rejoicing ; the long ride home

my nails are long, shaped, and colored in a french manicure, reminding me of the jam-packed weekend i just experienced and am still processing.

this morning, i feel ultimately ill-prepared.

i did not muster up the motivation to prepare myself for bed, but instead crawled in fully clothed with the day's minimal make-up left on my face. my body wants only to recover from the wonderful emotional and physical overload that was this weekend. recover from the 3 hour journey there and back. my skin wants to rest from self-tanner and scented lotions. my hair wants to be left alone after a weekend of curling, teasing, pinning, spraying, and overall frying. i loved everything about it.

so, my body feels like it was just slammed into the ground by a sumo-wrestler, my eyes are all puffy, and my head aches something vicious. i was not prepared for today. i was not prepared to come into work, clock in, and receive my paycheck. i am not prepared for the last three days of class and the reading i have yet to delve into for the final exam on thursday. my mind is still back in the peidmont, remembering nancy's excitement and pure joy as she prepared to meet her husband at the alter. i am still thinking over those people that i love as my own family, seeing their faces. it is still buzzing over dresses and centerpieces and dance moves. for the first time, i really miss living in raleigh for the summer. the air is thicker there, especially at night. i miss the orchestra of crickets and the smell of honeysuckle. i miss being available for those people that i love.

last night, as i was reluctantly driving back to boone, i was talking to God. it's been a little while since i've just spilled about every little detail. i always feel stupid when i do that, because there is this battle between reverence and intimacy, you know? it rings with the battle between the wisdom of this world and faith like a child. i find it in the battle between seeing myself in a "home" life and seeing myself living a life so out of the ordinary. security vs. adventure. comfort vs. risk.

so i spilled and spilled and told God i felt stupid and that i didn't understand how it could be true that He cares about those tiniest little details of my life, and not just mine,

but every human, across cultures, across time, every single one according to their own human experience historically, culturally, geographically....

how can that be true? in the matter of one chapter, He is so big....

Isaiah 40:15
Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

and He is so small...

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

In Isaiah 43, He says even, "I have called you by name, you are mine"






more on all of this later, for sure.
love, sam

borrowed clothing, curly fries

this week is a whirlwind. my mind is a whirlwind.

in my usual fashion, i am attempting to conjure up my writing mode on here before i start my take-home exam. my sister and brother-in-law are taking a nap, and every little part of me wants to be sleeping, too. but if i get this started now, i won't have to bail out later when fun things are going on!

i look like absolute trash, and i'd have it no other way for now. funny, how i've had beauty on the brain so much. there are some moments in life when it is completely unnecessary and probably detrimental if you did look any kind of nice. the first day of your period is one of those days. don't look nice on that day, it is a law. sweat pants, hoodie, pony-tail, and you're set!

so, my goal is that sometime between today and tomorrow i will become super-motivated-awesome-vitamin-taking-working-out-tan-fresh-skin sam! one side of me knows that i have to keep my mind here, doing classwork. the other side of me knows that in a few days, my very best friend is getting married and i just want to be there right now getting prepared and excited with everyone i love so dearly.

my life right now feels like borrowed clothing and curly fries.

today - finish one exam question, read two articles
tomorrow- finish two exam questions, read two articles, pack
thursday - turn in exam, paint nails pink, drive to raleigh, go sunning, airport to welcome heather home!!!!
friday - practice song, bridesmaid lunch, spend-the-nightie
saturday - long-awaited and budgeted manicure and pedicure, sunning, beautifying, rehearsal & dinner
sunday - the biggest party of a wedding ever in history.

i love that God listens to even our most bare, tact-less prayers. what a comfort. that got me through this morning.

i want to research feng shui. i could use a little of that in my life. we learned about daoism this morning in class, and there are so many principles that churn with God's truth, even within that completely different belief system. i remember learning last semester that even the tabernacle was set up in such a way that the door faced open to the east, and everything was set in a particular place for a particular purpose to house the very presence of the Most High. it was a matter dire importance, care, concern, and it is so interesting to me that so many religious systems incorporate a similar matter of placement and order to usher in something bigger than themselves. hm hm hm.

okay, i will make a cup of tea, take an ibuprofen (or two), and get cracking on this exam... maybe or maybe not after i close my eyes a little :)

peace and blessings,
samantha

helpless:night::hopeful:day [a reprieve]

my nails are the color of coral and my skin is a few shades darker than the last time i posted.

i love june!

weddings, summer-colored skin, birthdays, celebrations, fireflies, izze, hot dogs, dresses.
i could go on with that list for a while. i am, and will forever be, a child of summer.

birthday weekend was lovely. from a lingerie shower for my dearest nancy to first drinks with my sister, from playing with little anna to a wonderful cookout party with all kinds of people i love sorely...
it was so good! like, lay-in-bed-about-to-sleep-with-a-goofy-smile good. (yoplait commercials, anyone?)

there's a lot rolling around my head right now. i've got a kitchen full of folded laundry and gifts and bags, needing to be put away. i've got a book on "hinduism and ecology" needing to be read, comprehended (a task completely separate from reading, i will note!!), and made into an hour-friendly understandable presentation by wednesday. work keeps calling asking me to switch shifts (as per usual), i've been sitting on the floor next to my cardboard-box-turned-table for the better half of the evening, and i keep feeding my hunger for real food with leftover funfetti cupcakes. all i really want to do is stay cooped up for the night, deny my responsibilities, curl up and watch a movie. oh man, i am a helpless creature! but i think these moments are essential to my equilibrium, somehow.

