real

i'm feeling a weird sort of motivated that i'm hoping will still be around once i hit monday,
and throughout the next 3 weeks,
until this semester is done and finished strong.

just gotta plan. and plan well. so i don't have a stress-induced heart attack, 12 am breakdown, or spending/eating binge.


i just want to entertain the question:
what does it mean to be healthy?
really?


to me, i believe it is a balance between mind health, spirit health, and physical health. a balance between being responsible AND having fun. sticking to the plan AND being spontaneous. balance between going out with friends and staying in to clean, do laundry, do homework, watch gilmore girls.

i weigh a consistent 130 pounds. i take a dance class twice a week and am an active young person.

so why, when i look in the mirror, do i tend to think "i have to hide this" or "i don't like the way this looks"
"should be taller"
"should be thinner"
"guys won't like the way i'm chunky"

and the ridiculous list goes on and on.

the reason i'm thinking about this now is because i've spent my black friday NOT shopping and, instead, watching mtv's true life: yo-yo dieting.... or something like that.

i saw these pictures of myself from two years ago this time. it was a very hard, dark time in my life that i just didn't like myself very much. i wasn't very happy. i was the skinniest i can remember myself being in my young adult life, with the best complexion i think i've ever had. pretty hair. good brows. bird-like frame. lethargic, one-meal-a-day, insanely unhappy.

today i'm on acne medicine because i get breakouts. i have cellulite all up ons my butt and thighs. but i am overall so much healthier than i've been in a long time. i sing, i'm active, i have wonderful friends i spend time with, i laugh a TON, i'm doing well in and enjoying classes, i am making money, i get outside, i praise, i am provided for!

as a young woman, i am asking,
why, when i am so healthy and happy, does my society want to make me feel like i'm still not enough?

the simple list: december

inspired by my new real simple december issue, i'm going to make my own version of the simple list: december.

12:
operation christmas child. it's just good for so many reasons. it gives you a chance to pray and listen to the voice of the Lord guide you in choosing the perfect gifts for a child you've never met before. and you probably won't spend more than 10 dollars.

"it is in giving that we receive" - st. francis of assisi

11:
the spirit of Christmas is up to me. i can't depend on movies or pre-thanksgiving christmas decorations or snow or baked goodies to bring Christmas to me. if i wait for that, i'll never really feel christmas. this year i'm being intentional about what this time is to me, and why i love it so darn much!

10:
i'd like to make popcorn garland. straight up needle, thread, and popcorn!

9:
the only people i'm buying real gifts for are my neice and nephew, and my operation christmas child. everyone else is getting a lovely made-from-scratch edible gift and a hand-written letter and prayer. as lamesauce as i feel about it, i'm also really excited about it! when i take the time to bake i really love it, and i feel like it will a nice, different way to thank the people i love.

8:
i'd like to host OR attend a real 20-something holiday party. i have a fabulous little cocktail dress and have access to amazing jewelry by "what's-in-store" and diana warner. i also want to have a reason to make champagne cocktails!

7:
soldiersangels.org

6:
my wish list goes as follows:
some nice new undiewear
a new bra
new long socks
a moleskin reporter journal and 2009 planner
itunes gift cards
those are the necessities, anyway. you know, i can always use a new fancy coat, an ipod alarm clock, someone to pay for my trip to spain, a digital camera, or true love. but it's really whatevs :)

5:
i'd love to play a little coffeehouse show and sing some snowy songs on guitar and peenaner.

4:
now for $8.88 at wal*mart you can get a set of DOVE body wash , dove beauty bar, dove lotion and loofah.... all full sized. the body wash sold separately is $6.49. this is the best deal ever!!! and you know my affinity for dove products!

3:
we've had 3 november snows in boone thus far. i am praying praying praying that december is equally as snowy!! nothing makes me happier faster.

2:
i love mornings but i often don't wake up to see them, unless i have to for class or work, and then they lose all fun and grandeur. one day i will start waking up just for morning's sake, you know- toast, tea, paper- the whole nine. i just like sleeping a whole lot. people make fun of me because i do it so much, but i heard once that having a full night's sleep most nights can add on years to your life. so hopefully by the time i'm 85 and still going strong i'll be enjoying mornings in their entirety.

1:
rosie thomas: a very rosie christmas!!!

love, sam

thoughts at 21

so i am still awake at 3am and i think it might be worth it to divulge myself into a few fleeting thoughts.

sometimes i just want to take people outside of their lives so they can take a look at themselves from the outside. lately i've been sad for people because they seem so distant from really letting themselves feel real things. so many people build thick and stubborn walls to huddle inside of, choosing just what experiences they will accept for themselves. i am a firm believer that when we take ourselves outside of our comfort zones, then and only then do we experience all the richness life has to offer. i understand not everyone agrees with that, and not everyone will choose that type of life.

and it IS a choice. it is a challenge. it is an intentional change of mindset and an even more intentional change of behavior.

to live in comfort with self-made spontaneity, skimming the surface of ourselves and God and others and potential

or

to live outside of comfort with real fear, real love, real anger, real ugliness, real beauty,
seeing ourselves in the raw in light of the big picture of humanity (it's tragic and epic and heroic!)
seeing God in the smallest details and in the vagabonds and in the least of these??


i do not say this to imply that i have it all together. i don't . and i do not intend to imply that my insights on other's lives are fully correct, because i know God speaks and works in the individual, and relates to them in special ways because He is a God of individual relationships and i could never see people like Him.

