life, lists, laundry detergent

so, this morning i told myself: sam, just don't blog for two weeks. your blog has gotten lame and remiss, you have other things on your mind right now, few read it, so... take a break. a b-break.

and now, here i am, my second cup of hot green tea in hand, a slice of oreo pie down, a lit candle, my journals, and my planner surrounding me. so i say to myself, how can i not blog? it's the ideal environment for blogging!

every so often i reminisce (surprised i got that spelling right on the first try!) on my blogging. i love to blog. i don't really have a particular goal or end in mind, i just like another outlet of documentation and thoughts. sometimes it's more candid than others, sometimes it's business, other times this little box is another ear to tell ugly and not-so-ugly details to. every year i print off my blogs in chronological (surprised i did not get that spelling right the first try) order, and bind them together. it makes it seem more legitimate, don't you think?

sometimes the blogs are similar to what i write in my paper journals, but they have a different filter to them. and that filter captures different details of my life, details i wouldn't capture otherwise. so, cheers to blogs! cheers to the people i know who read this, cheers to people i don't know who read this, and cheers to the other bloggers out there whose blogs inspire me! inspiration is a powerful thing, my friends.

_________________________________________________

today i had a little photo shoot with michael and juliet of blue kite photography, the lovely bf/gf photography duo. i know juliet from high school, and just met michael today (though i felt like i've known him much longer!) i am so excited about these pictures!! and my fingers are still not thoroughly warmed up! here's a little sneak peak:


michael and juliet used poloaroids, a diana, film cameras, and digitals today. so excited!!! they are truly wonderful and so much fun to be around!

________________________________________________

tonight i have:

- done laundry
- made a pretty solid set list
- filled in this week in the planner
- started a 2010 list of goals, this time... in months! i'll share some goals soon.
- corresponded with some nannying positions that are looking SO hopeful and are exactly what i need time-wise!


my new favorite laundry detergent (well, my only real favorite worth mentioning) is ECOS in "lemongrass" by earth friendly products. the scent is SO wonderful, it is the same price (or less) than regular laundry detergents, and you get the added good feelings about using a product that is without harsh chemicals (chemicals that may be great for cleaning your clothes, but are harsh on your skin and the environment.) here are some reviews by fellow ECOS fanatics!

i was telling my mom today that i'm very rarely a verbally strongly opinionated person. i don't really try to rally people to my side, and often i fall silent in heated discussions about politics, denominations, taxes, movements, et cetera. but i do love having definitive beliefs and opinions. you know how the saying goes, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, or something along those lines. i think the strongest way to share your opinions is to live accordingly, not always through verbal rallying(though sometimes it is absolutely called for!) the idea of "green" is one i really like, and i've had fun trying to live more that way.

anyway, i digress. lame. remiss.

love,
sam

annual christmas post!

“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.”
- t.caldwell

today, i googled "christmas quotes." i knew i wanted to wish my friends and family a merry christmas, but couldn't quite find the best words to say between my love for christmas and my serious case of scrooge. i mean, i'm a regular bah-humbug. i even wrote "i think i hate christmas" in my journal. that is so sad!

i love christmas because of the truth. the truth is Jesus came so we wouldn't have to be alone, ever. we would never have to be separated from him, despite our humanity. that has brought me such peace and refuge today, and in this holiday that really brings up a lot of ugly things in and around me.

i hate christmas because of everything it says it is, but really isn't.
i wish it wasn't so red and green and gold, and old-navy-y and gap-y and sears-y.

i love it for traditions in families, for movies like "the elf" and for freshly baked cookies that you set out, even way beyond your santa-believing years.

i hate it for x boxes. and cheery-competitions. and facebook updates and how displaced i feel in my family sometimes.

i hate it because it always makes me want to feel sorry for myself, and that is not only NOT cute but really disabling.

it makes me think about the fact that i haven't made a christmas list in a lot of years. and that i don't get to ask for anything. and that i know i shouldn't want to ask for anything but i do. i want to ask for things and not feel bad for wanting things. i think the critical distinction here is that i may not have the situational means to ask for any things, that does not mean i cannot hope for meaningful things, things seen and unseen.

i hate christmas because it makes me obsess over money and how me and my parents have less than none, how i won't get to make a christmas list until i have my own family. it makes me see how unappreciative and selfish i can be. i hate it because it lies to me, screaming "you're alone you're alone you're alone! because you don't have what you should today! you don't have warm fuzzy feelings or big ol' gifts with your name on them!" but, though we all know and hear that those things aren't the point, it's pretty difficult to live that out.

sometimes i pray for a better sense of humor so all of this wouldn't be so intense. i know emotions are indicators of real issues going on, so i want to investigate more what all of this is stemming from. i'm tired of telling myself (and having other people telling me) i'm too sensitive or too analytic or too this or that. the fact is i love myself, i love my family, situations aren't ideal, and we learn how to cope with them. and it's all beautiful somehow.


i have so many hopes for this new year that i can't wait to share. and hopes for next christmas. next year will be a year of growth and adventure and success!!



so, really from the bottom of my slightly scrooged heart, i wish you a

happy christmas

today. i pray you can find the beauty in it, however obvious or hidden, and thank the Lord he came, choosing a time when the night was at its darkest, the wind at its coldest, and the world seemingly most indifferent. what hope he brings!!!

focus

i wish i had my glasses with me.

i'm sitting in cup-a-joe in downtown raleigh, my second coffee shop of the day.
i know it's the holidays and the first few days of my being home, and i know that the eating out will slow down. soon i hope.

i have to have a game plan. bfast at home. make meals. part-time job during the internship.

this coffee shop lets its customers smoke inside. i don't really like that, but everything else about this place i like. well, i don't like the mural on the wall per se, not necessarily my taste but i can appreciate it. so, everything besides those things.

_______________________________________________

even post-shower, i smell smoke on me. the scent stained my skin. or my nose hairs.

i think the best feeling ever is a hot shower at night right before bed. there is nothing like clean skin on clean sheets!



my thoughts are scattered and my emotions are scattered and my belongings are scattered but it's okay.
it's all coming into focus.

abominable snow woman

(this is me freshly showered, with wet hair and zero makeup, looking like the abominable snow man ... eating chocchipsnowcream!)

one foot of snow.

christmas lights: on

wool socks: on


today i have...

