THE BLACK LIST

here is a list of things so terrible, i can't even discuss them at length.

Appalachian State Financial Aid Office & Staff
Spencer Pratt
WalMart*
McDonald's (it is only allowed once a year, after which i swiftly realize why i think McDonald's=cancer)
Newark, New Jersey
Lady GaGa (the anti-christ of pop music)
bellybuttons
palm-to-palm friction
Getting Ticketed
Gaining 5 Pounds Exactly
***dying smoke detecters

i will add to this list only when necessary. this is no "things i don't like in general" list.
i have to save it for the worst of the worst.


in other news, i dismantled my dying smoke alarm at 6 am this morning
after it had kept me up since 4, between intermittent dreams of my roommate trying to wake me up. hate you, dying smoke detecter. you go on the black list.

then i...
made coffee
and spilt it on my sheets.

looks like i pee-peed my bed.

i'm still happy this morning, though.
i'm listening to Hillsong and appreciating the fog-hugged mountains out my window.

summer?

tomorrow morning marks the beginning of my intermediate spanish I and II class.

8-12, M-F.

send prayers, encouragement, and big fat cups of coffee my way.

this is why i sleep in a ball in the middle of my bed.

today i woke up at 2 pm.

last night i slept with all the lights on because i heard alien noises and knew a big slimy monster hand was going to grab at my feet if it was dark.

yes, i am 21!!

so that's why i woke up at 2 pm. probably the crappiest, scariest then funniest now night since the second grade.

so today i woke up at 2pm
i put on shorts that say "LOVE PINK" on the back and made myself some coffee.
i realized, i am not very good at making coffee, but i liked it anyway.


i went to the financial aid office.
for reasons i would go into but probably shouldn't because i'm still emotionally distraught-
appalachian state university financial aid office goes on my BLACK LIST.
right before mcdonald's cancer burgers and right after WalMart.

it made me cry, also the most child-like cry i've had since the second grade. might have something to do with getting zero sleep because of irrational fears about aliens, ghosts, and burglars.

lists to make me sleepy. better than counting sheep.

things i like, in general:

good dreams you try to go back to
fresh flowers of any kind
a good marathon on tv
the cheap luxury of bath and body works
being around books, but not necessarily reading them
new underwear and pajamas
scriptures
a solid cry when you haven't cried in a while
getting up super early for a good reason (trip, farmers market, fellowship, big breakfast)
cheerwine floats
astronomy picture of the day
holding hands
the drive from boone to tennessee
getting pictures developed
going places, and luggage in general
foreign things, and travel culture
eating well
really, amusement parks
new journals
good writing pens
dave matthews band during the thick heat of north carolina summers
if you give, you begin to live. helping out, just because.
crunchy peanut butter
the songwriting zone
beaufort, north carolina


things i do not like, in general:

the hip idea of "just being real". people try so hard to "just be real" and that defeats the purpose, don't you think?
i especially dislike when that is used as a standard for others. "he/she is just not real". everyone has a reason to act the way they do, however "real'' or "not real". in that way, everyone is real as is.
boys with road rage
people who think that being polite and soft-spoken equates to being without an opinion or without the ability to speak with conviction.
likewise, people who speak to me like i'm in third grade.
car problems. you never expect them and they always cost the most in money and time.
boys who are serial flirts/daters



here are a few rabbit-trail lists, too, while i'm at it!

some good things about running:

feeling like your organically a part of the surroundings
the music while you run that makes you push harder than you thought you could go
the burn in your chest
the cleansing feeling it gives you
the first glass of water post-run (thanks to stephie for that one!)
getting really sweaty


some bad things about running:
it sucks
people watching me run
getting whistled at or honked at while running
cramps & shin splints
people who run with their make-up on
getting really thirsty, and thereby getting spitty


what makes good music good to me:

makes me want to be creative
takes me to a different place in my head
makes my heart beat faster
good for a road trip
music i can literally picture myself running with my arms open to, just like in the last scene of the movie "powder".

hopefully i'd be more tan than him, though. haha!


the "if i had a crap-ton of money" list:

i'd eat well.
grocery shop at earth fare and whole foods and fresh market.
eat at the peddler steakhouse for my birthday.
buy my mom and dad a house.
go on a trip with my sisters.
give them a lot of money.
travel to sweden, iceland, greece, and too many other countries.
pay back what i owe.
invest.
IRA, Roth IRA, college savings for my kids, trust funds, etc.
support ministries of many kinds!
buy really pretty underwear and pajamas.
wear american eagles new "f.i.t." line of work-out clothes. yesss i know.
have a nice wedding.
make an album with amazing sound quality.
collect art.
have a log cabin made out of real wood. but not too big of a log cabin.
get a netflix account.
buy a digital camera.


