woah! manic motivation!

i just can't control it sometimes. i get these huge waves of epic motivation, and for a fleeting moment my insides catch on fire.

i'm in boone this weekend to work, which has been a welcome getaway. the weather today was absolutely amazing. my outfit felt amazing. i did not sleep well last night (i have trouble sleeping when i know i'm alone) but i got up early, which is amazing.


the store was absolutely nuts today. herds of people. but i love working saturdays because i know for 2 hours of that 5-hour shift, i'll be working with someone. that always makes things more fun. after work i stopped by walgreens to purchase some travel-friendly shampoo and conditioner, and then came home to my apartment thinking i would crash because of the aforementioned lack of sleep and waking up early.

side note
i like being here when no one else is here. i live in college-kid apartments off campus, and when i was driving up the hill today i felt like i was an adult, going to my real non-college-kid apartment after a long day of work.
scary how that's really getting so close. 2 semesters. one summer.

anyway, i got home and instead of crashing, i grabbed my neglected beauty of a guitar, put it on, played while i waited for my healthy choice pizza to bake. cute outfit + guitar + mirror in kitchen + knowledge that my apartment complex is a barren wasteland = me singing and playing REALLY loudly and pretending i am a b-list famous girl musician.

WHAT DO I WANT?! uuuughhhh!!!

anyway, i got really motivated to record more stuff on my humble garageband with my humble garageband skillz. by next christmas, i want an ep, maybe not recorded on garageband with crappy garageband skillz? an ep with my name on it. with my songs on it. just a little attainable accomplishment to be proud of.

i said it. now i'm mortified that it has been etched in stone and now i'll let myself down if it doesn't happen. or that i HAVE to put all my eggs in one basket.

tomorrow, 8pm, HALF MAN, HALF TREE on TLC. don't miss this. TLC also should pay whoever makes up these documentary titles a million more bucks. an hour.

i get really excited when i think, sam, you can do this. drink just water. do crunches. walk err'day. but i don't wanna tell you because i could very well change my mind tomorrow.
i mean, i just ate like, half a medium sized bag of one-week past expired cheetos, that aren't even mine to begin with.


what do you want? like, just something completely unneccesary for life happiness, but you want it?
i want a digital camera. it's been two years, people. i need to put into pictures how i see things around here.


dear corporate america, i'd like to be a really kickass housewifemom. sorry for all your extra hard work to make sure i could be a CEO and stuff.
also must:
go horseback riding.
go to iceland.
make a book of poetry. c'mon sam, let's get published!
not be poor forever.

this is when is start thinking: oh, right. also contributions to world peace and the Lord's kingdom. selfish.

woooaaaah motivation overdose. more cheetos.

we all act like adults

when we really are like little kids.

love this.

new york new york new york state of mind.

okay! i'm ready!

to make banana choco chip bread.

to buy some meaningful and budget-friendly gifts for a few friends and fam.

to go to the mall. but i have to go by myself, or i'll get stressed out.

to get coffee.

to not stress.

to take a shower.



now, you may be thinking "sam, it's a leeeettle late to be doing presents, don't you think?"
no. i had to de-scrooge before doing presents. and here's what i think.
i wish we celebrated Christmas for two weeks. like it used to be. because i LOVE Christmas, but i don't like it when it's spread super thin over 3 months.
it's like eating a handful of m&m's every day for 3 months instead of eating, say, a Great Wall of Chocolate Cake from P.F.Changs one long-awaited evening with friends. really dense and rich and all in one place so you can really reeeeaaaally enjoy it.



that's what i think Christmas should be.

p.s. i got a holly aiken wallet!! halleluh!

i've been kind of a scrooge.

the first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem!

but there's still time to de-scrooge.
like last night, we went to the day's house and watched a christmas story and decorated their tree. we all wore these little matching aprons and ate monkey bread!

i'm really excited about a lot of stuff.

nyc with people i laugh a lot with
new friends
new semester with some exciting classes
solidifying plans for this summer (which i hope includes spain, Lord providing)

Isaiah 61:
10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

He will provide.


it smells like christmas tree. i'm pretty sure it's a plug-in air freshener, because our tree is fake.

study break

currently drinking: seasonal drink from wired scholar (macaroon, compliments of barista tom valentine)

currently enjoying: the open door of the wired scholar, which is letting in mild 50-degree air

currently wearing: my gray and navy striped boy's cardigan, very worn in light-wash jeans, moccasins

currently wishing i could be:
nondescript
in my apartment
in a small studio making music
on my couch reading books
taking pictures
hiding away
in my bathtub

spinning

today is a chilly, overcast day in boone. for some reason, this is the only kind of weather i would accept for a day like today. Jesus is good to me, giving me weather like this to solace so many things, spoken and unspoken, in my heart.

sometimes, when i kind of self-depricatingly deny life-maintenance because i'm "too busy" or "too stressed" or "too hungry and i need to make kraft mac and cheese right now", i get to these points where i just need something to knock me spinning in the other direction. you know? like some point of force that hits me hard and it hurts but i need it.

at the store, we figured out how to hook up the stereo to music devices other than XM radio. so, i finagled some things around and hooked up my ipod today! i'm thrilled! i see this little store in a different light...
because of the change of (and control over) music, and mostly because this store seems like a little refuge for me. it's something steady and familiar to grasp on to while the rest of me is spinning back into direction.

laura, i realized something this morning as i was washing my face in the bathroom at work,
you deserve a good man.
like, a really good man.
i want him to be nervous when you draw him. is that weird?
that's a weird thing to say, but you know what i mean?
also come bring me coffee cause i'm dyyyiiiinnngggg!

more later, i'm just a little too in need of a day of life-maintenance to make any sense right now.

i miss a ton of people. you probably know who you are.

i want to wear jeans and a hoodie, and hide myself in the library with my laptop, and do a ton of work and studying, and eat and drink coffee on campus with my roommate's left over meal plan money.
gosh that sounds so good right now!

also must:
unload dishwasher
tidy up a bit
start laundry for break

also, i'm really interested in nashville, round two.
if london plans fall through, you know.
or boston. or san diego.
i think i just need Christmas break.

12:30, library

just going to take the quickest moment to update:

2 more days of classes.
2 exams.
1 poetry portfolio.

33 minutes until seminar. i'm still sniffly and consuming lots of dayquil.

it is days like today that i'm very thankful for the beautiful mac computers in the library, for hot tea, for sweet friends, for jd salinger, for nick drake.

i need to write some letters . i so wish i did not have to work in the morning.

i'm pretty sure i'm breathing loudly through my mouth, a horrible affliction on the silent floor of the library.

i've been writing so much poetry lately. and making my bed a lot.

nyc - one month to go.

goals:
eat a colorful diet
walk a lot
take multivitamin
keep praying hard
keep reading
keep writing
keep dreaming

whoever said that was right, you know, about being afraid ...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

nelson mandela, ladies and gentlemen.
good words.

hey, i hope you guys are doing well. getting through exams, work, life. christmas is near!
love, sam

real

i'm feeling a weird sort of motivated that i'm hoping will still be around once i hit monday,
and throughout the next 3 weeks,
until this semester is done and finished strong.

just gotta plan. and plan well. so i don't have a stress-induced heart attack, 12 am breakdown, or spending/eating binge.


i just want to entertain the question:
what does it mean to be healthy?
really?


to me, i believe it is a balance between mind health, spirit health, and physical health. a balance between being responsible AND having fun. sticking to the plan AND being spontaneous. balance between going out with friends and staying in to clean, do laundry, do homework, watch gilmore girls.

i weigh a consistent 130 pounds. i take a dance class twice a week and am an active young person.

so why, when i look in the mirror, do i tend to think "i have to hide this" or "i don't like the way this looks"
"should be taller"
"should be thinner"
"guys won't like the way i'm chunky"

and the ridiculous list goes on and on.

the reason i'm thinking about this now is because i've spent my black friday NOT shopping and, instead, watching mtv's true life: yo-yo dieting.... or something like that.

i saw these pictures of myself from two years ago this time. it was a very hard, dark time in my life that i just didn't like myself very much. i wasn't very happy. i was the skinniest i can remember myself being in my young adult life, with the best complexion i think i've ever had. pretty hair. good brows. bird-like frame. lethargic, one-meal-a-day, insanely unhappy.

today i'm on acne medicine because i get breakouts. i have cellulite all up ons my butt and thighs. but i am overall so much healthier than i've been in a long time. i sing, i'm active, i have wonderful friends i spend time with, i laugh a TON, i'm doing well in and enjoying classes, i am making money, i get outside, i praise, i am provided for!

as a young woman, i am asking,
why, when i am so healthy and happy, does my society want to make me feel like i'm still not enough?

the simple list: december

inspired by my new real simple december issue, i'm going to make my own version of the simple list: december.