-gotten legitimately snowed in
-watched people slide up and down the hill to my apartments for entertainment
-finished recording a rough draft of a new song
-edited a video to said new song as a december music update
-this took me from about 11am to 5pm
-forgotten to eat until after all of that
-eaten a grilled cheese and tomato soup after i realized i hadn't eaten yet
-dusted, bleached, swept, mopped, and vacuumed my old room
-FINALLY took a shower!
-used my new acne medicine. (the dermatologist was so handsome! and he saw my volcano zit!!)
-made chocolate chip snow cream. YES!
-watched about 4 romantic comedies on tv while doing all of this, including but not limited to- sleepless in seattle, raising helen, the wedding planner, and you've got mail
-spent way too much time on the computer


i don't know how long i'm going to be stuck here, but i don't mind. people i know and love are in town, and if i need to get out i can at least walk to the bottom of the hill where they can safely pick me up:) i have plenty of food, heat, and underwear.

tomorrow i can:
-walk to walgreens for some exercise
-take pictures with my holga
-throw away all of my accumulated receipts
-finish breaking dawn. yeah i know.
-typewriter write
-read through some of dave ramsey's books
-make a list of goals
-work on my sets for the 1st and 9th gigs
-give myself a mani/pedi
-wrap presents
-watch gilmore girls
-maybe leave boone? maybe??
-not go insane


i just need to make it to raleigh by sunday at noon. i don't wanna miss the annual crowder christmas party (slightly awkward but more heartwarmingly family-like with a potluck of legit southern cookin'... helloooo aunt gwen's coconut gooey cake please!) OR the drummond's christmas party!



bed soon, i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!
love,
sam

NEXT SEMESTER UPDATE!

hello everyone!!

i hope you all have been doing well. i've missed blogging thoughts and updates and distractions lately, but i decided to take a blog hiatus to make sure i got all of my school work done, and done well.

right now i am surrounded with some of my favorite things:
-Real Simple Magazine (december's issue)
-chips and dip (ruffles reduced fat sea salted chips and pet french onion dip!)
-cranberry ginger ale
-a decorated christmas tree :)
-a good movie on the tv
-whitney, being sleepy on the couch
-my missed blog

i am indulging because... DRUM ROLL PLEASE......
i, sam crowder, am going to graduate on Sunday:)

and with that said, i know an update on what i am doing next semester is long overdue.

SO HERE IT IS!

step one:
i'm moving back to raleigh!!

i'm going to be living with my sweet sister keeton and her husband rob in their town home in north raleigh. i am so excited about that. they have an extra bedroom and bathroom that they are generously letting me stay in while i ....

step two:
work in an internship with LIFTED EVENTS.

my internship will last the semester, from january to may, with the amazing founder catherine walker. LIFTED is in partnership with Remember Nhu, a non-profit based out of Ohio that serves to save children out of sex slavery, particularly through their orphanages in southeast asia.

so, in short (if you didn't click the links) LIFTED puts on benefit concerts in the states to raise awareness about human trafficking and funds for Remember Nhu.

catherine and i will be traveling to the R.Nhu orphanages in january for two weeks.
i'm scared.
i'm ill-equipped.
it's okay.
it's going to be incredible.

i'll be helping LIFTED book shows and bands for the events. i'll be the other go-to girl with catherine isn't available. i'll do field work and observations in asia, and use that information to improve the information we provide here in the states about the issue. to connect the dots a little more clearly. i may even by able to speak at some events and play my music...

step three:
make so much music!!!!!!

i can't wait to take the time and energy to compile an EP and go after this dream.
go confidently in the way of your dreams, i think Thoreau said.
so, here i go!

if you'd like to keep up more with my music projects, i have a special blog for that!
samantha sound

and, of course, i have to give myself a prospective date of EP arrival so... watch out for april.

step four:
save money. keep dreaming big. enjoy life to fully... "suck all the marrow out of life."
pray over the following summer and fall, where i will be, why i will be there. nashville?
lots of praying.
go to coffee shops. use up their free wifi.
i really want to get better at my domestic skills.
spend time with family and friends.
connect.

i am so excited, and i can finally LET myself indulge in the excitement!

p.s. i am going to miss the mountains.

thesis-writing break again

www.greenweddingshoes.com

i can't wait to get married.

wait, scratch that!

i can't wait to fall in love.

i mean, i can wait. i will wait.

but reading the green wedding shoes blog makes it kinda hard. also, watching "Say Yes to the Dress" doesn't help!! pair the two together, and bada-bing... two sam posts in a day!

all i can say is i want to throw one awesome party with my man. holla!!

a great pair of heels makes me go from frumpy to fab: a break from thesis-writing

"but sam, you're already tall!"

well then i'll just be an amazon!! i wear heels because it makes my proportions all right.

the fluff in my middle turns to workable curves in all the right places, or at least it does in my head :)

my obsession has been the little black boot, and i'm on the prowl.

take a look at these beauts! only $23 at gojane.com



and these, too!! only $19



these are the kind of heels that scare you away. but do not get scared! they don't seem practical or wearable, just something you see in advertisements. try them on and you'll see... it makes a LOT more sense with the right styling! they are totally wearable and a fun piece to play around.

the key to styling these is to keep it simple! a nice pair of skinny leg, mid-to-dark wash jeans and a barely-fitted v-neck tee will do the trick!!

think these items: jeans, loose tank, and bootie trio would look amazing. (substitute black bootie from above in place of these skyscraper heels)

(courtesy of whowhatwear.com)

or this jean, vee, bootie trio!

(courtesy of whowhatwear.com)

my goal is to find something like these in the same price range before the show tomorrow night. impossible? hopefully not. i didn't want to venture into the black friday craziness today, and i've been holed-up in my parents house writing my senior thesis. hopefully they'll still have good sales tomorrow and things won't be horribly picked-through!

ah yes, that's it... my reward for finishing my research paper is a saturday morning shopping outing. wish me luck (on the thesis and the shopping :)

t-giving was great, update on next semester to come!

tuesdays

my morning has consisted of:

losing my app card, and then taking the most beaaaautiful back road to get to the appcard office to activate an old card.

parking by melanie's and the nice walk up west king street.

an impromptu stop at daylight donuts for my FAVORITE blueberry donut!

hot "wild sweet orange" tea from the scholar, which is playing new norah jones.

