the lights are still up.

and it is weird.

i love christmas time. i get sad, though, because this whole time i knew, and i would think to myself, that the one day will come and all in an instant, it's gone. it's done. the cold and gray is much more beautiful when there are lights and carols and garland and eggnog, and i myself would be willing to celebrate christmas over an extended period of time instead of it resting on one day. we make celebrating the birth of our Christ kinda lame. sorry christmas, i just didn't feel you like i wanted to this year. i know you're the best holiday, but we just need to work on it a little.

i would love some bojangles right now.

there are two trips that i hope to take in the next few years. i hope to take a trip to anchorage, alaska in may of 2009. the world beard and moustache championship will be taking place there, and this is something my friend matt and i are dying to witness! also, i have always wanted to see the northern lights, and now that i've taken one semester of astronomy i feel like i'll appreciate it a whole lot more.

and i'd also like to take a trip to the UK, Ireland, and Scotland, hopefully before i graduate. i'd like to go and take my time, look at apartments in the suburbs of london, check out potential jobs, and just explore. i want to read books about the history so i can go and really experience those places. anyone in?

now, i don't make a lot of money. and my family is not in a position to fund any trips, well, of any kind! usually, the travels i experience are through a church ministry, and can be funded by people who want to support that. so, the idea is to make a plan to where i can go on these trips and NOT be absolutely broke.

experiences of a lifetime vs. being able to support future family comfortably

adventure and living life to the full (vs.) comfort and living life to a more humble, but powerful, kind of full

what is the wise choice here?


obviously i just need to pray about things more. i find it hard to believe He cares about stupid stuff like that. but that's what makes Him so different. it is His strange and all-encompassing love that drives us, and drives me.


i just can't express how much i want to be quieted by snow.

...i simply remember my favorite things...

so, right now i'm sitting in my pj's, beside the fire. the tree is lit, and i'm watching some movie on superstation, and i really should be feeling happier than i feel.

i actually should be at work right now. they scheduled me for eight hour shifts, seven days in a row. first, i am very thankful for the opportunity to work. second, i like working in jewelry so much more than fragrances. third, that is just too much work for any one person!

so i called in sick and i've been in my pj's all day. i've been dealing with some heavy stuff this christmas break. sometimes i just lose sight of the things i love, and why i even love those things at all. when there are things to deal with, sometimes it's easier to just shut down for a little bit, and not deal with anything at all.

today was one of those days. one of those "i don't want to deal" days. so now i'm going to try and deal:



i'm overwhelmed with relationship....stuff. guys. there's nothing terribly crazy going on, but, i'd love to have somebody right now. i could have something, but not the kind of something i've been waiting so long for. i wish for patience, confidence in myself, confidence in what i believe, and the feeling of content at my state right now. everything around me is telling me that at this age, i should be in a relationship, and what kind of relationship that should be. it's everywhere. what's wrong with YOU if you are alone? at twenty, you should go out on dates and share kisses and have boyfriends and always play a game. you don't want to be the one being played, so always keep the upper hand. there is always a game to be played. maybe i just need to grow up a little, maybe i'm just seeing it the wrong way. i want to believe there is nothing wrong with me. and i don't like games. i like honesty, and i honestly want that.

i feel distant from God. it's been maybe two weeks since i've really just sat down and quieted myself before Him. bam, there it is. i feel dry. i want God. i want Him and i know everything else can fail and disappoint me, people i love, things i love, i can disappoint myself, but He will never fail me. it's rough to believe that sometimes. i know He's a lot bigger than we tend to give Him credit for. i want my life to be reverence of Him, celebration of Him, trusting in Him (because no matter how hard i try, i just don't and can't understand Him sometimes).


in the grand words of maria, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when i'm feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad! so here it is, my favorite things. call it counting my blessings...

-the perfect music at the perfect moment
-seeing places i've never seen before
-beautiful, honest conversation
-laughing embarassingly hard and loud
-that look, the look you see in other people when they look at you, and you know you're cared about.
-good cries. the kind that kind of burn your heart.
-stories that kind of... transport you to somewhere greater.
-great outfits you feel absolutely, simply beautiful in.
-the feeling of working really, really hard and accomplishing something.
-brown paper packages tied up with string
-driving around, looking at christmas lights with great music. (my current favorites to light-gaze to include the daylight brigade and hans zimmer's score to "The Holiday")
-cookout tray, burger with everything plus bacon minus pickles, onion rings, fries, and a huge tea. with a banana fudge shake on a good day.
-the spin doctors.
-that jewelry commercial that has landon pigg singing in the background.
-cupcakes and hot tea. specifically the tea that tom makes me at the wired scholar.
-big cities that make you feel so small, yet important for just being there.
-secretly loving trashy reality television shows, and knowing i am NOT alone!
-walking, swimming, yoga, running. just taking initiative of your own body.
-wonderful sitcoms (beverly hills 90210. gilmore girls. f-r-i-e-n-d-s.)
-mix-tapes made especially for certain road trips.
-weight watchers pink lemonade. it is so tasty!
-when things are in a state of order, and clean. i really need to clean right now.
-mutemath live in concert.
-music videos. those little pieces of art.
-warm woolen mittens.


