of course, i would rather be doing anything else right now. when it comes to cracking down and doing the homework, my first urge is to go write about things. anything.

will is here for a few days, while nancy is sick with what they are pretty sure is mono. poor minki! it's nice to have a male around here though. rob and elizabeth's parents were here for the weekend, which was so enjoyable for me. i got to stay at a beautiful log cabin a little south of boone, it was really make with logs! and it was so peaceful. i felt like a country queen sleeping on a queen-sized bed on the open loft. i would be so happy if i could live in the country.

tonight was nap night, followed by leftovers night [chili, chicken quesadillas, corn, carrots and ranch.... mmmm....], followed by 24 season three marathon night. good night!

and now, i'm feeling pretty bummy. today was just a bummy day, i'm gonna say it. my hair was ew, my outfit wasn't right, the weather was unwelcomed, and i was itching to get out of my classes the moment i sat down and put my binder on the desk. just a monday, i suppose. i'd rather be doing something extraordinary.

i haven't really been in the Word the past few days and i can feel it today. it's wearing on me, but i continue to thank my Father for His obvious provisions, and all the little and not-so-little extra things He does to bless the heart of a girl despite her lack of effort. He is Jehovah Jireh. i know this; the fact has my life in it. i just want to feel it more, you know? there is so much to be said of discipline.

-------------

i'm getting more excited about visiting nashville for fall break, though some people i'd really like to see are not there anymore. but... i am so glad i will be able to see those friends that are still there, to have good conversation, to eat good food [ie pancake pantry], to not worry about my minimal paychecks, and to drink a hot tea (or a few) from fido, out of their huge house cups. you know, no one really goes there to get away, but to be apart of nashville. to enjoy themselves in the scenery. to enjoy others in the scenery.

selected favorites from copeland's "beneath medicine tree" have absolutely sparked something in me, and i have been listening to them pretty much non-stop. i'm not usually an advocate of the "beating it into the ground" theory of listening to music, but it's just that time of year that these songs - as well as emiliana torrini's "fisherman's woman" and jump, little children- seem like the only songs, the only music perfectly appropriate to listen to every day so long as the leaves are in a flame of orange, yellow, and red. so many memories, i forget i'm making new ones.

i'd like a good, hand-written letter. and a good tuesday.

hopeful (celebratory dress) day

the weather today- beautiful. thank you Lord.

i woke up this morning, the sun was not yet out from behind the mountains, so all was carefully queit. i made some tea and finished a paper, which i just turned in and now i feel like i have wings. so glad i wore the seafoam green dress today! and i am looking forward to the rest of the paperless afternoon.

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i can picture us being together in a shanty apartment filled with satisfaction, love, god, and
tomoato soup i can see us laying on the hand-me-down couch
an old grape jelly stain
you, with a guitar on your lap and me with a smile, us
singing lightly, hill tunes to a red brick wall
the skyscrapers are our hilltops for a time and
we have so little.
i am happy here.

sunday night with coltrane

well, i'm finding myself in the library again. this time, in the reading room beside the fireplace that has yet to fulfill it's duties this season, and a latte instead of tea. gotta get things done tonight!

of course, i really should be working on homework, but i'm telling myself that i just need to spill some thoughts out before i cram more information in.

life is so funny right now. it's a miracle that i am here, and i need not forget that in the in's and out's of my day. it's just easy to, you know? when you have this due at this time, and you have to squeeze in dinner during this fifteen minute break, and you'd rather take naps than most other things. and classes are getting to that annoying part in the semester. i am thankful to be here. He is so good, and He is in it all.

i feel like i have been placed on a blank canvas, and i don't know what to paint around me. but that's okay. as unsure as it feels sometimes, i'm overwhelmingly excited. it's going to be a beautiful picture, and i get to stick around for all of it.

i'm here, i'm not sure why, but i'm trying to work hard and to find time alone to be with Him. His nearness is my absolute good.

so, i really should be off to write about coltrane for lovers and read about the history of islam and christianity. just do it, sam!

quarter till noon

i'm still trying to get used to this new avenue of writing, but i like it.

the air is so sharp today, it struck my lungs as i took a breath in on the way to the bus stop. i love it when autumn shows up.

i'm sitting in the library, third floor, with rhythmic clicks of keyboards and occasional sniffles and coughs being the only sounds i can hear, and i like that. i feel like i'm getting away when i'm here, like a little vacation with hot green tea close at hand. it's one of the only places where i find it easy to be truly quiet and still here. i do love the hustle and bustle of campus, but this is a nice getaway.

i should be developing the body of a paper, but really, i only have ten minutes left before i will get up and get a chicken wrap, so i can't really get much done then, right? right! i'm really enjoying the class the paper is for, though, so even though it's a difficult topic and more pages than i'd ideally wish to write here on a monday, it's interesting to me, and i feel like i'll be proud of it when i'm done. more hot green tea to come, i'm sure.

today is a beautiful day, and i'm thankful that i'm alive and living. inspired by good old st. francis of assisi,

open my eyes to see
all the beautiful things of today.
i don't want to miss what You see.
and may i walk at a slower pace
and see to someone elses needs
before i tend to myself.
take the weariness from my eyes,
i just want to see You,
a sweet autumn romance
springs alive in me.

noon!

all things new

testing... testing one-two...

this is going to take some getting used to!