SUN.

my nerdy glasses.

getting excited about raleigh, even though i'll be doing homework most of the time.

seeing my little nuggets - ryry, anna, and dash!

okay, class time. go go gadget brain.

exposure at length, take one

for a short moment tonight i thought to myself, while looking in the mirror (and seeing the effects of this semester in my hips and midriff), "just decide to be anorexic. people love that control. you could totally do it." and then i pictured God smiling. i love food.

and then i thought, that probably everyone has had thoughts like that. just like suicide, it's not such a stranger in our heads. sure, it's thought of in varying degrees, depending on the person. it's not a stranger in my head. just an awkward acquaintance.

let's be honest. i think depression worsens itself when (and because) we feel like we can't, we shouldn't, talk about it. i'm suffering from a chain of depression now. and it's okay. i'm in a season where a lot of things in my life trigger it.

i have dire thoughts when i feel dire and my feelings are affected by the [many] things going on. i don't want to disappoint, worry, or freak out people if they ask "how are you?" and i say the simple, not-really-all-that-scary truth. and let's get real, we suck at convincing each other we're okay.

i'm a bad liar when it comes to that, but we can't very well say "i'm depressed." it's a lone affliction. we suffer in silence by its nature.

but i write this to say this is actually how it is. this is honest. honesty is often the most uncomfortable luxury and commodity of our society.

and i'm here to say i do not wish to expose this state in brief, to be followed by an eloquent paragraph of re-cover. this is not a flash, nor a streak. this is pulling off the robe, exposure at length, so one might inspect the details and artfully work at their rendering of what is there.

i am afflicted, but i survive. is this how it should be? i do not know. do we choose depression, or does it choose us?

i survive not by me, but by grace. i do not understand the finer details of this, but i understand that there is nothing i go through truly alone. there is no feeling i have which he does not comprehend, no feeling he wishes to pass over quickly with me.

i wallow in low points, and at the time they seem irreversible. but, i carry on. these points are not, nor have they ever been, my demise. some might even say the greater you struggle, the stronger you become. i can't say that i'm very strong. in fact, i think i'm a big baby most of the time; the first person to feel sorry for me is me. but i live with me, so i have to carry on.

___________

after i wrote this, i read mark, chapter one. i had a lot of questions. but mostly, i was touched by the short verses about Christ in the wilderness. After Jesus' baptism,

"The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. And he was with the wild animals, and the angels were ministering to him." English Standard Version

in the wilderness, alone, for forty days. over a month in complete solitude, in the elements of nature, not just being tempted by evil in general but Satan himself. it is not too outlandish to think that perhaps Christ knows depression first-hand.

and the part that struck me the most - and the angels were ministering to him.

so i prayed for that last night.

promise

at the beginning of time the good Lord knew that today, at precisely 10:27am, sam crowder would walk the small brick lot from the bookstore to the coffee shop and, after days of rain and gray, (after a night of fitful sleep and rock bottom-ness), He would shine a few brief moments of sunshine right there and say, "hi."

thanks LC, thanks kipling.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

.....

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!



photo cred: my polaroid blog

the one-hundred and seventieth post

i've been volunteering at this school 45 minutes away, nestled in the mountains, far away from anything "bustling". the school is for kids who have grown up in abusive and dangerous family situations, and instead of living in foster care, they live in "group housing" at the school. they're called cabins, and each one has RCs, resident counselors. these RC's act as families to the children, and from what i could observe, created a wonderful atmosphere to live in.

aaaanyway, all of that to say, there are a lot of behavioral / learning disorders, and since all of the kids are concentrated together in all the areas of their life, sometimes things get crazy. so the staff has developed these really great mechanisms at control.

they make each kid, and likewise each staff member (teachers, RCs, even the principal) aware of his or her "triggers" to anger, sadness, depression, etc. and then they make each kid and staff member develop a "SAFETY PLAN", which is a set of 5 steps to do when the you feel triggers. these steps are things you enjoy personally, that you know will calm you down. they write their safety plan on the back of their nametag, which everyone on the campus has.

and it got me thinkin, i should do that! so, here goes.

triggers:

stress

busy-ness

staying up past midnight

boy situations


safety plan!

take a short minute to intentionally talk to the Lord, not just in-head discourse

take a walk outside

listen to nice music on my iPod

take a quick nap

talk to a friend

dream 11.10

since i left my little black reporter moleskine (which i keep records of dreams in) at crossnore last friday and won't see it until tomorrow, this will have to suffice.

i had a dream that i was on vacation with my boyfriend (who was at first a realistic person to be dream dating but morphed into mat kearney, hahaha) and with a bunch of our family/friends...

and our older lady family friend was all "i bought you tickets to that MEGAmore show!!!"

she meant to say paramore but she was older, you know.

and boyfriend and i exchanged glances and we were like, "oh my gosh! they're on tour with mute math and PAT BENETAR! yesssss!!!!!"

so we went to the show and guess who the opening act was?

marilyn manson.

and as soon as he came out i yelled "YEAH MARILYN MANSON!" really excitedly! because he's kind of a music icon you know? but i realized i was only 1 of about 3 people in the crowd cheering and the rest were booing. and i felt so bad for him that i said "MARILYN you do what you do WELL!" and he looked at me with this piercing look of thankfulness and realization that his days were over. we just looked at each other for a long few seconds and i pitied him so much. and then i kissed my boyfriend mk on the cheek.


zach, it was all those seasoned fries i ate last night.

music? music!

to keep up with my music goings-on

i started a new blog! on a new blog site.

wordpress.

ah!

here it is.

samanthasound.wordpress.com


i hope you like it! i do.

sometimes i watch party in the usa for fun.

sometimes i can't wait for tomorrow.

sometimes i think i would get a nose job.

and since we're being honest here, sometimes i want to move to nashville
to make music and fall in love.

there. i said it.

how to have a bad day.

get two shots, one in each arm.

make sure to have to wait at the infirmary for 2 hours, missing both classes of the day.

get your car towed.

be late to work because of the aforementioned,

and then make sure to work dining room, thoroughly using
both of your sore noodle arms.

the end!

nonsensical

i had a really wonderful sunday.

i went to blowing rock and settled in at this ↑ coffee shop. there was good coffee, a good muffin, good baristas, funny locals, funny tourists, a fireplace, frosty windows, and a good book.

shopping, made a great dinner, arranged, and had a good practice with ear candy.


i'm getting really close to graduating...


!!!!!!

i.....
finished season 2 of gilmore girls, again.
finished reading eclipse.
picked "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" where i left off and am loving it.
am enjoying cooking.
am enjoying people bundling up.
am dreaming the craziest dreams lately (eisley, mat kearney, new york penthouses with elevators that come up out of the floor...)
am writing so many lyrics.
more on that later.

i pray that there will be one good fat snow before i leave this town.

buuuuughhh

i think i'm depressed cause all i wanna do is eat grilled cheese sandwiches and chili aaalllll daaaay looooong

and i look every day in the mail for a $200 check that is not there cause i don't have enough time to work more at the chicky chick

and my face looks like a pep pizza

i think i am so stressed i'm 'pressed.

i should just get up earlier and stop reading until 3am.
problem solved. in my head.

i need to wash all the dishes.
do laundry.
tidy up a little bit.

work tonight.

find black mary janes for my costume
and dark lipstick
so i can look like this:


except a little less creepy.

look for my passport

clean out the fridge

arrange the last bit of "wait it out"

new

i love transitional seasons. they have always been my favorite.

spring, fall. cherry blossoms, falling leaves. something changing to come to life, and something changing to go to sleep for a while. and the changing process is so beautiful to watch and be a part of.

certain things are finally going to sleep in me that have been tired for so long, things i've tried to keep awake for just a moment longer.