12:
operation christmas child. it's just good for so many reasons. it gives you a chance to pray and listen to the voice of the Lord guide you in choosing the perfect gifts for a child you've never met before. and you probably won't spend more than 10 dollars.

"it is in giving that we receive" - st. francis of assisi

11:
the spirit of Christmas is up to me. i can't depend on movies or pre-thanksgiving christmas decorations or snow or baked goodies to bring Christmas to me. if i wait for that, i'll never really feel christmas. this year i'm being intentional about what this time is to me, and why i love it so darn much!

10:
i'd like to make popcorn garland. straight up needle, thread, and popcorn!

9:
the only people i'm buying real gifts for are my neice and nephew, and my operation christmas child. everyone else is getting a lovely made-from-scratch edible gift and a hand-written letter and prayer. as lamesauce as i feel about it, i'm also really excited about it! when i take the time to bake i really love it, and i feel like it will a nice, different way to thank the people i love.

8:
i'd like to host OR attend a real 20-something holiday party. i have a fabulous little cocktail dress and have access to amazing jewelry by "what's-in-store" and diana warner. i also want to have a reason to make champagne cocktails!

7:
soldiersangels.org

6:
my wish list goes as follows:
some nice new undiewear
a new bra
new long socks
a moleskin reporter journal and 2009 planner
itunes gift cards
those are the necessities, anyway. you know, i can always use a new fancy coat, an ipod alarm clock, someone to pay for my trip to spain, a digital camera, or true love. but it's really whatevs :)

5:
i'd love to play a little coffeehouse show and sing some snowy songs on guitar and peenaner.

4:
now for $8.88 at wal*mart you can get a set of DOVE body wash , dove beauty bar, dove lotion and loofah.... all full sized. the body wash sold separately is $6.49. this is the best deal ever!!! and you know my affinity for dove products!

3:
we've had 3 november snows in boone thus far. i am praying praying praying that december is equally as snowy!! nothing makes me happier faster.

2:
i love mornings but i often don't wake up to see them, unless i have to for class or work, and then they lose all fun and grandeur. one day i will start waking up just for morning's sake, you know- toast, tea, paper- the whole nine. i just like sleeping a whole lot. people make fun of me because i do it so much, but i heard once that having a full night's sleep most nights can add on years to your life. so hopefully by the time i'm 85 and still going strong i'll be enjoying mornings in their entirety.

1:
rosie thomas: a very rosie christmas!!!

love, sam

thoughts at 21

so i am still awake at 3am and i think it might be worth it to divulge myself into a few fleeting thoughts.

sometimes i just want to take people outside of their lives so they can take a look at themselves from the outside. lately i've been sad for people because they seem so distant from really letting themselves feel real things. so many people build thick and stubborn walls to huddle inside of, choosing just what experiences they will accept for themselves. i am a firm believer that when we take ourselves outside of our comfort zones, then and only then do we experience all the richness life has to offer. i understand not everyone agrees with that, and not everyone will choose that type of life.

and it IS a choice. it is a challenge. it is an intentional change of mindset and an even more intentional change of behavior.

to live in comfort with self-made spontaneity, skimming the surface of ourselves and God and others and potential

or

to live outside of comfort with real fear, real love, real anger, real ugliness, real beauty,
seeing ourselves in the raw in light of the big picture of humanity (it's tragic and epic and heroic!)
seeing God in the smallest details and in the vagabonds and in the least of these??


i do not say this to imply that i have it all together. i don't . and i do not intend to imply that my insights on other's lives are fully correct, because i know God speaks and works in the individual, and relates to them in special ways because He is a God of individual relationships and i could never see people like Him.

just food for thought if it makes any sense at all.


also, boys should know that it is not a very effective tactic to express interest in a girl and not a few days later to carelessly flirt with other girls.

if a guy expresses interest, and i in turn think he's charming and can hold a nice conversation, i do my research. i check out the close friends. i observe from a distance. he has my attention for a time until i can assess what kind of person he is and how i feel about him. he sought out to have my attention and he has it. not in obvious ways. but in honest, classy, modest ways he has my attention.

i've found that the fault of many men is that they don't know what to do from there.

and it reeks of obviousness when i am one of a handful of ladies they are attempting to "hook and reel". it's in that second stage, when i am observing, that careless flirtation with other girls can ruin any chance of my further attention. don't get me wrong, i don't consider it a major character flaw when this happens, and i don't think these men are bad people per se, or that i require their sole attention and devotion even in the baby-steps of maybe relationships (i don't expect that even a little!) but these guys go from potentially "dateable" to absolute no-go's in seconds just because they didn't know how to keep their flirtin' discreet or classy.

the hooking is fairly easy but the reeling ...
needs work.

ah ha, hush that fuss!

"i believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls." - audrey hepburn



daily, i am challenged to surrender myself before the Lord. in the most simple ways, i am challenged. from just finding the time the enjoy the Lord in His scriptures to taking the time to pray over every aspect of my life as well as praying over others.

i am SO thankful that He does not hear us or answer us based on our "spiritual merit". every day is an expression of His grace and loving-kindness.


this weekend has been so refreshing for me! after a week of craziness, it was so nice to go out to eat, enjoy movies, take naps, and spend time having wonderful conversations with dear friends.

the show at Legends with Mike went so, so well! we sold out in the first 20 minutes of at-the-door ticket sales, and had an absolute blast with the horn section, gospel choir, rappers, and break dancers (yes, breakers!!). i feel honored to be a part of something so fun and to work with people that are so, so talented!



it was a little intense juggling classes, tests, homework, practices, and work this week in preparation for this show AND company this weekend. but i am so glad that i did it (although i did not get out completely unscathed - i'm sure a test grade suffered and i haven't been able to keep up with some people as well as i would like) but all is well, for sure.

since friday, i've spent time with my dear, dear friend jessica ray, and on top of that i was free from my responsibilities at work, hollah!!!

and it snowed!!

we drove around downtown boone with all of it's christmas lights draping over king street and the snow falling down, then we came home and i got in my special snowflake pj's, we drink hot cocoa with marshmallows, and watched the Holiday until we were too sleepy to stay awake.


i really love poetry.

this week:
wake up earlier and enjoy the morning
drink more coffee cause imma need it
anthropology research
meetings with concentration advisor
blah blah blah blah

nolan, i want a moleskin now.

love, sam

lists & literary devices

upon finding myself in a heap of homework at 12:55 am, i think it best to make some lists:

-i like beards
i am more passionate about beards than the average girl. i don't know why. i don't know much about men's fashion (other than that if a boy dresses in anything remotely resembling any of this, i'll want to holler) but i like to pretend i know something about men's grooming. grow beards. wear messy pony tails. and three words: polo double black.