aaaand goodnight!

it had teeth, and a spinal chord!

wish list
-toms shoes
-film for my camera
-tickets to see mat kearney on june 21st


i love my big fat greek wedding. every girl wants that. big family. ugly duckling to swan transformation, and extremely handsome man stranger who is interested in us even when we're really ugly duckling and sticks with us during our swan transformation.

i watched twilight for the first time last night, too, with my friend ben who is really nice and/or sick for willingly watching it with me. another thing every girl wants... to be insanely desired and protected. i am unashamedly going to own this movie because they hit that nail on the head. and i'm single, so, whatever.

i'm still in my pajamas. it's 8pm. awesome.

apt in ral

i'm sitting at the girls apartment in raleigh.

everyone is asleep. cat, whit, and jess are in their room (they share one, by choice) sleeping, because they have to get up early in the morning.

heather is about 10 feet away from me, falling asleep on the couch, listening to Harry Potter on audio.

today has been a really good day.

it feels good to have finished the semester, and finished it pretty strong.
i did well on my juries. dr. p said she was proud.
i got an A on my internship journal. my teacher said it was "a novel idea and beautifully done". holla!!
i didn't do as well in spanish but i have a whole summer of practice ahead of me.

thank you Lord for getting me through that so i could enjoy this time so much more.
that time of finishing strong was brought to you&me by:
the Lord's grace
good friends
good coffee
good music
the library deciding to suck it up and stay open
computerz


oh man. it feels like summer. it is HOT in raleigh. the good, sticky, enveloping, smells like honeysuckle and green trees and green grass bare feet windows down hot hot hot heat of SUMMER.

today my sisters came over, i got to play with their babies. anna and i played a game where she had about 5 different make believe birthday parties and i met all of her friends from her preschool who came and there were different balloons at each party.
rainbow balloons.
star balloons.
purple, red, yellow, blue balloons.
streamers.
she's a girl after my own heart.

and then i took a fat 3 hour nap.

and then i woke up, showered, and ate strawberry shortcake and came over here, to the girls apartment, which is gradually becoming just as much a home to me as my own home.

and we ate salt and vinegar chips and spaghetti and funfetti and other etti's and laughed and watched the office.

and now i'm sitting here and all i hear is the hum of the refrigerator and that guy on heather's computer reading Harry Potter saying stuff like "Harry, GET OUT said snape" in a british accent.



p.s.

i am the HAPPY owner of a diana f+ camera. it was given to me & i did not pay a dime & that is an answer to a silly prayer. i am going to take a picture of a dinosaur.

caffeine, significant

listening to: elliot smith, needle in the hay

two years ago, when i was living in nashville, i attended a church service in the downtown area with my close friends at the time.

periodically since that service, the words of the pastor resonate with me. i only attended that church one time, and thought the subject of his message extremely appropriate for that city, that group of people,

the 20-somethings of pseudo-famous nashville.

and for me. two and a half years later i still hear the crux of that message in my head:

significance.


we have a built-in need for it. meaning. belonging. purpose.

whenever i feel longing of some kind, displacement, not being enough, not doing enough, that word significance flashes in my head like a bolt of lightning. i wonder if i've got it. i wonder what it means, really.

part of nashville's allure for me is that feeling of significance. that city pulses with it. why? perhaps it's that you never know what well-to-do you will meet, sitting two tables over from you at a coffee shop. maybe it's because nashville is a little less obvious than new york city, seattle, boston, or LA. it's a subtle fame. an undercover renown. it is functioning celebriosity, somewhere in between the untouchable lives we see in PEOPLE magazine and the more obscure, less-pretty lives of our own. and being there, amidst it all, makes you feel significant by association.

attempting eco-consciousness, bicycles, brick-laid sidewalks, upscale shopping, groups of young, smart, attractive people you should know and try to hang out with. character. history. charm. nashville is so attractive.

i think the reason i am drawn to it so much is that i see people my age, with similar passions as i have, making their passions into careers. i can't figure out if it's my love for music or my need for significance that makes me want to write and record and play music, to make a name for myself amongst, and brush shoulders with, my successful nashville music peers. that is a critical distinction to make.



the pastor's words that day were simple and blunt.
obvious. cliche even. but my goodness, i cannot learn it enough.

you cannot base a feeling of significance on a person, circumstance, place, paycheck, situation, object, career, or lifestyle.

Christ is your significance. He is your identity.

I'm trying to figure out what living that out looks like.



P.S.
if nothing else, my creative writing courses have taught me that i use words that are way too strong way too often. i make them cheap and i don't say exactly what i mean.


P.P.S.
i'm not studying for my spanish exam like i should be. the tabs i have open are as follows:
e-mail, facebook, blogger, spanish, pandora, twitter.
ha ha haaa!