helpless:night::hopeful:day [a reprieve]

my nails are the color of coral and my skin is a few shades darker than the last time i posted.

i love june!

weddings, summer-colored skin, birthdays, celebrations, fireflies, izze, hot dogs, dresses.
i could go on with that list for a while. i am, and will forever be, a child of summer.

birthday weekend was lovely. from a lingerie shower for my dearest nancy to first drinks with my sister, from playing with little anna to a wonderful cookout party with all kinds of people i love sorely...
it was so good! like, lay-in-bed-about-to-sleep-with-a-goofy-smile good. (yoplait commercials, anyone?)

there's a lot rolling around my head right now. i've got a kitchen full of folded laundry and gifts and bags, needing to be put away. i've got a book on "hinduism and ecology" needing to be read, comprehended (a task completely separate from reading, i will note!!), and made into an hour-friendly understandable presentation by wednesday. work keeps calling asking me to switch shifts (as per usual), i've been sitting on the floor next to my cardboard-box-turned-table for the better half of the evening, and i keep feeding my hunger for real food with leftover funfetti cupcakes. all i really want to do is stay cooped up for the night, deny my responsibilities, curl up and watch a movie. oh man, i am a helpless creature! but i think these moments are essential to my equilibrium, somehow.

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thank goodness, i have recovered from my helplessness and am well on my way to being productive. sometimes it's as simple as the changing from night to day that can change my reclusiveness to productiveness.

today has been lovely. i slept in way too late and vetoed my shower needs, and somehow pulled off a denim pencil skirt, tee, scarf, and brown heels combo. work was so enjoyable. i met parisa, the high-school web-design helping hand, who i hope stays on board with us as a gladiola girl. her company made the morning so much more bearable and our website is coming along. i continue to praise the Lord for this job.

right now there is an afternoon thunderstorm outside. i can see and hear it from where i sit, perched at the chosen library computer, ready to knock out "hinduism and ecology". the reading is a whole lot more stimulating than i expected, especially since some pop-culture entertainment and nolan's trip have piqued my interest in india. what an exciting place! i quote from a little princess, "the air is hot and thick, you can almost taste it. it's more like spices, really. curry, and saffron." eastern religion yearns and moans with elements of truth, elements that sometimes even our own refined american christian practice lacks.


aaaanyway, enough with all of that!

i really like fashion and beauty. i like helping people pick out an outfit that lays perfectly, and hits all the right places. i love the intention i put into picking an outfit, or in choosing a specific piece that can completely change a whole look, and even a whole attitude. i love styling hair and applying make-up. shopping for toiletries and cosmetics is weirdly and sickly invigorating to me. i feel stupid, really stupid, putting it into words, but i've just been trying to figure it all out lately. what does any of it matter?

is it a connection with, longing for, or obsession with beauty? is it art? is it a love for building relationships, especially amongst girls? i mean, communication opens up WIDE when women beautify together. i learn fears, pasts, hopes, anxieties. where is the purpose in all this? am i feeding a monster that cuts women down, or just enjoying when women look in the mirror and feel pretty? it seems twisted. but something seems redeemable about it all. i just can't figure it out. until then, i will still cut out pictures from lucky magazine of hairstyles i want (yes please to zooey deschanel,this month's cover girl, and her stellar hair), i will strive to improve as a stylist at gladiola girls, and i will still swear by my benetint lip and cheek stain with a fervor.


tonight:
-work on presentation
-gym
-put away laundry
-start thank-you notes on my new stationary ::yess!::
-start new journal, finally.
-pray a dangerous prayer
-don't be a recluse

tomorrow:
-gg
-class
-bank
-budget
-spin & sculpt
-dad's day gift
-date!


it's still raining outside. i'm going to be in the library forever.
love,
sam