- i cut my finger
trendy glass door knobs = gnarly finger gashes and blood on unsold merchandise. painful. gross. and now i'm guilty for tainting aforementioned unsold merchandise. at least my band-aid is covered in happy faces.

- i need to detox
i'm not even going to go into what i have consumed in the last week. between halloween candy and PMS i've downed more junk food than my body would like to handle. allie, dearest, can you give me even a fraction of your motivation??

- stablo fineliner pens make me want to be more organized.
note how i said "want to be". this semester in one word: disheveled. but i did color a nice little blue and red flag on the november 4 box of my planner.

-i'm considering setting up a Netflix account.
growing movie junkie here. from teen romantic comedy (which you know i love) to obscure indie impress-the-pants-offa-you "films", nothing seems more relaxing to me right now than coming home and snuggling up on the couch with dinner and a movie. so far this week i've watched "Friends With Money" and i've rented "The Emporer's Club". At this rate Netflix will be way cheaper and more awesome.

-i have started sposoring a child from the Dominican
her name is Jailys. she's way cute and had this sassy little pink belt and model pose and i knew it was a friendship just waiting to blossom. i've been praying a lot about tithe in this season of my life, a season in which i don't regularly attend a home church. when robbie seay band played in raleigh and proposed this opportunity, i thought this would be a nice way to give my money for this season. i am looking forward to when i can also give money to a home church to tithe. but for now, i'm kickin' it holistic style and attempting to live out a verse that has always stuck out to me - James 1:27

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."


i just keep thinking, wouldn't it be awesome to support Jailys for a few years and then go visit her? she is not a cause, an organization, or a faceless recipient of x-amount of money... she's a little girl. and someday i'd love to hug her neck.

.... now to minister to the widows... I'll keep you updated. lately i've had this huge desire to just go spend quality time with grandmas and grandpas. i don't have any left here with me and i could sure use some elderly advice.



i am thankful for the opportunity to vote. i am thankful for a family that loves me, however dysfunctional we all may be. i am thankful for my right to learn and voice my opinion and the encouragement to even have an opinion and to graduate from college. i am thankful for new friends who are rich in love, and people who love me as is. i am thankful for music, song, and singing... what joy they bring! for real! i am thankful for Proverbs. i am thankful for a lot... and putting it into words always puts things into perspective.


.... just practicing for thanksgiving (which could not get here any slower)

love, sam

midnight snack

my weakness is salt and vinegar chips. i also ate a lot of marshmallows and that's probably gonna suck in the morning, but tonight it is perfection.

gilmore girls is so good to my heart. boys don't get it, and they don't even have to. it's total brilliant girl language. it's been a while since i've sat down and watched gg, and the disc i chose to watch tonight (season 3 disc 2) began with a halloween-decorated stars hollow. i am a happy happy lady.

the next few nights of mine are filled up with various halloween-type activities in addition to my other evening activities. pumpkin stuff, music stuff, dancing costumey stuff, football stuff... do i have time to buy a pumpkin? do i have time to go to ram's rack and make a costume? these things i do not know. but either way i'm excited and also awaiting saturday night when i can do the following:

- buy lots and lots of chinese food (sesame chicken, rice, veggie lo-mein, eggloll)
- rent super mario brothers, high school musical 2, and casablanca
- commence couch cancering, hopefully with company of some sort though that is not necessary to commence happy couch cancering

it snowed

yesterday i said this little barely even articulated prayer... basically along the lines of "Lord, you know you can make it snow. I'd love that."

and it did. it snowed here all last night and all day today and this morning i listened to jazz and wished i had adequate winter wear for this weather, cause i don't, and that's stupid. some girls look totally cute all snowed on and bundled up.... the Lord did not grace me with that blessing and i basically turned into a watery-eyed rudolph nosed NOT cute disheveled frozen person.

i need to catch up on homework. write poem, make copies, write craft techs, think of proposal....

XANGA!

so, katie and i watched high school musical tonight after ear candy practice.

we ate chips and salsa and cookies and milk and i painted my nails "big apple" red (OPI)

and we started talking about mat kearney and how i met him with fairy wings on, and she asked to see pictures. where did i have these pictures stored? i thought to myself. XANGA. XANGA!!!

i have been a "blogger" from a long, long time. check out these gems that katie and i rediscovered tonight:

dating all the way back to September, 2003

my second xanga site, the end of high school - beginning of college phase
(notice how ALL of us had xanga sites and commented on each others sites all the time!)


and, drumroll please....
my very first blog, pure high school

hahaha, perrrrfect!!

lilyofletdowns? mysteryinmind? geeze, i like that girl.

wonky wednesday

oooh today. today today.

i was late to dance (again) and was prepping myself to walk in embarrassed and all... and as i approached the door i thought to myself, "what if by some amazing twist of fate class was canceled today? no, no, it won't be." and not a second later one of my classmates walked out of the building saying class was canceled. awesome! so i had a leisurely study time in crossroads while waiting on my spanish class.

that was done at noon, and here i am at two, still on campus and enjoying a free afternoon. i...

ate salad and soup and half a grilled cheese at the light side of welbourne.
decided that i should throw a tea party and everyone who comes should dress british and talk in british accents. my friends approve.
sat and chatted with a friend about stuff i've really been struggling with this semester.

i think i might take my compy and record some stuff in the music building. i'm dying to get away for a little while.

that's just it. i'm unsettled although it's a pretty day outside and i haven't much to do. my poetry has been all wonky and my mind has been all weirded out. i have a research proposal due tomorrow and i'm searching for something i actually would enjoy researching. hello, passion? where'd you go? i'm itching to get out of here for a while, to do something meaningful. there is a boy sitting next to me at the coffee shop and he is beating his pencil on the table in an annoyingly loud rhythm. to my surprise he does not, in fact, have headphones in.

after writing and deleting a giant portion of what i think i need, i say with assuredness,

i need to spend some time in God's presence.


listening to:
copeland - you are my sunshine
death cab for cutie - transatlanticism

drinking:
vanilla steamer with whip

wanting:
my glasses

hope, coffee, melody

i am home.

i am home i am home i am home!

right now i'm safely snug in the green down comforter of my bed (a bed i hope to inherit one day when i have a home of my own, as i've grown to appreciate how lovely it really is), tiger lily is with me looking outside the window, and i'm listening only to the sound of crows, crickets, and the first few leaves of the trees here pittering to the ground.

i'm looking at the anthropologie website, listening to playradioplay!, and am still in my pj's.

_____________________________________________________________________________

that was from thursday or friday... i can't exactly remember. all my days are mixed up and i love it.

right now i'm at the girls apartment in raleigh... three of my favorite ladies living together, and it's about five minutes away from my parents house. pretty perfect. i feel at home here as if it were my own home.

things i've gotten to see/do since being here:
- downtown raleigh
- robbie seay band in concert
- sponsor a child from the dominican ( via compassion international)
- eat cookout multiple times
- duke gardens
- midnight baseball field night sky viewings
- sleep. in. sleep. in. sleep. in.
- eat char-grill!!
- drink starbucks thrice! (cause you know there is none in boone)
- see many people i love, but not everyone i know i should see while here...


my mind has been set on the future so much the past few days. from fashion in pennsylvania to NPO's in san diego, from adventures in boston to adventures in the UK, who knows where i might find myself in the next few years? maybe i'll live no more than three hours away from where i am right now. Dr. Viktor Frankl says there is much power in hope, the difference between physical life and death even. interesting stuff!

i'm sad tomorrow is the day i must return to the rigamaroo of class-work-class-work-commitment, but that's just for now

one life to live, a million ways to live it

this morning i'm at the store, sipping a to-go cup of coffee courtesy of my way-too-nice-to-me roommate elizabeth.