and certain things are getting ready to come to life! color, warmth, life, joy

i'm so excited to be finding out who God sees me to be by finding out God.
not to say that God is the means by which I find the end, myself.
but that it's a beautiful process. I want to become intertwined with Christ.

the more i know him, the more i love him, the more i'm changed. the more i discover him, the more i trust him, the more i believe and become the things he says i am. the more i know him, the more i want to know him, the more i want him in everything.

hey!

these are things i'm happy about

my room being clean
my laundry being done
my hair being curly
a car full of awesome girls on their way to pick me up and take me to the beach RIGHT NOW
new songs coming



these are things i'm looking forward to

spending some quality time in the Lord's presence this weekend at emerald isle
working with crossnore school again next friday
hopefully going to raleigh next weekend
halloween costume show with michael alvarado
nashville!!! for mike's showcase

lastsemester gettin it DONE!

past midnight, freezing, update, synapse

my nose is all sniffly and i can't wait to get it bed and read a few chapters of a good book.

i've been arranging for the past hour or so for ear candy. "wait it out" - imogen heap

alto II is all done! half of sop I is done. it's easier to start with the highest and lowest and then fill in. i feel very accomplished tonight.

no work again until friday.
and then a freeee saturday!!!
and then a wedding on sunday, where i get to dress up in my fabulous betsy johnson dress!

karis is coming wednesday to camp out on the couch.

i get to go to the fair soon with someone who is quickly becoming one of my closest friends.
funnelcakebloominonionfriedcandybarssaltandpeppershakerthezipper!!!!

i am working on a new song of my own.
i can't wait to record.
yes, record.
no more crappy garageband singles.
an actual recording.
pray pray pray that this happens!!

i miss jessica lyndon ray.

i am going on the beach retreat with new life for fall break!!
what a much needed time spiritually and relationally.

i miss my sisters.
sisters, if you are reading this,
know that i miss you and i want to spend time with you
and i'm so looking forward to next semester when i'll be in raleigh with you
and your fams.
true story.

next semester update to come!
it's exciting.

call mrs.pepple, sam.

mist

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"

James 4: 13-15

Live abundantly in today.

back in the game!

welcome back, sam!

yes, i have been out of sorts and out of commission for about a week now, replacing my daily times in the library with afternoons camped out on my couch, consuming cocktails of wal-phed, theraflu, and various vitamin c supplements.

but i am BACK! with both nostrils free for breathing, a cup of coffee, and a mini-mountain of work i'm kind of really behind on.

i may not be at 100%, but a functioning 80% is all i need to spend from now until 8:00 in the library, on my favorite row of computers, with approximately 10 tabs open to satisfy my attention deficit disorder. i shiver at the sound of a sneeze or cough, knowing that my beloved library is a breeding ground for H1N1 and all kinds of viruses and grossnesses. but i'm hoping that whatever i just had made my immune system Schwarzenegger strong.

:::this just in:::
the kid sitting beside me is listening to the West Side Story soundtrack suuuuper loud on his iPod and it's making me really happy. brings back good memories.

i have been learning...
always enjoy the Lord's presence first. focus on that, and peace will overflow into your relationships and activities.


some things i want to do...
i want to take some autumn pictures.
i want to be better at taking film photos.
i want to wake up early again instead of being in a sick stupor.
i want to work super hard on my school work.
maybe i should stop procrastinating.

listening to:
ray lamontagne pandora


reading:
hehehehe
new moon
don't judge!

some things i'm struggling with...
feeling like so many parts of my life are conflicting with each other in time and causing me to not give my best. i've been praying about this a lot, if there's something i should give up or put on hold.
either way i feel like i'm disappointing someone.
hm.
still praying about it.

okay, here i go! past the point of no return! or, as we say in astronomy, the "event horizon"
hahaha

i am sleepy and sickly

but it is o-kay!

tomorrow morning i seriously need to sit down and take time to knock out some school work. first i didn't have a computer for a while, so i had to do all of my work on campus. and then i started borrowing a computer and now our internet at the apartment is out, again leading me to campus. but i've been sickly so yesterday i said NO! to campus after my classes and just went home. i watched TV in my sweatpants. i fell asleep on the couch at 9. i cleaned out the refrigerator. i did not do homework.

also, i pledge to not drive my car long distances for at least a month. she's tired.

today it is so fall-y in boone. i'm celebrating with a pumpkin vanilla chai and my nerd glasses.

tonight i'm goin on a date. i might have to bring tissues with me.

open my mouth and this comes out:

the leaves are changing

i have good new music:



Jess Ray & The Rag Tag Army




i'm so proud of my friends. this music is beautiful and moving. it pierces right to the heart of the matter.


i bought some autumn scented tea lights and made a 45 vinyl dish to hold one.

i'm planning a 10 day trip in my head, cabin involved.


my head looks something like this:
scrambled eggs
Jesus is so good
letting go
i don't want to work at cfa this week but i need to make money and make a big girl purchase, hmmm
thailand
graduation application
letting myself be open and vulnerable
cambodia
raleigh
blowing rock with leaves and ipod and cider
flannel
homework
singing singing singing songs songs songs
i want to write so many more songs

a more eloquent post to follow.

rearrange

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).

i needed to hear just that this morning.

sometimes i can be mean, out of line, angry, irritable, stupid, rash, wrong.
the list goes on and on.
praise GOD he loved us first so we could know what it even looks like.

we just can't do it by ourselves.

post week one :: update

iii loooooveee egggg sallaaaaadddddd

week one - done!

there is much to be done, even still. meetings, practices, planning, classes, papers, homework, friends, singing. instead of bracing myself this time, though, i've decided to take a different mental approach.

go after it.

each and every one of those things, i am trying to attack with abandon. give it not only sweat, blood, and tears, but heart. people are reluctant to give their hearts because, if they get hurt, it takes the longest to heal from. well i say, TALLY-HO! i go after you details of my last semester!

in other news, my powerbook G4 via '05 is on it's last leg of life.

time to budget the monies.

i was reading today about the value of just taking time in the Lord's presence before going about your duties and lists of to-do's. i am horrible at this. the Lord knows that about me, and the funny thing is, when i do take that time to just rest before trudging through the deeper waters of daily life, he makes those few moments with him that much sweeter. you'd think that time would make you more anxious or stressed out because of the time you're "wasting". so wrong. when we actively seek to spend time with the Lord, surrendering to Him all the details and giving him full control over what we can't control (but always try to), He blesses. my God is so good.

it also said "get rid of the needless activities in your life that drain your energy."

it's really interesting to mull over that, and to see how many things i think are important, how many things i do every day,

things i think are fun and worthwhile

are really needless. and drain so much energy.




okay, time to get ready for the music on the mountaintop gig (with Mike) i have to sing a new solo. so nerbous. wait. no.

