Thoughts from endless asphault; the yellow line syndrome

I lead a fairly simple life.

I am but a girl, or a “young woman” (lest I forget that I just turned 21!) I live in a small town in the mountains of North Carolina, attending college and working. The rest of my time I spend in Raleigh, with those I know and love from Raleigh, and on the road between here and there. That road has housed my prayers and my mistakes, my music, confessions, my [loud] singing, the one side of two-sided telephone conversations.

I enjoy simple things. I am an old soul beauty, with eyes too big and brown, curves too thick for today, and a voice most attuned to ella, sarah, nancy, and billie. I like antiques, vintage keepsakes, floral prints, and pastels. I enjoy being polite and speaking softly. I am plain, really. I want to fall in love, be a mother, and forever delve into the mystery that is the promise of Jesus Christ.

There is nothing too extraordinary about me. I am one grain of sand on the shores of humanity. and i love this experience.




this simple life sure does feel epic sometimes...
in a wonderful sort of way. in a way that is familiar to many.


i love all the crazy and silly and stupid emotions that make life life.
love, envy, amazement, romance, joy, helplessness, thankfulness, passion, loneliness, numbness, the feeling of being so alive, all there, in one place.

just some ridiculous food for thought.
-sam

lost in a place i know

there are things i wish i could do:

- afford microdermabrasion treatments
- feel okay about buying those $202 pair of citizens jeans
- pack up and go for a weekend trip to visit old friends
- weigh 120 pounds and wear a two-piece without feeling like i need to hide
- fill up my gas tank until my gauge actually says "full"
- act with grace and eloquence in any social situation
- not take things personally that were not intended to be taken personally
- ride a horse
- afford a nice digital camera
- write a novel
- play music
- dance without inhibition
- fall in love with the right person at the right time


the past few weeks have been rough. from family issues to just overall feeling at a loss living in boone to ending a relationship with a very decent and kind man, i'm experiencing myself in the raw.

i know my family needs to be going through what it is going through, it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's hard to know my place in the family, being a partial daughter, a partial listening ear, and a partial out-of-the-picture-girl. i miss having a mom and dad. i need a mom and dad.

i also know i'm supposed to be in boone this summer - but i have one month left before classes start in the fall, and the only thing occupying my time between now and then is work. i feel a strange disconnectedness between myself and the group of people i know who are here this summer.

the one solid link between them and myself was austin, who i've recently ended romantic ties with, although we remain good friends, hoping the best and happiest for one another. you can't take something that isn't wrong and make it right.

perhaps i'm too guarded, too analytical, too romantically minded, too much, too little... who the heck knows? perhaps i just need to be me, and not be afraid of that.

all i know for sure is that i'm exactly where i need to be, and although the light shines only a few inches ahead of me, i know the unknown beyond that is still where He is, and i'm excited to see what He has for me there.

(i desperately need to take a shower.)

"now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country."

i am sighing into the giant empty world of blogspot that, right now, is a kind world of possibility and a friendly listening ear.

over the past week i've become a renter of movies. i got my wisdom teeth removed tuesday morning, and after two days straight of drug-enhanced super-napping and applesauce eating, i have had three (3) rentals from blockbuster. i'm usually just fine with the movies i own and know i love. i'm not much of a risk-taker when it comes to movies, and i'd rather spend the $4 on a burger and a shake, or new shampoo. i started off with The Holiday, moved on to Charlie Bartlett, just finished up Becoming Jane and am now settling down for a made-for-tv masterpeice starring ashley tisdale, which doesn't really count but i'm watching it and... maybe enjoying? :) okay, definitely enjoying! i can't help it... i'm a sucker for really cheesy teen romantic comedies.

it's been nice to be home. although i haven't been able to enjoy my usual raleigh activities such as ample cookout eating and late-night drives to krispy kreme, it's been refreshing to have a week to literally have nothing on the schedule. no work. no school. no plans. just rest, relaxation, recovery, and blockbuster movies.

i've been able to spend a good deal of time with my mom, too. the past few years have been spotted with hardships and disconnectedness within my family, and the current situation is one that will probably take a lifetime to learn how to deal with. this house, this neighborhood... the feeling of "home" becomes more and more distant with each visit, and more sentimental when it hits me. i'm growing up.