it is a beautiful, sunny autumn day in boone and although i'm running on 5 hours of sleep (which, if you know me is a good 4 hours short of a sufficient amount), and although i'm really gross and un-showered from last night's gig, i'm one joyful and thankful sam crowder.

this past week has been a crazy one, what with classes and practices and preparations for the sylvia benson trunk show merritt and i planned at work and the klondike show with mike, who i've been happily singing bgv's for. this semester has been trying and tiring and exciting and whirlwind-ish, but i feel accomplished. i am so appreciative of the fullness of my life, the friends i've been meeting and laughing a lot with (sounds like an episode of mr. rodgers, i know, but i mean it with my whole heart!), and the really difficult stuff that makes the good things so much richer. it is grace that hems me in and gets me from day to day.

so, when kristen isn't at the store i always turn the XM radio to high standards on 73.... classic jazz and torch tunes. it makes the whole work experience so much more enjoyable and i like pretending i'm in an old-time movie while i'm folding the piles of expensive jeans and narcissistically straightening the hangers, and that at any moment some incredible handsome singing dancing man will come waltzing in a sweep me away :) frank, ella, etta, sarah, barbra... they play all the good ones on this channel!

i've been reading Jesus Calling by Young, in attempt to just be still and accept the things that the Lord tells us. (i've been in an extreme state of asking why and how instead of just saying, "okay") Young rewrites scriptures as first-person statements and promises from Him to us. some days i love it, and some days i trudge through knowing that i need it but not exactly feeling it. usually the latter have to do with being thankful at all times, at turning your complaining into praising, you know, stuff that isn't at all natural for human nature and isn't easy or fun. it almost seems like a defense mechanism. how is it possible to do that wholeheartedly, whole-mindedly? but today, i had to just bite the bullet, take the guards down and be thankful in the face of a "straw-that-broke-the-camels-back" situation that has reared it's ugly, unfair head.
and i will just say on the record, it's not fun, or easy, or even a little bit natural as a reaction, but it sure does change everything to say "thank you, Lord" for anything... breath, life, family, friends, 2 arms and 2 legs... whatever... when all you really want to say "________"(insert choice expletive here)or "it's unfair!" i will say definitively - that one is a slippery, gross and even more not fun nor easy slope to find yourself sliding down. and today i am finding a multitude of blessings, and i trust the Lord.

our time here is short. sometimes it is, as Hobbes said, nasty and brutish as well. but here at this pinnacle of my scholastic life and looking out into a great, exciting, scary unknown, it's nice to hear that there are a million different ways to live (thank you, invisible children e-mail update!)
a million beautiful, wonderful experiences to be had
not just one career forever, but many experiences that make our time and purpose here like an heirloom patchwork quilt
a million people to meet and help and love
a million different possibilities when He says "Go"
it's just too daunting to have this mindset of one thing we have to do the rest of our lives...

so i'm rambling and starting to annoy myself :) just some saturday thoughts. hey, fall break is in 4 days! yippeeee!

two leaves and a bud

i am so happy today because of the following reasons:

i thought i was late to dance but it had, in actuality, been cancelled for today. so
i made my way to the wired scholar where i discovered one of my
nashville favorites:
two leaves and a bud tea, the tea of choice at FIDO.

so right now, instead of dancing across the floor from corner to corner
i am dressed in a comfy cut-up johann sebastian bach tee and jeans
with a cup of white peony blossom in hand.

i am so enjoying just sitting in the shop and sipping and writing. it reminds me of the start of last year when i had so much hope and fight and determination after a season of struggle, after a season filled with the feeling of having waved my white flag one too many times. i remember last fall, being so thankful to even be in school, to be in a beautiful place, to be in control of what i'm learning and accomplishing. i am reminded of that this morning, and those feelings of hope and determination and thankfulness return to me, encouraging me that
even though this semester is kicking my tail
i am more than capable of kicking it right back. and i will.
booyah!

christmas isn't that far away.
88 days.

this weekend - blowing rock roomie date.
2 weekends until the fair!
then halloween, where i'm determined to dress as a W.A.C. member.
meanwhile, the leaves will be getting richer and richer in color.
and november will show up, beckoning me to spend money on christmas presents before the rush.
thanksgiving.
then the best time of year.

i think i can, i think i can.

veggie burrito mondays

i have an hour and twenty minutes until i have to be in at work. i can't even say how thankful i am even for this small amount of time to just sit and have nowhere to be. those moments are precious to me right now.

there are people who gain their purpose and motivation by being around others.
i am the general of the opposing camp.
if i don't have alone time every so often in a day, i get worn down so easily. i get stressed. i get frazzled and everything, even fun things, seem like too much to handle. ask my mom. i've called her about 9 gagillion times over the past few weeks saying everything short of a desperate "mommy!" ... i think i actually did say that.

something about this semester is tougher than the others. but i know i am well prepared for this. what i want out of my life right now isn't easy. i don't just receive it, i also have to fight for it, fingers curled into a fist and ready to get dirty.

i want to make good grades, i want to be a good employee, i want to be involved, i want to live life to the full, i want to be healthful (the word "healthy" just doesn't cut it sometimes), i want to be a good friend, i want to be musical and write and perform, i want to walk closer to the Lord than i have ever known, right now in this time that i feel farther from Him in a different way than i've ever known.

any one of those things would be hard enough on their own. put it together and i'm one busy lady with very little free moments to revamp. must. schedule. freetime.

i'm sure the people in the wired scholar are wondering what that girl is doing in the sweatpants and hoodie, hunched over the keyboard and a to-go plate of veggie burrito. gotta get over that whole "caring what people think about me" thing.

modern dance has become a special little blessing in my life. we do ridiculous stuff. today we danced the word "push". last week it was "glide" and "punch". i love it for some reason and i know i look hilarious, but i'm not alone. i let myself dance and move without inhibition, i walk away feeling refreshed.

without inhibition. perhaps if i could just inject that into every little aspect of my life...


today is beautiful here. i looked out the window in spanish and saw mountains and changing leaves (the "do i honestly go to school here?" moment du jour).



i got a tattoo when i was eighteen. since then i've gone through cycles of loving it, to wishing i could tweak it, to wanting to add to it, to wanting to erase it, to appreciating what it meant to me when i decided that's what i wanted. today i needed that reminder and i'm thankful,

God delights in me and in you. always. feverishly. even when we're fighting between the wisdom of men and the wisdom of Christ that is hard to believe in our own understanding, He looks on us and says "Hephzibah, my delight is in you"

good stuff. the stuff of life.

p.s. really excited about the North Carolina State Fair!

i am not

i am not superwoman. my own strength is so ... not strength.


today i missed a class because i completely forgot that i even had it.
sunday night i missed a cappella practice for the same reason. completely forgot.


and i have a fever, and my nose is all red and snotty, and i look bloated.


where is my head???


my room is all messy with clean clothes.


you know me, i am a chronic romanticist. well there's no romanticizing my way outta this one! it's only the second week of school, people!


notes, emails, comments, letters, mix tapes/cd's, voicemails, and texts of encouragement are sooo welcomed!

so, i'm off to heed the advice of steph:
- take a deep breath
-put on good music
-know that people love me as is
-know that i will get through this school year with style and class.

"Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble" - Psalm 119:165


if only i could get a dose of peace the same way i can get a dose of 1000 milligrams of vitamin c. thanks emergen-c.

does this make sense??

i am cuddled up on the couch. t-shirt, basketball shorts, blanket, shakespeare in love.

there is too much that has gone on and not enough words to find that seem important enough to mention.

i've had an insatiable desire lately to watch harry potter, lord of the rings, and the chronicles of narnia.

i want fall. the air gets so cold here at night so much that it reminds me of the real nearness of autumn. i can't even wait. so many good things come with fall. many good things that have happened in my life have happened in the fall.

i digress.

i've been working a lot lately at gladiola girls. it's becoming more of a joy for me to be there and to work hard. it's been a little over six months, and i can't imagine myself stopping anytime soon. the work is work. but being there, working hard... there's some kind of joy that comes with that.

the guys in this movie.... well, there are lots of bubble-hem skirts.