TALLY-HO!

the last first day post

this is it!

tomorrow is my last first day of official college classes!
(next semester i'll still be an app "student", but i'll be interning elsewhere! woah! i'll fill you in soon about my plans. it's going to be exciting!)

my notebooks are decorated
my schedule is neatly (or not-so-neatly) filled
my classroom numbers are copied so i don't end up in the wrong place
my meal plan is ready to go!

now i just need to:

get my books
buy some groceries
do my laundry
make a list of semester goals
and spend some good, solid time in the Lord's presence.

i hope everyone's beginning of the scholastic year (whether you're in school or not) is going well!

let's get out of this country

"what does this city have to offer me?
everyone else sayin it's the bees knees..."

time to make the most of boone while i'm here!
(which is hard when my mind is in asia, europe, the middle east, the netherlands, africa, south america.....)

i really do think boone is the bees knees, though.
(time to make a master list of things to do here...
melanies
dragonfly
bistro roca
reids
camping
floating down rivers
et cetera)

i need some new luggage.

post 150

watching: gigantic
wearing: sweatpants, wool socks, hoodie
excited about: sleeping, my new strawberry jam from the farmer's market, gig on saturday and raleigh sunday to help nancy with the bridal show
eating: the frozen leftover ice dream from my shift

i am tired.

today i rode my bike all around the greenway.
it was beautiful, but a bug flew up my right nostril.

before that i worked for 8 hours.
i was tired at work today.
but i got to work the drive-thru window. my favorite!

my nails are red and i didn't mess them up. amen.

there's a bump on the back of my throat i keep confusing as food when i swallow and maneuver the "food" doesn't go away. annoying.

one of my favorite things in the world is holding hands. saving the hand-holds up for one guy.

if i could be in any play, it would be Annie. i'd wanna be miss hannigan, or grace, or pepper. gosh what a good movie!

1 peter is amazing.

tomorrow is pay day.

i want a hug. big and fat.

i just had a mini-freakout regarding the fact that i think i have my life in control and i never do. my life is a string of trust and grace. trust. grace. trust. grace.

observations of a fast food employee

.


i've worked full time at chick-fil-a for about three weeks now. there are so many things i love about working at CFA of boone, and it's mostly due to the really fun, down-to-earth people i work with. they make the hours go by fast and make sure to encourage and support one another. we give amazing service and i'm happy to be a part of that.

another main link in why i'm enjoying this job so much is that i get to deal with SO many people on a daily basis. in an eight hour shift, i see, interact with, and observe the details of all kinds of people. the CFA of boone is such an interesting location, too, being one of the only CFA's in a 30-mile radius, in the heart of the high country. it makes the restaurant a definite melting pot of everyone from the deep-wood country folk of appalachia (i've seen the amish in CFA, people) and fast-paced city slickers traveling from big towns, just passing through to see the beautiful blue-ridge mountains.

aaanyway, enough anthro blabber.

i decided in the past few days that i should make a mental list of all the things about customers that are extremely interesting to me, that make me giggle, and that irritate me to no end. i hope you enjoy.


1. return to third grade.

it is astounding to me how many adults have no manners whatsoever.

"gimme that number one"... "i need a value-sized number 5".... "i want a chicken filet sandwich no pickles plus provalone and bacon" ....these are the three most common wordings used to place orders at CFA. most are said so quick that they start to blur together undetected until the one wonderful customer that steps up and, to my surprise and refreshment says "may i have?" or "i would like". oh my goodness. it is SO nice to hear that amongst the stressed out demands of the common fast food customer. of course, i care about words more than the average person, but i'm sure this little change of syntax wouldn't go unnoticed to any of my other co-workers.

"may i" might have been an annoying phrase to learn in 3rd grade (when you'd ask "can i go to the bathroom" and your teacher would reply, "i don't know, can you?" and you'd stare in bewilderment until realizing the magic polite words that would grant you your request) but those magic words still go for today, and makes the fast-food employee pleased to serve you your food.


2. the many uses of the word "please"

this is hilarious to me! i have noticed that a fair amount of customers don't really mean please when they say please. observe it in this context (which is a scenario i live many times a day, every day)

:a family of a mother, father, and three young children walk up to the counter. the mother looks stressed out and the father looks pissed to be there all together. the children are jumping around, screaming "ICE CREAM" or "i want a brownie!!!"
:in hopes to lighten their load, i attempt eye contact, and when i can catch them, i offer kind smiles. i approach the dialogue with the most amount of politeness and help as i can.

"how are yall doin today?" smile. eye contact attempt.
"gimme the number one, uh...."
"what would you like to drink with that, ma'am?"
"uhhh.... a diet" (this conundrum will be discussed in number 3)
"a diet coke?"
"uh please."
"okay, and what else for you today?" smile. eye contact attempt.
:at her children, who are much to young to really make any great decisions on what to get from a fast food place:
"what do yall want? maddie! stop that! what do you want, nuggets or strips???"
:after much bickering and failed attempts at group child control:
"just gimme two kids meals and uhhh... hi-c's"
"would you like the six count kids meals?"
"uh please."

this particular use of please, used many times per day by many different customers of varying situations, drips with disdain, as if they hated that i presented them with the clarification of their own orders. i don't know what would make it better, because we know it's not the word, it's the use, the attitude. maybe a "yes" before the please would help. i don't know how but it does.


3. the conundrum of the universal "diet" i never knew.

more customers than i could ever explain know a secret code about the word "diet".

"what would you like to drink with that number two, ma'am?"
"diet"
"....." waiting for further clarification
"a diet"
"(well maybe you shouldn't be eating here then?)"

i realize, now, it is a way of saying, "i don't know if you have coke or pepsi, so i will say diet so you give me whatever you have" well, customers, welcome to the age of way-too-many-choices. we've got diet dr. pepper, diet lemonade, diet caffeine free coke, not to mention the whole world of diet drinks that are out there beyond the doors of CFA. which one would you like? abbreviation of "diet coke" to "diet" = not necessary. but i don't mind asking you to specify. that's my job, after all. and i'll do it smiling the whole way!


4. the many many hilarious faces and quirks i have seen and have visibly tried to disguise giggling at

- oogling at the menu board, mouth draped open and brow in a furrow. best seen in groups.

-specification of wants to a tee. also known as the "persnickety customer"
(sweet tea no ice extra lemon half and half with unsweet tea. this HAPPENS, every day. kid you not.)

-making a scene when "i SWEAR the small cup of ice dream has been bigger every single other time i've ordered it!" or "my ice dream cone was hollow in the middle." there is no shortage of pissy-ness, the same amount as if they had found a little black curly hair in the fries, or if they had just lost $100. i'm sorry. you just paid $1.27 for an ice cream cone. it's a dollor. it's ice cream. it's fast food, not to mention chick-fil-a, the cleanest, friendliest, most attentive service of any other fast food place. if you're going to complain, which you have every right to, at least do it with class. m'kay.