i have a lot of good things in my life. great things.

i know i should be sleeping now

tonight...
i've already written in my journal, you know, the pen and paper one.
i've attempted to chat a little with some of my friends, via phone, email, and so on.
i've painted my nails,
and exhausted every means, i feel like.

i'm just lonely.

i feel like i want more from my life. i want for someone to look on and be able to say "THAT, that is radiance"... or passion, or dedication, or beauty, or humility.
i want it to stand for something so much bigger, so much more than it does now.

i know i want to finish college. it's a miracle i'm here, and a blessing that i have this resource. it just, still, seems so far away. and my insides are itching for something out of the ordinary.

so, i guess i'm going to have to learn how to incorporate the extraordinary into the ordinary.

my goodness, patience!

just one of those nights,
-s

the night the pot head kissed me. yes.

sometimes, things do not happen like we imagine them. when this happens, it's best to laugh.

sometimes it happens worse than you imagined, sometimes better, and sometimes it's just different. whichever way it has happened, i say - find a way to get a chuckle from it!

i seriously am at a point of delirium, what with a total of three hours of sleep last night, the crazy sleeping patterns of the past week, all of the exams, and the extravagant events of the past few days of my humble little life. as i sit here on my last day as an office receptionist this semester, i am looking at my situation from the outside in, and i cannot help but laugh.

of course these things would happen to me! and let me simply say that this happened way differently than i thought it might. i am more and more convinced that one might even be able to write a book about all of the absolutely ridiculous and stupendous things that have happened to me, and someone might even enjoy reading it. you know, i just like to think of the things i've gone through as stories. and the best way i'd like the stories to be told is as if they were satires.

so, needless to say, i'm ready to leave this mountain town for a good little while, and get some real, thorough healing for my heart. to be around my family. to celebrate engagements, and lingerie, friendships, birthdays, and a really great birth day. to remember who i am and who i have been called to be. to grow in strength and humility. to feel grace. to be thankful for the men in my life who act like men and treat me like a lady.

so today, even with three hours of sleep, i turned in my take-home exam, walked around all over campus and king street doing a stupidly long list of to-do's (including picking up a mug i painted for my dad for Christmas, and taking my resume to Gladiola Girls). i said the final goodbye to the sticky situation over lunch, and when i came home - instead of taking a much needed nap before work as i suspected i would - i got the cleaning bug. i wanted to clean every little bit of that apartment, every square inch, and i did. i did in a sleepy stupor. and i can't tell you how excited i am to come home to a clean apartment, a clean start, almost packed bags, and an exclusive special viewing of, none other than, THE HOLIDAY.

i am so ready for the highway tomorrow! God, thank You for never loving me less. my hope, and my ability to laugh, rests in this.

-s

faux-mance

ohhh man.

i'm watching dolly parton sing "i'd like to spend christmas with santa" on CMT. i think it's a movie or something. her hair is so big and i love it!

yes, it's 3:30 and i'm still in my PJ's. i just need a little healing day. i need to go to the market and get some fruit, vegetables, and milk. i need to write a paper and remember that i, samantha whitfield crowder, am a bondservant to someone who won't ever, ever let me go.

there are times that i do things and one part of me is looking on thinking, woah sam! this isn't you. get outta there!

there are so many times i just don't feel strong enough. i want to make things right, and be most true to myself and my God, but i don't want to disappoint anyone. the thing is, i just can't please everyone. it's impossible. i can't be the perfect girl to every guy who is interested. i can't be the movie-script type of person i wish i could be, and the down-right truth is that i make mistakes, all the time. and i can't tell if i'm making one now, and if i am, how to go about fixing it.

i know what type of relationship i want to have with someone. i see those kinds of relationships all around me, and i'm so thankful for that. but it's so hard to believe that i'm going to get it someday, and i don't know if i'm patient enough to wait for it. i've lost a lot of hope over the past few years, my trust has been broken and i've been hurt in ways i didn't know someone could make me hurt. everything is so mixed up right now.