my mom is a sweet, kind-hearted, beautiful woman. she has never hoped for extraordinary things for her own life. she is sixty years old, loves getting her hair "done", and is an amazing artist. she is stuck in a failed marriage wrought with financial ruin and told me today that she doesn't have a lot to be happy about.

i tried to memorize the way she was willingly speaking about when she was "my age", her form rocking back and forth against the summer green backdrop of our front yard, her voice barely louder than the chaos of crickets that are so characteristic of raleigh in july.

i wish i could say something of importance.
_____________________________________________________________________________

on a different note, i am now the proud owner of my grandfather's typewriter. mom found it hidden in the basement, untouched by the parade of yard sales we've had over the past few years in attempt to prepare for "downsizing". it's beautiful, old, black, with "William Samuel Long" written in red ink taped to the inside. my mom test wrote on it, family names, symbols, and "now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country". my mom said that's the sentence everyone learned how to type with back in the day, so naturally, that's what she typed to test out the old typewriter.

_____________________________________________________________________________

i'm unsure of what the rest of the summer holds. i'm starting to get excited about school resuming, with a stellar line-up of classes and back-to-school lists. for nancy, this summer has been life-changing, with a new, beautiful marriage in tow. heather is radiant, back from a year in costa rica, with a man we all approve of. for jess, this summer marks a realization of the closeness and reality of her music career. i'm not sure what it has been for me just yet. but it's been good, and i'm three teeth lighter. i'll save the self-assessment for later :)

hopefully i'll finish the books i'm currently in the middle of (Total Money Maker - Ramsey; A Field Guide to Getting Lost - Solnit; One Writer's Beginning- Welty), make it to yoga a few times, catch up on some correspondence, see She & Him in concert, take a few pictures, and maybe, just maaaaybe, see the beach.


man, am i going to be happy when i can eat with gusto!

p.s. run's house is awesome.

love, sam

coffee; joy comes with the morning

currently eating: a delicious peach
currently listening to: starbucks xm radio station, as usual at the store
currently anticipating: mom & dad coming, my own bedroom with furniture, birthday celebrations, wisdom teeth removal...


this morning, i woke up at 5:30. and stayed up!

if you know me, you know what a momentous occasion this is.

i walked up the hill of the apartment complex and sat facing the city, and beyond that, the blue ridge mountains. i have so desperately needed to be still and to know that God is.

to be present in the moment of His presence.

i sat and watched as the sun rose behind the clouds, occasionally peeking through to prove that morning was really there. let yesterday be yesterday, and all of the weeks, months, and years before be the past. let brand new mercies cover you for today. this is the day that the Lord has made :)

i watered my plants, lit a candle, made my bed, fed geronimo, moved some furniture, put dishes away, took a shower, and was out the door at 7:50 a.m. what on earth?

the farmer's market was lovely this morning. more people than last week, for sure. i grabbed a cup of bald guy brew, kenyan drip, the beans straight from the farmer. chilly enough to wear a light sweater, the weather stayed a sense-illuminating overcast. summer in boone is unlike any summer i have experienced. this week i got peaches from a farm in brushy mountain, a poppyseed muffin, zucchini, and a homemade candle from this little old lady who makes and sells crafts with pressed flowers.

it's just a little moment for me every week. something i can depend on, look forward to, and enjoy thoroughly. indulge in coffee, watch elderly couples walk around holdng hands, feel like a part of the community, ya know, the whole nine.



okay, back to work for now!

ants and mutual funds

i'm watching samantha brown's passport to latin america, drinking pomegranate tea and eating toast with strawberry jam.

my apartment is infested with tiny ants. sometimes i feel one little guy crawling on my foot.

just a few thoughts on the morning...

- i am so enjoying living in boone and exploring mountain culture. my favorite thus far has been going to the farmer's market. last weekend there was a fiddle player, and i just didn't have enough time to sit and listen, while eating my homemade poppy-seed muffin that austin got for us to share.

- the ants have found my toast & jam plate.

- i, samantha crowder, have an investment account with mutual funds. i have mutual funds!! i even had a little emotional moment in john ritter's office when he told me how proud he was of me :)

-when i think of praising the Lord, i often imagine myself dancing. my friend laura is a worshipful dancer in practice, i am one in my mind. i'm taking modern I next semester just for the heck of it while i'm still in school. i might be terrible. but i can't wait. there are three songs i desperately want to dance to:
hosanna - jason morant
yes you have - leeland
eat, sleep, repeat - copeland

-i am going to be late for the bus :)