[everything i want out of life, all the richness, love, adventure...
i'll get it.]


my class line-up for this fall:
-modern dance
-recording administration
-advanced poetry
-spanish
-jazz vocal ensemble
-treble choir
-magic, witchcraft, and religion

i am very thankful to finally be here. i write pantoums and learn about tribal belief systems for a grade! and sing jazz songs! awesome.


i am very broke.

a particularly hopeful buzzing in my head

maybe it was the columbian coffee i went out on a limb for today. espresso news in my newest vice in this little town.

everyone is moving back in this week and it is so refreshing to see familiar faces again. making plans, scrambling around to staples and wal*mart and grocery stores, getting ready for schedules again...

for fall again.

books. sweaters. leaves. coffee. library. football games. the fair. that great firewood smell.

but this morning the air is still welcoming and warm, and i'm wearing summer colors on my dress. elizabeth started moving in her new room stuff last night and it has finally hit me that fall classes are really starting next week, that nancy is married and is not my roommate anymore, that elizabeth and i are going to be a roomie duo. it's all new, and new is always exciting.

i feel like i was just getting excited about starting my summer in boone. getting through summer seems to be about as easy as tubing down a lazy river. you know, it's just a matter of time and it's done. sometimes you wish the current would pick up a little, but as soon as the ride is almost done you wish you could somehow do it again. that's how my summer has been.



last weekend, my wonderful friends from nashville made a spontaneous trip to visit me here. i had a blast. i've never been kayaking before, but it was a quick love affair. i do live in the blue ridge mountains... i need to take more advantage of it!



i can't believe how long ago it was that i started college at belmont. i'm so happy to have made lifetime friends.

the [really] calm before the storm

i remember sitting here on this couch spring and summer of last year, watching reba re-runs with my mom and dad and counting down the days until i'd be headed off to my appalachian experience.

tonight i sit and i am worn out. i feel like all my energy has been sapped out of me, and i'm about to start year two of appalachian. i am excited. i've never looked forward to summer being over until now. i'm just... ready. i can see the light at the end of the college tunnel, but i still have enough time to plan out things like internships and summer study abroad trips.

sometimes i forget that i am still so young. i've been feeling a little of the "quarter-life crisis" lately. my friends have careers and husbands and internships and degrees and plans and opportunities. i can't help but feel a little behind.


maybe i just need to take the last week before classes start and do a little sam retreat.
-buy school supplies
-re-work the budget system (that i've been slacking on BIG time)
-write down a list of goals for this semester
-start planning internships and study abroad
-vocal warm-ups
-take charge of my body, because a refreshed body gives way to a refreshed spirit (for me, anyway)
-read a feel-good fiction novel
-finish my p.o.t.p. (painting on the parkway)

tiger lily is sitting on my lap as i type. holy cuteness.

on a less vague note...

i'm in raleigh with my little firecracker of a kitten, tiger lily, biting my arm as i type.


i've only got a few moments before i leave to get my hair cut with rachel at salon blu. it's not even so much about the cut when i know that glorious wash/ scalp massage is coming....

oooh yeah!

this morning: my neice anna's 3rd birthday party at jumpin' beans
note to self: invest in a moon bounce, it is worth it

this afternoon:
paint nails
john's birthday cookout at the park
sisterhood of the traveling pants 2!!! friends, popcorn, twizzlers, spending way too much money for refreshments, and tears, i'm sure.
and a little covert operation.

love to you, and peace today
sam

p.s. photos of the teejmeister to come

Thoughts from endless asphault; the yellow line syndrome

I lead a fairly simple life.

I am but a girl, or a “young woman” (lest I forget that I just turned 21!) I live in a small town in the mountains of North Carolina, attending college and working. The rest of my time I spend in Raleigh, with those I know and love from Raleigh, and on the road between here and there. That road has housed my prayers and my mistakes, my music, confessions, my [loud] singing, the one side of two-sided telephone conversations.

I enjoy simple things. I am an old soul beauty, with eyes too big and brown, curves too thick for today, and a voice most attuned to ella, sarah, nancy, and billie. I like antiques, vintage keepsakes, floral prints, and pastels. I enjoy being polite and speaking softly. I am plain, really. I want to fall in love, be a mother, and forever delve into the mystery that is the promise of Jesus Christ.

There is nothing too extraordinary about me. I am one grain of sand on the shores of humanity. and i love this experience.




this simple life sure does feel epic sometimes...
in a wonderful sort of way. in a way that is familiar to many.


i love all the crazy and silly and stupid emotions that make life life.
love, envy, amazement, romance, joy, helplessness, thankfulness, passion, loneliness, numbness, the feeling of being so alive, all there, in one place.

just some ridiculous food for thought.
-sam

lost in a place i know

there are things i wish i could do:

- afford microdermabrasion treatments
- feel okay about buying those $202 pair of citizens jeans
- pack up and go for a weekend trip to visit old friends
- weigh 120 pounds and wear a two-piece without feeling like i need to hide
- fill up my gas tank until my gauge actually says "full"
- act with grace and eloquence in any social situation
- not take things personally that were not intended to be taken personally
- ride a horse
- afford a nice digital camera
- write a novel
- play music
- dance without inhibition
- fall in love with the right person at the right time


the past few weeks have been rough. from family issues to just overall feeling at a loss living in boone to ending a relationship with a very decent and kind man, i'm experiencing myself in the raw.

i know my family needs to be going through what it is going through, it's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's hard to know my place in the family, being a partial daughter, a partial listening ear, and a partial out-of-the-picture-girl. i miss having a mom and dad. i need a mom and dad.

i also know i'm supposed to be in boone this summer - but i have one month left before classes start in the fall, and the only thing occupying my time between now and then is work. i feel a strange disconnectedness between myself and the group of people i know who are here this summer.

the one solid link between them and myself was austin, who i've recently ended romantic ties with, although we remain good friends, hoping the best and happiest for one another. you can't take something that isn't wrong and make it right.

perhaps i'm too guarded, too analytical, too romantically minded, too much, too little... who the heck knows? perhaps i just need to be me, and not be afraid of that.

all i know for sure is that i'm exactly where i need to be, and although the light shines only a few inches ahead of me, i know the unknown beyond that is still where He is, and i'm excited to see what He has for me there.

(i desperately need to take a shower.)