- the many "i'm not sure" sounds i hear. these are HILARIOUS! i wish i could just film them and then make a short of the many "i'm not sure" faces and sounds, back to back. it would be the perfect depiction of my day. the best one was the lip-trill. yes, he wasn't sure, he blew his lips together in the pulsating, spit-flying lip-trill of choir warmup days of years past. hilare.


okay, that's enough for now. i love my job. i love people. i love to observe people and the sheer america i see day in and day out. we're funny. we're loud, we're demanding, and we're absolutely ridiculous.

so i urge you! go make a fast food employee's day! may i, you ask? yes please!

i've been praying before my shifts, that the Spirit would allow me to see individual people, and to bless my speech, even though it's just taking orders and giving them their food. it's fun, and needed (so i don't lose my patience with people who are just downright mean and/or rude.) there are days that i don't feel it at all. it astounds me how, even in those days where i'm just going about my job, the Lord annoints, blesses, and people are touched. i am making a nice, albeit small, collection of remarks from customers. "you blessed me", or "young lady, if you keep smiling like that you're going to make it far." hey. testify: not me.

gift

man i'm loving this.

it may be 50% hormones or 60% it the fact that it's summer or 70% of it that i'm sleepy and 90% of it that i'm listening to particularly good music right this very moment or that i'm reading a good book or

mostly because i get stupidly inspired at the most random details

but i'm just loving this.
i think about so many things and about where the Lord has traveled with me in the past few years.
and how i'm exactly where i want to be.
sometimes i miss people, and things, and places, but it makes this moment so much sweeter, knowing i should suck all the marrow out of it so i don't miss it so bad later.
i have one more semester of traditional schooling.
i'm on the brink of doing the very things i am passionate about, the things that i pour over and work at, claw at, stare at and mull over and still love to do, and getting compensated for it.
i don't know details and, hallelujah, i don't even have to.

and this solid lump develops in my throat, just behind the jugular at the base of the tongue, and i feel like if i open my mouth the only thing that would come out are cries and praise and music notes.

my feet hurt, and my hips and back. i feel like an old woman and all i want to do is not have any makeup on and wear sweat pants and read and eat grits.
but i told my friend how many hours i've worked this week and they said, "now that's a woman!" and it made me feel good about myself.

i also got nailpolish as a gift yesterday.
i love getting gifts of things i don't need and wouldn't buy for myself but i totally want.

middle of the night

if these thoughts seem ridiculous, it's because it's the middle of the night.

my stomach hurts. i should swear off of cookout for a while.
i'm still doing good swearing off of bojangles.
and of course, mcdonald's.
and if i just keep picking them off, i'll never eat fast food again!
which is good, because today i read this article about 9 surprising diabetes risks, and eating fast food frequently is one of them. uh-oh. we are a fast food culture! no wonder 24 million americans suffer from diabetes. that and other reasons, of course, but our food habits and ignorances aren't helping. i just don't want to amputate my foot when i'm 60. i don't want my kids to see that.
it's just... i love you cheap tastiness of cookout... but you make my stomach hurt... and amputations...

here's the article, it's interesting.

if i had sooo much money, i'd eat at our daily bread whenever i wanted.
and i'd take my friends there and tell them to get whatever they wanted.
and i'd try to live a very green lifestyle because i believe in that movement, and i just like it. it makes sense, it's pretty, and it's responsible. and it's not hard to change.

it's thundering so loud and my window is open and i love it.
and i'm 22 and still kind of scared of it.
true life, i'm a storm weenie.

i am making this resume for engagement in my head lately
there's a lot of stuff on the list.
like that i want to feed my kids real food
and cook
and i want a garden with flowers and fruits and vegetables
and maybe a bee hive for honey
and i'd make such a fun wife
and a devoted one, etc etc
i'd sing you songs
i make my bed
i want to have a wedding my husband will like just as much as i do
etc etc etc
i just want someone to walk with God with me. oh-kay.
i could write you little verses and prayers and reminders and hide them on index cards folded in your pants pockets so when you go to work, you'd find it.
i make very good pb&j's
and i want to do all the things we want to do and not just say it but do it and chronicle it in pictures and writing
we could budget our money together
and buy groceries at whole foods or trader joe's or earth fare or somewhere annoying like that because our food budget would be big.

that is what my resume for engagement looks like, a little of it.

i'd like someone who'll think i'm pretty even when i'm flossing my teeth.
and will love me when i'm bloated or irritable or wrong.
i want him to feel like he's done better than he deserves, and i want to feel like i've done better than i deserve.

it's just really hard to be pretty when you're flossing so i'd really know it's love that way.


i had some ca-rayzee dreams last night.

i was accused of stealing from cabinets at my friend's rich fiancee's house and their family kicked me out, and there was lots of yelling, because i just looked in their cabinets because i was curious.

and then as i was walking away from the house the fiancee came up to me on his motorcycle and picked me up and drove me to my house because he knew i was innocent. it was a really memorable and beautiful gesture in the dream, he just... drove up really fast and kind of skidded to a stop in front of me and opened up his hand to help me up without saying anything.

and when i got there, to my house (which in my dream was our old house), i was laying in the first floor bathroom watching a kangaroo eating grubs off of our dock (that we don't have) and hoping my dad wouldn't see me. he was walking around with maggie on the 2nd floor... it was a deck-type balcony on the 2nd floor. weird.

and i was still invited to the rehearsal dinner of my friend and her fiancee. and it was at this really fancy grocery store and i was there with my mom and we didn't feel wanted there by anyone except said friend and fiancee, and there were all these crackers. and we didn't know if we could eat the crackers because they were part of the dinner or if they were just in the grocery store.

and then i was about to get married. i was all dressed and ready to go.
and i kept thinking, oh my gosh, i know i don't want to marry this guy but i don't want to call him and tell him and hurt his feelings.
so i just knew i was going to walk down the aisle and just... run away when i got up there. and then i was sad because i never want to be a runaway bride. i want to be a happy bride.

there was a lot more but those are the main parts i remember. i'm not even sick or taking medicine or anything. those are just pure, 100% healthy sam dreams. haha!

back in boone

i am so glad to be in boone right now.

i got a job! hello chick-fil-a!!
i can't wait to get consistent paychecks and to be able to budget money... because i'll actually have money to budget. hallelujah.

i am elated i get to go to the farmer's market on saturday. i've missed it and i have some 120 film rearing and ready to go.

the Lord loves to show His provision in situations that seem helpless. and i love it when He does because i can't doubt who did it.

blog, i officially introduce you to my roommate, whitney foreman:



she is adorable and i'm so glad it worked out for us to live together!

i need to paint my nails
i need to work out because i've been neglecting it
i NEED to see harry potter for obvious reasons
i need to get my hands on the twilight books. yes.

if your name is jessica jenkins i need to see you. that is all.

i think i'm a little bit, little bit

i love seeing the people i love so happy. it makes me so happy.

i love getting weepy and giddy and it being 100% unforced and uninhibited.

i love being around people that know me the best, laughing (really loud), crying (with ugly cry faces), praying (worship in spirit and truth), dancing (like total idiots), talking (we don't have to say much to know what we mean, so it's those words punctuated by glances where you know that i know and i know that you know). it makes me feel like the richest most beautiful woman alive.

i love having those moments where you feel like you could literally see what you see out of your own eyes in a movie.

sometimes it just hits me like a punch to the chest,

i am so blessed.

everything that is good is from the Lord!


heather nicole, you're getting married tomorrow to a wonderful man who loves you well. and i couldn't be happier for you!