"Smoky Mountain Christmas" is what this movie is! i love dolly so much.

prayers will be appreciated, to those who read this.


three days, and i'll be home :) my Christmas shopping is almost done, and i'm NOT broke! yes!

life and music

"i will find you there, and i will mend your heart" - william fitzsimmons

today, i woke up to the booming sounds of what i though was a truck outside of our window. when i looked out, the morning sky was all kinds of gray, and the trees were being pushed about, helplessly trying to stand their ground. the sound wasn't a truck, it was the wind, huge gusts blowing up against and through the cracks of the windows and door. i loved it.

when i was walking from jazz (last day of jazz ever!) to interdisciplinary praxis (last day of that, too!), i just kept thinking to myself, today... today is especially beautiful. ominous, and dangerous, and passionate, and beautiful. hat, peacoat, extra-long scarf, gloves, long-johns, tea - THIS is the weather i've been waiting for!

i just wish it had snowed, of course.

today i was reading this article i found in an old magazine, and i liked it so much. now, if people will quit quarreling over silly stuff and start praising:

"1. Verbally point out something that someone is doing that you admire or support, every day.
2. Seek out admirable behavior in others that they might not repeat, and compliment them.
3. Make a list of your own wins
4. and give yourself a little pat on the back every chance you might notice, from this moment on."
(Gail Blanke, as seen in real simple, october 2007 issue)


i don't know about the majority of others, but for me... you see, i've had a long run with setting myself up to crazy standards and then feeling absolutely terrible when i can't meet them. i use the standards of others, wanting to be like them. i've felt like God likes me less when i can't do things "right", and likes me more when i do everything just as i wrote in my way-too-perfect-for-real-life list of goals.

and when all is said and done, and i get to the end of the day and i'm just... me.... i feel crummy, and then i feel crummy about feeling crummy. and then i think, "well sam crowder! why do you even matter? just get on with it and love your neighbor. that's what matters."

someone once asked Jesus, "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied to him: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
(matthew 22: 37-38)

the second is like the first and foremost commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself.

well, sam crowder, you can't love your neighbor very well until you love yourself.

this, i know, has been a long run and is on a beautiful (and long, sometimes bumpy) uphill climb to a point where i can live, day to day, moment by moment, freely and content in the grace and pure Love of a King.

__________________________________________________


i did make a gingerbread house today!!! it fell apart, though. i felt like i was on Ace of Cakes. i also went swimming in a heated pool with nancy, and did laps, and other funny things.

with that said, i've been listening to this music so much, and these songs particularly make my heart beat faster...

1. william fitzsimmons - holiday album - "covered in snow"
2. john mayer - "say"
3. hans zimmer - the holiday score - "anything can happen" (but everything is so wonderful on that album.)
4. radiohead - in rainbows - "faust arp" and "weird fishes/arpeggi"
5. iron & wine - the shepherd's dog - "resurrection fern"
6. sufjan stevens - hark! songs for christmas - "angels we have heard on high" (... and everything else too.)
7. vanessa carlton - heroes and theives - "nolita fairytale" and "hands on me"
8. imogen heap - speak for yourself - "just for now" (.... still)
9. nellee hooper - romeo + juliet vol. 2 - "morning breaks"

it's saturday and it's december

currently watching: Season 4, disc 3 of Gilmore Girls. Lorelai and Luke are breaking the bells.


currently wearing: most of my pajamas masked in an outfit because i got ready in ten minutes! carpe diem!


currently wishing: that it would snow so much


favorites of this week-
puppy chow snacks, watching white christmas, pizza with extra sauce, first vanilla steamer ever that i fell in love with, hearing God whisper, Ecclesiastes, poetry kicks, christmas candle, meeting and getting to know great people, making salads, jones soda root beer, gloves, illegally cat-sitting Shakespeare "Shakey" the cat (who is on a diet), and nancy's polka-dotted sheets :)

you know what i just realized? i only have to attend four more classes this semester. four! jazz music, interdisciplinary praxis, astronomy, and literature. and i am sooo done with selling tickets at the info desk.

i am reeeeally looking forward to the next few weeks...it will include all of (but not limited to) the following:

no classes, doing some studying, taking it easy, hanging out with new and old friends, getting some great hours in at the union, sleee-heee-heeeping!, watching lots more friends and gilmore girls, and seeing my beautiful friend who has been living in costa rica finally back in nc for the Christmas season! hallelujah!

and hey. i have successfully made it through my first semester at appalachian state. and i have a big fat smile on my face!