"now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country."

i am sighing into the giant empty world of blogspot that, right now, is a kind world of possibility and a friendly listening ear.

over the past week i've become a renter of movies. i got my wisdom teeth removed tuesday morning, and after two days straight of drug-enhanced super-napping and applesauce eating, i have had three (3) rentals from blockbuster. i'm usually just fine with the movies i own and know i love. i'm not much of a risk-taker when it comes to movies, and i'd rather spend the $4 on a burger and a shake, or new shampoo. i started off with The Holiday, moved on to Charlie Bartlett, just finished up Becoming Jane and am now settling down for a made-for-tv masterpeice starring ashley tisdale, which doesn't really count but i'm watching it and... maybe enjoying? :) okay, definitely enjoying! i can't help it... i'm a sucker for really cheesy teen romantic comedies.

it's been nice to be home. although i haven't been able to enjoy my usual raleigh activities such as ample cookout eating and late-night drives to krispy kreme, it's been refreshing to have a week to literally have nothing on the schedule. no work. no school. no plans. just rest, relaxation, recovery, and blockbuster movies.

i've been able to spend a good deal of time with my mom, too. the past few years have been spotted with hardships and disconnectedness within my family, and the current situation is one that will probably take a lifetime to learn how to deal with. this house, this neighborhood... the feeling of "home" becomes more and more distant with each visit, and more sentimental when it hits me. i'm growing up.

my mom is a sweet, kind-hearted, beautiful woman. she has never hoped for extraordinary things for her own life. she is sixty years old, loves getting her hair "done", and is an amazing artist. she is stuck in a failed marriage wrought with financial ruin and told me today that she doesn't have a lot to be happy about.

i tried to memorize the way she was willingly speaking about when she was "my age", her form rocking back and forth against the summer green backdrop of our front yard, her voice barely louder than the chaos of crickets that are so characteristic of raleigh in july.

i wish i could say something of importance.
_____________________________________________________________________________

on a different note, i am now the proud owner of my grandfather's typewriter. mom found it hidden in the basement, untouched by the parade of yard sales we've had over the past few years in attempt to prepare for "downsizing". it's beautiful, old, black, with "William Samuel Long" written in red ink taped to the inside. my mom test wrote on it, family names, symbols, and "now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country". my mom said that's the sentence everyone learned how to type with back in the day, so naturally, that's what she typed to test out the old typewriter.

_____________________________________________________________________________

i'm unsure of what the rest of the summer holds. i'm starting to get excited about school resuming, with a stellar line-up of classes and back-to-school lists. for nancy, this summer has been life-changing, with a new, beautiful marriage in tow. heather is radiant, back from a year in costa rica, with a man we all approve of. for jess, this summer marks a realization of the closeness and reality of her music career. i'm not sure what it has been for me just yet. but it's been good, and i'm three teeth lighter. i'll save the self-assessment for later :)

hopefully i'll finish the books i'm currently in the middle of (Total Money Maker - Ramsey; A Field Guide to Getting Lost - Solnit; One Writer's Beginning- Welty), make it to yoga a few times, catch up on some correspondence, see She & Him in concert, take a few pictures, and maybe, just maaaaybe, see the beach.


man, am i going to be happy when i can eat with gusto!

p.s. run's house is awesome.

love, sam

coffee; joy comes with the morning

currently eating: a delicious peach
currently listening to: starbucks xm radio station, as usual at the store
currently anticipating: mom & dad coming, my own bedroom with furniture, birthday celebrations, wisdom teeth removal...


this morning, i woke up at 5:30. and stayed up!

if you know me, you know what a momentous occasion this is.

i walked up the hill of the apartment complex and sat facing the city, and beyond that, the blue ridge mountains. i have so desperately needed to be still and to know that God is.

to be present in the moment of His presence.

i sat and watched as the sun rose behind the clouds, occasionally peeking through to prove that morning was really there. let yesterday be yesterday, and all of the weeks, months, and years before be the past. let brand new mercies cover you for today. this is the day that the Lord has made :)

i watered my plants, lit a candle, made my bed, fed geronimo, moved some furniture, put dishes away, took a shower, and was out the door at 7:50 a.m. what on earth?

the farmer's market was lovely this morning. more people than last week, for sure. i grabbed a cup of bald guy brew, kenyan drip, the beans straight from the farmer. chilly enough to wear a light sweater, the weather stayed a sense-illuminating overcast. summer in boone is unlike any summer i have experienced. this week i got peaches from a farm in brushy mountain, a poppyseed muffin, zucchini, and a homemade candle from this little old lady who makes and sells crafts with pressed flowers.

it's just a little moment for me every week. something i can depend on, look forward to, and enjoy thoroughly. indulge in coffee, watch elderly couples walk around holdng hands, feel like a part of the community, ya know, the whole nine.



okay, back to work for now!

ants and mutual funds

i'm watching samantha brown's passport to latin america, drinking pomegranate tea and eating toast with strawberry jam.

my apartment is infested with tiny ants. sometimes i feel one little guy crawling on my foot.

just a few thoughts on the morning...

- i am so enjoying living in boone and exploring mountain culture. my favorite thus far has been going to the farmer's market. last weekend there was a fiddle player, and i just didn't have enough time to sit and listen, while eating my homemade poppy-seed muffin that austin got for us to share.

- the ants have found my toast & jam plate.

- i, samantha crowder, have an investment account with mutual funds. i have mutual funds!! i even had a little emotional moment in john ritter's office when he told me how proud he was of me :)

-when i think of praising the Lord, i often imagine myself dancing. my friend laura is a worshipful dancer in practice, i am one in my mind. i'm taking modern I next semester just for the heck of it while i'm still in school. i might be terrible. but i can't wait. there are three songs i desperately want to dance to:
hosanna - jason morant
yes you have - leeland
eat, sleep, repeat - copeland

-i am going to be late for the bus :)

rejoicing ; the long ride home

my nails are long, shaped, and colored in a french manicure, reminding me of the jam-packed weekend i just experienced and am still processing.

this morning, i feel ultimately ill-prepared.

i did not muster up the motivation to prepare myself for bed, but instead crawled in fully clothed with the day's minimal make-up left on my face. my body wants only to recover from the wonderful emotional and physical overload that was this weekend. recover from the 3 hour journey there and back. my skin wants to rest from self-tanner and scented lotions. my hair wants to be left alone after a weekend of curling, teasing, pinning, spraying, and overall frying. i loved everything about it.

so, my body feels like it was just slammed into the ground by a sumo-wrestler, my eyes are all puffy, and my head aches something vicious. i was not prepared for today. i was not prepared to come into work, clock in, and receive my paycheck. i am not prepared for the last three days of class and the reading i have yet to delve into for the final exam on thursday. my mind is still back in the peidmont, remembering nancy's excitement and pure joy as she prepared to meet her husband at the alter. i am still thinking over those people that i love as my own family, seeing their faces. it is still buzzing over dresses and centerpieces and dance moves. for the first time, i really miss living in raleigh for the summer. the air is thicker there, especially at night. i miss the orchestra of crickets and the smell of honeysuckle. i miss being available for those people that i love.

last night, as i was reluctantly driving back to boone, i was talking to God. it's been a little while since i've just spilled about every little detail. i always feel stupid when i do that, because there is this battle between reverence and intimacy, you know? it rings with the battle between the wisdom of this world and faith like a child. i find it in the battle between seeing myself in a "home" life and seeing myself living a life so out of the ordinary. security vs. adventure. comfort vs. risk.

so i spilled and spilled and told God i felt stupid and that i didn't understand how it could be true that He cares about those tiniest little details of my life, and not just mine,

but every human, across cultures, across time, every single one according to their own human experience historically, culturally, geographically....

how can that be true? in the matter of one chapter, He is so big....

Isaiah 40:15
Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

and He is so small...