1 2 3 4

is it more selfish to be single all the time or be in a relationship all the time?

i was listening to this christian talk radio and they were saying how, the longer you stay single, the more opportunities for selfishness you have, and the more selfish you inevitably become, the less eligible you become for a successful marriage.

more cheetos, please.

it's 2 am and i'm nowhere near being super sleepy.

i watched idle hands (semi-scary, regret that)
i watched tombstone (awesome, semi-scary again)
i ate cheetos
i tried on bridesmaids high-heels-of-death (very cute though, all in the name of beauty)
i kept them on and then played my guitar in front of my reflection in my bookcase door window thing
tried to write a song
tried to clean up and failed so i'm leaving it for tomorrow
made a master list of things to do before i go back to raleigh in a few days

i haven't slept in my bed my bed in SO long, i'm too excited to sleep in it! maybe i should take a tylenol pm. i want such good sleep and i haven't had that in a while.


i wish i had a wall made of whiteboard so i could write lists and lyrics all day and always be able to see them, but erase them in an instant. this idea was recently on teen cribs, circa MTV, but i thought of it before i saw it. ask austin, i told him like 3 weeks ago.

this is the update

i'm sitting at my parents new(er) home in midtown raleigh. it is such an unfortunate situation that has brought them here, but totally within the Lord's providence and i really like this little place. although taylor swift's new music video did not come on vh1 as i had hoped, abc family is now playing the pilot episode of gilmore girls and i am happy, sitting in my PJ's and letting my life kind of swirl down to a stop around me.

friday june 26 - wednesday july 1

nancy and i drove down to raleigh for one of heather's bridal showers. i stayed a few extra days to get my bearings straight around the new house. dad and i walked to the farmer's market at north hills, which was really nice. i got to spend time with friends i haven't seen in a while, and just spend time in raleigh i haven't been able to spend. although this whole "not really having a steady job" thing is scary and stressful, i am really thankful for this time i've had to do things i haven't been able to do in a few years, like come home and stay home.

wednesday july 1 - thursday july 2

dad drove me back up to boone. we went out for dinner, and i did laundry to pack for nashville. thursday, on the way to nashville with jon dailey and his wonderful mom, i got the official "sam, i want to live with you!" text from the adorable whitney forman! what an answer to prayer.

thursday july 2 - sunday july 5

nashville. block party. brianne and her crazy antics. ian and laura. dutch blitz! mas tacos. red door. finding five points. 4th of july grill out. fido.

sunday july 5 (later)- wednesday july 8

lake gaston at dan's lake house. i love lake gaston. P90X. twilight. night cruise. breakfast feast. tubing. michael jackson. tan lines. waking up and not putting on any make-up or regular clothes... just a swim suit.

and now i'm in raleigh until tomorrow night. and then i'm coming back to raleigh next week for heather's wedding.
sheesh.

me sueño

last night i had a dream that i thought i had read a huge chunk of the Bible. from my dream point of view i saw that i opened up in the Old Testament and then i realized that i was already in Matthew. and i couldn't decide if i had read everything in between or not. but i felt very triumphant. reading the Bible consistently has always been hard for me, such a daunting task, such a delicate balance between reverence of the past, taking history and culture and writing styles and languages into context, and applying those spiritual themes presented to a new time, culture, and language. applying it to me.

and then i dreamed (or dreamt, whichever you prefer) that some girl i know, i don't remember who, became really successful at what she was doing. and i wanted to tell her because she didn't realize it.

i wish i could remember!!

i love good dream nights.



i keep getting more and more ideas for songs. i wish i had an upright piano in my apartment! since my guitar is there, i always pick it up and start writing, but i'm definitely not as skilled on guitar as i am on the piano. neither are extremely comfortable for me to play in front of people, but i'm working on that.

because when i see a stage, and i see someone doing what they do well on that stage, it's like fireworks go off...
synapses go crazy.

i'm jealous
i'm overwhelmed, in a good way
i'm hungry
i want to share my songs with people.
i realize how much work it takes to get from where i am to there,
and get there well.
doing it justice, you know?

maybe i'm thinking i'm willing to put in the work, finally.

me duerme, voy a viaje, yo rezo

tonight i will brush my teeth and crawl in bed and turn off the lights.

i will wake up at 7, get ready for class, and learn the last little bit of spanish i can before the final exam on friday.

on friday after class, i will leave with nancy for an unexpected raleigh trip for heather's wedding shower.

this weekend i will see heather, jess, whit, cat, steph, mrs. kay, mrs. ray, and all the other women in my life that remind me what it is to be a good friend, a good woman, and remind me that i am loved and prayed for even a half a state away!

i will see my parents new house, and inevitably be weirded out, and i'll try not to imagine that the ghosts of the old people living there before us are haunting me in my sleep, and then i'll probably try to ride my bike to north hills, wishing i was back in boone.

when i get back to boone, i will hang out with windy drive people because they're always doing fun things.
i will work out because i want to.
i will keep writing songs.
i will love this last college summer with my whole heart and "suck all the marrow out of life!"


dear Jesus,
thanks for hard times. i know there is a time we must walk through it.
i'm really glad it's not without you.
please provide a job for me. you know how much i need it, and soon.
chick-fil-a looks nice.
and chetola.
hook a daughter up.
and i know you saw this roommate thing coming.
i know you'll provide that, too.
i love you and i trust you.
forever and ever amennnnn,
sam

come now, let us reason together

some encouraging verses that i've really needed to see.

