lost in a place i know

there are things i wish i could do:

- afford microdermabrasion treatments
- feel okay about buying those $202 pair of citizens jeans
- pack up and go for a weekend trip to visit old friends
- weigh 120 pounds and wear a two-piece without feeling like i need to hide
- fill up my gas tank until my gauge actually says "full"
- act with grace and eloquence in any social situation
- not take things personally that were not intended to be taken personally
- ride a horse
- afford a nice digital camera
- write a novel
- play music
- dance without inhibition
- fall in love with the right person at the right time


the past few weeks have been rough. from family issues to just overall feeling at a loss living in boone to ending a relationship with a very decent and kind man, i'm experiencing myself in the raw.

i know my family needs to be going through what it is going through, it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's hard to know my place in the family, being a partial daughter, a partial listening ear, and a partial out-of-the-picture-girl. i miss having a mom and dad. i need a mom and dad.

i also know i'm supposed to be in boone this summer - but i have one month left before classes start in the fall, and the only thing occupying my time between now and then is work. i feel a strange disconnectedness between myself and the group of people i know who are here this summer.

the one solid link between them and myself was austin, who i've recently ended romantic ties with, although we remain good friends, hoping the best and happiest for one another. you can't take something that isn't wrong and make it right.

perhaps i'm too guarded, too analytical, too romantically minded, too much, too little... who the heck knows? perhaps i just need to be me, and not be afraid of that.

all i know for sure is that i'm exactly where i need to be, and although the light shines only a few inches ahead of me, i know the unknown beyond that is still where He is, and i'm excited to see what He has for me there.

(i desperately need to take a shower.)