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

In Isaiah 43, He says even, "I have called you by name, you are mine"






more on all of this later, for sure.
love, sam

borrowed clothing, curly fries

this week is a whirlwind. my mind is a whirlwind.

in my usual fashion, i am attempting to conjure up my writing mode on here before i start my take-home exam. my sister and brother-in-law are taking a nap, and every little part of me wants to be sleeping, too. but if i get this started now, i won't have to bail out later when fun things are going on!

i look like absolute trash, and i'd have it no other way for now. funny, how i've had beauty on the brain so much. there are some moments in life when it is completely unnecessary and probably detrimental if you did look any kind of nice. the first day of your period is one of those days. don't look nice on that day, it is a law. sweat pants, hoodie, pony-tail, and you're set!

so, my goal is that sometime between today and tomorrow i will become super-motivated-awesome-vitamin-taking-working-out-tan-fresh-skin sam! one side of me knows that i have to keep my mind here, doing classwork. the other side of me knows that in a few days, my very best friend is getting married and i just want to be there right now getting prepared and excited with everyone i love so dearly.

my life right now feels like borrowed clothing and curly fries.

today - finish one exam question, read two articles
tomorrow- finish two exam questions, read two articles, pack
thursday - turn in exam, paint nails pink, drive to raleigh, go sunning, airport to welcome heather home!!!!
friday - practice song, bridesmaid lunch, spend-the-nightie
saturday - long-awaited and budgeted manicure and pedicure, sunning, beautifying, rehearsal & dinner
sunday - the biggest party of a wedding ever in history.

i love that God listens to even our most bare, tact-less prayers. what a comfort. that got me through this morning.

i want to research feng shui. i could use a little of that in my life. we learned about daoism this morning in class, and there are so many principles that churn with God's truth, even within that completely different belief system. i remember learning last semester that even the tabernacle was set up in such a way that the door faced open to the east, and everything was set in a particular place for a particular purpose to house the very presence of the Most High. it was a matter dire importance, care, concern, and it is so interesting to me that so many religious systems incorporate a similar matter of placement and order to usher in something bigger than themselves. hm hm hm.

okay, i will make a cup of tea, take an ibuprofen (or two), and get cracking on this exam... maybe or maybe not after i close my eyes a little :)

peace and blessings,
samantha

helpless:night::hopeful:day [a reprieve]

my nails are the color of coral and my skin is a few shades darker than the last time i posted.

i love june!

weddings, summer-colored skin, birthdays, celebrations, fireflies, izze, hot dogs, dresses.
i could go on with that list for a while. i am, and will forever be, a child of summer.

birthday weekend was lovely. from a lingerie shower for my dearest nancy to first drinks with my sister, from playing with little anna to a wonderful cookout party with all kinds of people i love sorely...
it was so good! like, lay-in-bed-about-to-sleep-with-a-goofy-smile good. (yoplait commercials, anyone?)

there's a lot rolling around my head right now. i've got a kitchen full of folded laundry and gifts and bags, needing to be put away. i've got a book on "hinduism and ecology" needing to be read, comprehended (a task completely separate from reading, i will note!!), and made into an hour-friendly understandable presentation by wednesday. work keeps calling asking me to switch shifts (as per usual), i've been sitting on the floor next to my cardboard-box-turned-table for the better half of the evening, and i keep feeding my hunger for real food with leftover funfetti cupcakes. all i really want to do is stay cooped up for the night, deny my responsibilities, curl up and watch a movie. oh man, i am a helpless creature! but i think these moments are essential to my equilibrium, somehow.

__________________________________________________


thank goodness, i have recovered from my helplessness and am well on my way to being productive. sometimes it's as simple as the changing from night to day that can change my reclusiveness to productiveness.

today has been lovely. i slept in way too late and vetoed my shower needs, and somehow pulled off a denim pencil skirt, tee, scarf, and brown heels combo. work was so enjoyable. i met parisa, the high-school web-design helping hand, who i hope stays on board with us as a gladiola girl. her company made the morning so much more bearable and our website is coming along. i continue to praise the Lord for this job.

right now there is an afternoon thunderstorm outside. i can see and hear it from where i sit, perched at the chosen library computer, ready to knock out "hinduism and ecology". the reading is a whole lot more stimulating than i expected, especially since some pop-culture entertainment and nolan's trip have piqued my interest in india. what an exciting place! i quote from a little princess, "the air is hot and thick, you can almost taste it. it's more like spices, really. curry, and saffron." eastern religion yearns and moans with elements of truth, elements that sometimes even our own refined american christian practice lacks.


aaaanyway, enough with all of that!

i really like fashion and beauty. i like helping people pick out an outfit that lays perfectly, and hits all the right places. i love the intention i put into picking an outfit, or in choosing a specific piece that can completely change a whole look, and even a whole attitude. i love styling hair and applying make-up. shopping for toiletries and cosmetics is weirdly and sickly invigorating to me. i feel stupid, really stupid, putting it into words, but i've just been trying to figure it all out lately. what does any of it matter?

is it a connection with, longing for, or obsession with beauty? is it art? is it a love for building relationships, especially amongst girls? i mean, communication opens up WIDE when women beautify together. i learn fears, pasts, hopes, anxieties. where is the purpose in all this? am i feeding a monster that cuts women down, or just enjoying when women look in the mirror and feel pretty? it seems twisted. but something seems redeemable about it all. i just can't figure it out. until then, i will still cut out pictures from lucky magazine of hairstyles i want (yes please to zooey deschanel,this month's cover girl, and her stellar hair), i will strive to improve as a stylist at gladiola girls, and i will still swear by my benetint lip and cheek stain with a fervor.


tonight:
-work on presentation
-gym
-put away laundry
-start thank-you notes on my new stationary ::yess!::
-start new journal, finally.
-pray a dangerous prayer
-don't be a recluse

tomorrow:
-gg
-class
-bank
-budget
-spin & sculpt
-dad's day gift
-date!


it's still raining outside. i'm going to be in the library forever.
love,
sam

dixie cups; coffee beans

[okay, sam, you have fifteen minutes to blog before resuming your essays for sustainability, religion, and spirituality. go!]

seriously, in the time it took me to type that, i've wasted five minutes remembering that i wanted to google "dave ramsey", to email my friend lane from class, and to re-read a poem i wrote consider whether or not it is postable. i am hopeless and my thoughts are everywhere and i have waited until now to start writing my essays. ah, yes!

iced turtle from beansTalk in hand, i have a few things on my heart that i just need to type out in an orderly (or, not so orderly) fashion. this little dixie cup with coffee beans on it is holding the glorious elixir that will help me finish these essays!

so, my dear friend joy is married. i was lucky enough to be a part of the wonderful chaos saturday morning of last weekend, curling hair and spraying ungodly amounts of hairspray and choosing whether "mocha" or "dark chocolate" would match as the eyeshadow for joy and her 'maids. i love everything about it.



on the one hand, i haven't given too much thought to the fact that my friend from high school is married. oh yes, we would talk endlessly about boys together and do homework together and spend hours of time in the theatre getting ready for the spring plays together. she's maybe the fourth or so girlfriend of mine to get married recently, so on this hand i feel like, yes, this is the time in my life that i'll be getting invitations galore in the mail for this shower and that bridal luncheon and this wedding and that wedding, and i'll be budgeting for at least three wedding gifts per wedding season!


on the other hand, my eyes just kind of glaze over when i realize, holy cow, i AM this old! in a few days, i will be 21. (funfetti cake, here i come!!!) that's like, sex and the city old. i feel like i should be drinking martinis every night and having really wise things to say about life and love. 21 can mean so many different things to different people. like, for joy, nancy, laura, and rachel, 21 is the year of marriage. to inStyle magazine, 21 is the precious year that your skin is still youthful, you can wear fitted pencil skirts that hit above the knee, and you can have multiple boyfriends, a killer career, and starbucks every morning. to nancy, 21 means changing from a "brownie" (brown accessory girl) to a "blackie" (black accessory girl), black wallet, purse, and high heels in tow. for many, it is the year of college graduation and business cards with their names in ink.

i have no idea what 21 will be for me. i can be relatively sure that it will not involve marriage, a black wallet, perfect skin, or college graduation. but i am so looking forward to seeing what it brings. a church family, i hope. a renewed sense of possibility for life regardless of the restraints of a tight budget. a childlike faith. discipline to hear, ears to hear what i don't expect, courage to obey what i hear no matter what the cost or doubt is.


today, as i was walking from the bus at raley circle to beansTalk, i realized, it is summer. it is june, and i'm wearing a blue jersey dress UNaccompanied by any sort of cardigan or scarf. i have sun on my skin. there is a braid in my hair sweeping the bangs off of my face and i just finished a book that i read for fun. last night, i ate dinner on the side of a hill overlooking the blue ridge mountains with a boy i respect and admire. and though i am spending a lot of time at work and in class, there is no doubting it any longer...it is sooo summertime, and i love it.