__________________________________________________


thank goodness, i have recovered from my helplessness and am well on my way to being productive. sometimes it's as simple as the changing from night to day that can change my reclusiveness to productiveness.

today has been lovely. i slept in way too late and vetoed my shower needs, and somehow pulled off a denim pencil skirt, tee, scarf, and brown heels combo. work was so enjoyable. i met parisa, the high-school web-design helping hand, who i hope stays on board with us as a gladiola girl. her company made the morning so much more bearable and our website is coming along. i continue to praise the Lord for this job.

right now there is an afternoon thunderstorm outside. i can see and hear it from where i sit, perched at the chosen library computer, ready to knock out "hinduism and ecology". the reading is a whole lot more stimulating than i expected, especially since some pop-culture entertainment and nolan's trip have piqued my interest in india. what an exciting place! i quote from a little princess, "the air is hot and thick, you can almost taste it. it's more like spices, really. curry, and saffron." eastern religion yearns and moans with elements of truth, elements that sometimes even our own refined american christian practice lacks.


aaaanyway, enough with all of that!

i really like fashion and beauty. i like helping people pick out an outfit that lays perfectly, and hits all the right places. i love the intention i put into picking an outfit, or in choosing a specific piece that can completely change a whole look, and even a whole attitude. i love styling hair and applying make-up. shopping for toiletries and cosmetics is weirdly and sickly invigorating to me. i feel stupid, really stupid, putting it into words, but i've just been trying to figure it all out lately. what does any of it matter?

is it a connection with, longing for, or obsession with beauty? is it art? is it a love for building relationships, especially amongst girls? i mean, communication opens up WIDE when women beautify together. i learn fears, pasts, hopes, anxieties. where is the purpose in all this? am i feeding a monster that cuts women down, or just enjoying when women look in the mirror and feel pretty? it seems twisted. but something seems redeemable about it all. i just can't figure it out. until then, i will still cut out pictures from lucky magazine of hairstyles i want (yes please to zooey deschanel,this month's cover girl, and her stellar hair), i will strive to improve as a stylist at gladiola girls, and i will still swear by my benetint lip and cheek stain with a fervor.


tonight:
-work on presentation
-gym
-put away laundry
-start thank-you notes on my new stationary ::yess!::
-start new journal, finally.
-pray a dangerous prayer
-don't be a recluse

tomorrow:
-gg
-class
-bank
-budget
-spin & sculpt
-dad's day gift
-date!


it's still raining outside. i'm going to be in the library forever.
love,
sam

dixie cups; coffee beans

[okay, sam, you have fifteen minutes to blog before resuming your essays for sustainability, religion, and spirituality. go!]

seriously, in the time it took me to type that, i've wasted five minutes remembering that i wanted to google "dave ramsey", to email my friend lane from class, and to re-read a poem i wrote consider whether or not it is postable. i am hopeless and my thoughts are everywhere and i have waited until now to start writing my essays. ah, yes!

iced turtle from beansTalk in hand, i have a few things on my heart that i just need to type out in an orderly (or, not so orderly) fashion. this little dixie cup with coffee beans on it is holding the glorious elixir that will help me finish these essays!

so, my dear friend joy is married. i was lucky enough to be a part of the wonderful chaos saturday morning of last weekend, curling hair and spraying ungodly amounts of hairspray and choosing whether "mocha" or "dark chocolate" would match as the eyeshadow for joy and her 'maids. i love everything about it.



on the one hand, i haven't given too much thought to the fact that my friend from high school is married. oh yes, we would talk endlessly about boys together and do homework together and spend hours of time in the theatre getting ready for the spring plays together. she's maybe the fourth or so girlfriend of mine to get married recently, so on this hand i feel like, yes, this is the time in my life that i'll be getting invitations galore in the mail for this shower and that bridal luncheon and this wedding and that wedding, and i'll be budgeting for at least three wedding gifts per wedding season!


on the other hand, my eyes just kind of glaze over when i realize, holy cow, i AM this old! in a few days, i will be 21. (funfetti cake, here i come!!!) that's like, sex and the city old. i feel like i should be drinking martinis every night and having really wise things to say about life and love. 21 can mean so many different things to different people. like, for joy, nancy, laura, and rachel, 21 is the year of marriage. to inStyle magazine, 21 is the precious year that your skin is still youthful, you can wear fitted pencil skirts that hit above the knee, and you can have multiple boyfriends, a killer career, and starbucks every morning. to nancy, 21 means changing from a "brownie" (brown accessory girl) to a "blackie" (black accessory girl), black wallet, purse, and high heels in tow. for many, it is the year of college graduation and business cards with their names in ink.

i have no idea what 21 will be for me. i can be relatively sure that it will not involve marriage, a black wallet, perfect skin, or college graduation. but i am so looking forward to seeing what it brings. a church family, i hope. a renewed sense of possibility for life regardless of the restraints of a tight budget. a childlike faith. discipline to hear, ears to hear what i don't expect, courage to obey what i hear no matter what the cost or doubt is.


today, as i was walking from the bus at raley circle to beansTalk, i realized, it is summer. it is june, and i'm wearing a blue jersey dress UNaccompanied by any sort of cardigan or scarf. i have sun on my skin. there is a braid in my hair sweeping the bangs off of my face and i just finished a book that i read for fun. last night, i ate dinner on the side of a hill overlooking the blue ridge mountains with a boy i respect and admire. and though i am spending a lot of time at work and in class, there is no doubting it any longer...it is sooo summertime, and i love it.


currently reading for school: ecospirit- kearns and keller, main currents in western encironmental thought- hay
currently reading for fun: the total money makeover - dave ramsey
currently missing: television and coastal carolina
recently viewed: a little princess. what a wonderful childhood fave! i cried my eyes out!
current diet: anything i can make a sandwich or wrap out of.
international flavor of the week: india