Isaiah 1:17-19

Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed.
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

If you are willing and obedient,
you will eat the best from the land;



Luke 10: 8-12

Whenever you enter a town and they receive you, eat what is set before you.
Heal the sick in it and say to them, 'The kingdom of God has come near to you.'
But whenever you enter a town and they do not receive you, go into its streets and say,
'Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet we wipe off against you. Nevertheless know this,
that the kingdom of God has come near.'
I tell you, it will be more bearable on that day for Sodom than for that town.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

true life: boone summer

photo by nancyrayphotography


facts:

i have good friends.
i want to make more.

i'm slowly going into debt.
i WILL be okay.

there is one week per month that everything i do should be excusable because i'm about to be, and will be, on my period.
i just heard the collective male ::shudder:: via the intrawebs.
but for real! i'm tired and unmotivated and puffy all over and generally cry at a lot of things and i can't STOP!

i need another job.
what i make now ≠ bills.
i trust i will get one!! because i'm ready to work so hard and get a consistent paycheck and be a semi-responsible and fully-well-meaning young adult!

"Therefore I tell you,do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"
Matthew 6:25-27

i'm almost late for leg 2 of spanish.
i love reading right now.
i can't wait to clean my room.

i think i like twitter better than facebook.

i want to be a good farmer one day, when i have a yard. hopefully my husband will be good at that sort of thing, so we can eat asparagus.

i want someone who will farm with me.

i also have zero interest in boys who
give incessant compliments.
sensitive boys.
sweet boys.
bleeeegh, it reeks of lies. nooo thank you.

i'm not saying compliments, sensitivity, or sweetness is bad. it's not.
but if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
guys are good at bullcrapping.
well i call your bluff too nice guys!!


all i want is a garden with vegetables in it and stuff.
maybe some flowers.
maybe a few fruit trees. plums. cherries. apples.

you'd think i'd be able to find one of those farm guys in boone.

a collection of memories so I won't forget all the good stuff about birthday weekend.

saturday

woke up in boone. went to the farmer's market. got a lemonade spritzer for way too much money but felt okay about it. bought the last muffin from faith hill farms so i only had to pay a dollar. i told him i always try to be loyal to him and none of the other baked-goods makers.

met jenks at horn in the west field. laid out and talked about a lot of things / there were lots of bugs. family, music, boone. dropped off stuff at the goodwill truck. packed and left for raleigh.

arrived in raleigh, and went straight to the girls' apt. showered and dressed while jess, whit, cat, mrs. ray, and john prepared a sweet birthday cook out. i'm beginning to appreciate very simple things like meals (including cut lettuce and tomatoes and onions) i don't have to prepare or pay for!

meanwhile, the drummond household was preparing a special outdoor viewing of my favorite move of all time, HOOK.
let me try to describe it:

the drummonds back yard is a golf course, so we arrive there and go to the back of the house and there is a giant white sheet hanging from the porch on the top floor to the grass at the bottom floor. tarps, blankets, cushions, chairs, and tables are set out on the grass facing the movie screen. the sun is setting and jess sets up the projector. As it gets darker, all kinds of goodies make their way from the kitchen to the yard including popcorn, a tray of chocolate bars, soda, and -the kicker- homemade funnel cakes!

a giant moon starts to come up and turns the stringy clouds all kinds of golds and navy blues. the drummond little brother, sam, and john start shooting of fireworks, laughing boyishly at the risk of disturbing the neighbors. i'm laying down on the pillows and blankets there on the grass with some of my closest girl friends and this movie starts running and it's absolutely perfect.

okay, so after that was over we cleaned up and went back to the girls apt, quickly falling asleep in the dandelion room.


sunday

i wake up at 10:30 to a text saying "you coming?" from one of my best guy friends, matt. the beach!! although i was supposed to be there at 10, i know matt is forgiving of my chronic tardiness and super-power ability to sleep in.

i jump up, quickly gather what beach things i could find, and zoom to matt's.

we get in his car and begin the 2 hour trip down 40 East towards the coast. that's one of the main reasons i love raleigh - it's perfectly central location for spontaneous day trips to beaches or mountains. i haven't been to the beach since last summer, so i'm sure i looked like a 6-year-old little girl with my head hanging out the window that i insisted should stay open as much as possible on the way.

we stopped at bojangles, reared up solid road-trip music, and cultivated solid road-trip conversation. it started to rain, so i prayed that i'd get to enjoy some sun on the beach.

we rolled up in wrightsville, parked, and walked out to a sunny shore.

books in tow and read shoreside:
animal, vegetable, miracle (kingsolver)
a grief observered (lewis)

after a few hours laying out we headed to downtown wilmington to eat supper. we found a bar with outdoor music, and enjoyed a very tasty meal as much as we possibly could while still having an oily-sandy film on our un-showered beach bods.

came home. i went to my parents house and took a shower. relaxed and enjoyed some of the last moments in the house i grew up in for 22 years exactly. next time i come home, that house won't be home any more. very strange.


monday

slept with phone turned off and slept a very long time, enjoying my bed. woke up and listened to my favorite birthday songs

altered images happy birthday
no doubt six feet under

steph and whit texted inviting me to go to the pool at the apt and enjoy a picnic!
wheat thins, cheese, strawberries, jones berry lemonade, and coke!
people magazine, instyle, and seventeen!
friends, birthday.

jess came by with the baby she nannies for, sweet sarah. okay, i cannot stand tiny babies in tiny swimsuits. it is TOO MUCH! she even floated in an inflatable frog with a palm tree shade. too much cute.

met my sister and her babies at goodberries in wake forest and was treated to strawberry custard and good conversation and birthday bangles!

went home, showered, packed, got ready for the NO DOUBT and PARAMORE concert.

y'all.

i wasn't even really reeeeally excited because i have a thing against super-huge arenas where i feel like i'm not even seeing the band play, because it feels more like i'm just listening to the album really loudly over big speakers with about a zillion other people in the sweaty smelly mass of humanity on the lawn.

but holy cow. this was a good concert.

paramore was tight and so entertaining. so much fun!

i've loved no doubt since middle school. my college no doubt hiatus (along with gwen's solo career) kind of lended to this whole... yeah, i like no doubt but, is it enough to see them in concert at sweaty alltel pavilion?

i didn't get excited until about 5 seconds before they got on stage.
and then i realized... gwen stefani is here!!! and all of my middle/high school favorite songs ... they're going to be performed right here right now!
lots of dancing. lots. and good friends and good music.

drove back to boone from 11:30 pm - 2:30 am.

22!!

but if you had regular hands you'd be like everyone else

watching: edward scissorhands
goals: to finish a song this week
looking forward to: turning 22 in one week!!


spanish class is going really well. my teacher is so wonderful, i just want to be her friend and talk about argentina and spain and try to talk in spanish. she's really frumpy looking but has great things to say about any subject. she makes everyone feel very comfortable in the classroom. so, 8-12 M-F isn't that bad. i'm actually pretty happy.

this weekend i slept in, and climbed waterfalls and then jumped off them, and watched a scary movie, and got to spend time with really nice people.

i feel like i need to get out of boone, though. cabin fever or something like that.

anyone want to road trip to nashville one weekend this month?

brainstorm: birthday weekend of fun