currently reading for school: ecospirit- kearns and keller, main currents in western encironmental thought- hay
currently reading for fun: the total money makeover - dave ramsey
currently missing: television and coastal carolina
recently viewed: a little princess. what a wonderful childhood fave! i cried my eyes out!
current diet: anything i can make a sandwich or wrap out of.
international flavor of the week: india

tied together with string and tape

currently listening to: happy birthday - altered images (as featured on gimore girls, episode "rory's birthday parties")
currently reading: what is the what - dave eggars
currently eating: a spinach wrap and the sweetest strawberries known to man
currently excited about: the watauga county farmer's market tomorrow morning!

this week has been such a nice one. lots of time to myself. lots of self-reflection and realizations.

i have decided i don't like living by myself. i like knowing that i'm going to see and spend time with people as a default in my day. just a few days and i'll be starting my summer class, "sustainability, religion, and spirituality", and will have a little community within that class, thank goodness!

the Lord has provided again for me and, i am speechless. "tell of His marvelous works!", the psalmist says, and so i will! i thought i was going to have to pay rent out-of-pocket for the summer and give up summer school. but again He has made a miracle out of things that, ultimately, don't even matter. the very evening after i went to the bank and sat with the lady to have a constant credit line with 18% interest tied to my account (i had come to terms that this was the only option i had left...) He covered my expenses, in one check made out to samantha crowder. one check.

and my uncle is paying for my wisdom teeth surgery. and then sent me money to buy groceries. what the heck???

there's this song that goes, "how do you know that He never fails? - i've seen Him work!"

and that rings so true to me. some people have the ability to back up their faith with facts, logic, literature, history, apologetics, or years of rigorous training in doctrine. i admire those people, i respect them and wish i could have half the information they have. i barely digest the Word on a regular basis. but if one were to demand why i unfalteringly believe what i do, i can tell them that i've seen Him, i have felt Him, i have seen Him work and have partaken in the blessings thereof! hallelujah!

i can tell them of the time when i smelt the bodies of hundreds of dancing Kenyans inside a clay church building on a hot summer afternoon, praising in a tongue i can't understand, but He can. or when I looked into the eyes of a girl i barely knew, in her own home, and watched her grasp belief in something we cannot see. i can tell them of when i watched my mother weep in disappointment, fearing she failed herself, our family, God, me... only to experience supernatural blessings to provide for our needs. i have felt Him beat in my soul, in my short twenty-one years of living. i have seen many lands, i have seen their people, heard their languages, and felt the foreign breezes on my skin, knowing He is there just as much as He is here, in the United States, as i know Him to be. these are the times i have known that i've known that i've known, experiences i try desperately to bring back down to words, tying them together with string and tape.


_________________________________________________________________________________


we don't need as much as we think we do.

i've been reading a lot the past few days. at the moment there's no TV in 301, along with no furniture, so i've made a little pillow corner with a cardboard box holding my 12" powerbook where i've been watching season two of the office, the darjeeling limited, and other tv on dvd. it has also become my little reading haven, where i have consumed a surprising amount of What is the What. it's really bittersweet to not have a TV, that glorious little outlet to entertainment. i miss the travel channel and re-runs of the hills, but i know it's so good for me. it's like having to eat a mandarin chicken salad when you KNOW a cheeseburger cookout tray with fries, onion rings, and a huge tea would taste soooo much better. this is the first time in my life i've felt compelled to make a reading list, so i've done it for this summer, and i know it would never be accomplished with a TV as my willing companion in the empty apartment.

i've read a lot while at work, too, especially this week because it's been so dreadfully slow. it is the week between spring semester and first summer session, the week preceding memorial day, the week where boone becomes a barren wasteland (sometimes enjoyably so, other times frighteningly so).

so, yes, i've been sitting behind the counter of a highly priced girls clothing and accessories boutique (it's "urban chicwear", kristen says), but i've really been in the thicket of southern sudan, walking along the path with achak and hundreds of other displaced dinka boys, a third-person fly-on-the-wall witnessing all those terrible things as he recalls them. i'd guess a collective hour a day i spend with him in those pages, reading slowly, reading it so i can hear how he'd say it, and his voice plays in my head like a song. dave eggars is a mastermind of a writer. sometimes i underline things that aren't profound, but are worded so brilliantly i don't want to forget it. i want to emulate it.

so, no, i don't need a tv, but i miss it. we don't need three meals a day (or six small meals a day, for those metabolically minded) but that is our social construction of reality (thank you, dr. carp and your crazy Histories of Knowledges class!) we do not need ipods but, alas, i am budgeting for a new one because the hard drive broke on my other one last august and i think i need it. the quality of my life as i experience seems nicer with john coltrane playing in my head. we don't need cell phones. down comforters, full-time jobs with benefits and a parking pass, coffee in the morning. i don't need a microwave, a camera, a keyboard, or art. life, the bare bones of it, needs so much less than what we could even imagine and so much more than we could ever hold in our hands.

culture is so funny. life, when faced with death, is intoxicating, sifting out what doesn't matter and bringing to the front the few things that do.

the collective sigh of relief

how thankful am i for a few days home to rest! not just sleep, but rest. to find rest in my spirit and stay there a while.

to wash my skin with clinique soap!
to keep the windows open, even during the night when it gets cold, and cuddle up with clean blankets.
to do laundry at a leisurely pace.
to sleep 8+ hours in consecutive nights.
to nap just because i feel like it!
to read lewis when i have free and inspired moments in my day.
to meet dear friends and eat and have wonderful conversation!
to tie up loose ends.
to breathe in and feel it in my heart.
to do what i can remember of yoga on my green mat and fib the rest.
to be perfectly fine with bad weather and rejoice in the good weather.
to get in my swimsuit and go sunning!
to play the piano as much as i want and pretend like i'm really good at it.
to go on walks and drives and outings, in parks and cul-de-sacs and shops.


okay, so, exams are done and summer is here! WOOHOO! for a while there i wasn't sure if i'd EVER see summer. i've been working so hard that, now that i'm here, i have no idea what to do with myself! i need to make a list of summer "goals and randomies" (as i so fondly call them) for the season.

and i have successfully completed my first year at appalachian state. i have come a long way, across state lines and in all kinds of majors and classes and colleges, and i am happy and settled where i am now. i had to learn a lot of stuff, and it was hard, and i'm here, and i'm glad.

at the moment, i am home for a few days and will be heading back up to boone to spend the majority of the summer. the apartment in boone is left only with imprints of where furniture used to be, and i'm unsure of how long it will be before it feels like a little shnuggly home again with plentiful furniture, roommates, friends, food, and fun.

this summer is not going to go as i had planned. i heard once that if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. but then i heard that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. and once that "many hands make light work"... but enough with that jargon! i was planning on taking two classes and working two jobs, saving money, and getting to know the great outdoors that is just sitting outside of my little apartment 301. instead, i can't take the classes i had hoped to, and i've only got one job. i'll be roommateless and tight on money. hmmm. hey, God? what are You up to? i'm asking and listening. all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, so i'm looking forward to seeing what happens.

here's what i know will happen as of now:

work at gladiola girls
joy's wedding (hair and make-up lady extraordinaire!)
and all the showers and luncheons and whatnot that come with a wedding.
spending time with one of my very best friends
turning 21!!
nancy and will's wedding. week long celebration!
and...
wisdom teeth removal. oh. no.
music and friends in beaufort, nc.


maybe...

a class?
finding a boone church to connect to?
cassie's wedding in nashville?
music?
good things?
hard things?


here's to summer and new days ahead!

-samantha