just food for thought if it makes any sense at all.


also, boys should know that it is not a very effective tactic to express interest in a girl and not a few days later to carelessly flirt with other girls.

if a guy expresses interest, and i in turn think he's charming and can hold a nice conversation, i do my research. i check out the close friends. i observe from a distance. he has my attention for a time until i can assess what kind of person he is and how i feel about him. he sought out to have my attention and he has it. not in obvious ways. but in honest, classy, modest ways he has my attention.

i've found that the fault of many men is that they don't know what to do from there.

and it reeks of obviousness when i am one of a handful of ladies they are attempting to "hook and reel". it's in that second stage, when i am observing, that careless flirtation with other girls can ruin any chance of my further attention. don't get me wrong, i don't consider it a major character flaw when this happens, and i don't think these men are bad people per se, or that i require their sole attention and devotion even in the baby-steps of maybe relationships (i don't expect that even a little!) but these guys go from potentially "dateable" to absolute no-go's in seconds just because they didn't know how to keep their flirtin' discreet or classy.

the hooking is fairly easy but the reeling ...
needs work.

ah ha, hush that fuss!

"i believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls." - audrey hepburn



daily, i am challenged to surrender myself before the Lord. in the most simple ways, i am challenged. from just finding the time the enjoy the Lord in His scriptures to taking the time to pray over every aspect of my life as well as praying over others.

i am SO thankful that He does not hear us or answer us based on our "spiritual merit". every day is an expression of His grace and loving-kindness.


this weekend has been so refreshing for me! after a week of craziness, it was so nice to go out to eat, enjoy movies, take naps, and spend time having wonderful conversations with dear friends.

the show at Legends with Mike went so, so well! we sold out in the first 20 minutes of at-the-door ticket sales, and had an absolute blast with the horn section, gospel choir, rappers, and break dancers (yes, breakers!!). i feel honored to be a part of something so fun and to work with people that are so, so talented!



it was a little intense juggling classes, tests, homework, practices, and work this week in preparation for this show AND company this weekend. but i am so glad that i did it (although i did not get out completely unscathed - i'm sure a test grade suffered and i haven't been able to keep up with some people as well as i would like) but all is well, for sure.

since friday, i've spent time with my dear, dear friend jessica ray, and on top of that i was free from my responsibilities at work, hollah!!!

and it snowed!!

we drove around downtown boone with all of it's christmas lights draping over king street and the snow falling down, then we came home and i got in my special snowflake pj's, we drink hot cocoa with marshmallows, and watched the Holiday until we were too sleepy to stay awake.


i really love poetry.

this week:
wake up earlier and enjoy the morning
drink more coffee cause imma need it
anthropology research
meetings with concentration advisor
blah blah blah blah

nolan, i want a moleskin now.

love, sam

lists & literary devices

upon finding myself in a heap of homework at 12:55 am, i think it best to make some lists:

-i like beards
i am more passionate about beards than the average girl. i don't know why. i don't know much about men's fashion (other than that if a boy dresses in anything remotely resembling any of this, i'll want to holler) but i like to pretend i know something about men's grooming. grow beards. wear messy pony tails. and three words: polo double black.

- i cut my finger
trendy glass door knobs = gnarly finger gashes and blood on unsold merchandise. painful. gross. and now i'm guilty for tainting aforementioned unsold merchandise. at least my band-aid is covered in happy faces.

- i need to detox
i'm not even going to go into what i have consumed in the last week. between halloween candy and PMS i've downed more junk food than my body would like to handle. allie, dearest, can you give me even a fraction of your motivation??

- stablo fineliner pens make me want to be more organized.
note how i said "want to be". this semester in one word: disheveled. but i did color a nice little blue and red flag on the november 4 box of my planner.

-i'm considering setting up a Netflix account.
growing movie junkie here. from teen romantic comedy (which you know i love) to obscure indie impress-the-pants-offa-you "films", nothing seems more relaxing to me right now than coming home and snuggling up on the couch with dinner and a movie. so far this week i've watched "Friends With Money" and i've rented "The Emporer's Club". At this rate Netflix will be way cheaper and more awesome.

-i have started sposoring a child from the Dominican
her name is Jailys. she's way cute and had this sassy little pink belt and model pose and i knew it was a friendship just waiting to blossom. i've been praying a lot about tithe in this season of my life, a season in which i don't regularly attend a home church. when robbie seay band played in raleigh and proposed this opportunity, i thought this would be a nice way to give my money for this season. i am looking forward to when i can also give money to a home church to tithe. but for now, i'm kickin' it holistic style and attempting to live out a verse that has always stuck out to me - James 1:27

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."


i just keep thinking, wouldn't it be awesome to support Jailys for a few years and then go visit her? she is not a cause, an organization, or a faceless recipient of x-amount of money... she's a little girl. and someday i'd love to hug her neck.

.... now to minister to the widows... I'll keep you updated. lately i've had this huge desire to just go spend quality time with grandmas and grandpas. i don't have any left here with me and i could sure use some elderly advice.



i am thankful for the opportunity to vote. i am thankful for a family that loves me, however dysfunctional we all may be. i am thankful for my right to learn and voice my opinion and the encouragement to even have an opinion and to graduate from college. i am thankful for new friends who are rich in love, and people who love me as is. i am thankful for music, song, and singing... what joy they bring! for real! i am thankful for Proverbs. i am thankful for a lot... and putting it into words always puts things into perspective.


.... just practicing for thanksgiving (which could not get here any slower)

love, sam