and it still resonates with me.

"i want to be a strong woman. i want stability and steadfastness. i want to be a loving, enthralling, Christ-like wife. i want a man who will walk with me in this journey, crazy in love with my God, a wise man who will lead with courage. i want to raise my children well. i want to have college-funds for my kids and to make investments in my grandchildren's names. i want to see more countries and live amongst the people. i want to overcome and love. i want to sing and to heal. i want wisdom and courage.
i need a better work-ethic. i must know that a relationship with a man could never fulfill what Christ is meant to fulfill. i must go into this knowing i'm gonna mess up, but it will still be beautiful. so beautiful."

-July 21, 2007

oh my goodness.

i'm like a freaking 8th grader here.

nothing against 8th graders, i mean, they're great. but not if you're acting like one and you are in fact, 20. maybe it is great though, for a change.

my cheeks are on fire right now. more on that later.

sheesh!



okay, so, my cheek color is no longer beet red and i've had time to process. in essence, the overall feeling is - i have simply forgotten what it feels like to be treated like a lady.

i went on a date. not an ambiguous "could be a date but might not be but might be and i feel like i'm being trixed either way" date. i try to be really thankful either way, and to kind of go-with-the-flow for whatever happens, to just enjoy the company no matter what form it comes in. but it was so nice, and so fresh, to just be... treated. to be told "i'm excited about our date". to have the door opened for me but not super-excessively or awkwardly, and for the guy to act like he's privileged to have taken me out.

it's not like we did anything super-special. mexican and milkshakes... topped off with man vs wild. lots of laughing. this, this is my idea of a great time.

i've been really just... exhausted... from being treated like... not a lady. i've come to expect it. now, this is no feminist soap-box i am stepping on right now. i so appreciate my guy friends, and i know the reason that females are viewed negatively is just as much what females ask for as it is anything else (believe me, i know. i am one). but the recent past has had a string of not-so-gentlemanly interactions. there have been times that i've walked away thinking, "what is so wrong with me that this is like this?" when, although i am not void of quirks and baggage, there isn't anything so wrong with me. there are decent men out there wanting to simply spend time to get to know a kick-a girl, and to treat them so nicely and purely and .... good.



okay, so, all that to say, had a good time, and it's so nice to feel like a lady.

i feel silly for typing all of that.

i feel it all

1. i've spent too much money. i need to focus on the basics of what i want/need.

this means returning the glorious bra i purchased at the victoria's secret semi-annual sale (which attending always seems like a better idea than it is.)
sam, you want that ipod. you can afford it but not after purchasing superfluous undergarments!
you want that digital camera. you do. you do you do!
you also want a new bible.


2. tomorrow is "carpe diem last day in raleigh!" day.

beauty supply necessity shopping, hopefully with my marmee. cotton-balls, those little travel face-washy clothes, new toothbrush, etc.
ice skating and pei wei with my ladies!
return aforementioned bra. so sad.
decide if i like bare minerals?
bible shopping?
watch catch and release with marmee.
make dinner.
laundry.
pack.
make mixes for road trip to boone.


3. i have decided that i love movies.
i don't see them enough, nor am i anything close to a movie buff. i'm quite the opposite. i get really excited at totally corny chick-flicks. i just saw juno tonight and loved it, plus we were all alone in the theatre which is fun for the following:
running around
laughing stupidly hard and loud
commenting equally loud
burping
throwing popcorn
putting your feel all up onz the seats in front of you
yelling
etc.
and i can't wait for the darjeeling limited to come out to dvd so i can see it. i'm also really excited about prince caspian and 27 dresses. listen, don't make fun of me!
movies are like the little bits of chocolate of life.


4. things to do upon arrival in boone:

pray for another job
go grocery shopping!!
resume a proper and healthy sleep routine
resume healthy and normal eating habits
resume being frugal and bitey with my money
organize school stuff
listen to my missed records
put up new super-cool tiny shelf for the top bunk.
pray
do a snow-dance


5. i have a heart for lands, but i want a bigger heart for the people of those lands.

i picture rolling hills and giant architecture and exotic foods and bigger skies than i've ever seen.
i want to picture those,
but i want to really see faces, and hearts, and stories, and that point where sadness meets hope.


i'm sleepy. wash face. read Good Words. write it down. rest peacefully (Lord, please please please...)

john says, say what you need to say

.
(photo by scott hammond - "the lovely road")

but what if i have so much to say and i just can't find the words for it?
or if everything i have to say is really silly and not warranted whatsoever?

what then, john?

well, 2008, i sure am glad you're here. i just want to enjoy you to the fullest i can. some reminders to myself for you, 2008: to smile more, laugh more, care less what other freakin people freakin think about me, and to fall hard in love with Jesus.

it is hard for me to say that last one. humbling. i keep wanting to re-type it and tweak it to make me sound like i have that whole thing figured out for the most part. to make me sound like i'm half the person i'd like to say i am. and, sometimes, i just have a hard time believing that it's something i'm actually willing to pray for myself, because i know that sometimes, when we pray it, we aren't prepared for what it takes for that prayer to be answered.

i just know that i want it. and i'm not afraid to say that i'm afraid of what it will take.

at this point in my life, i've never felt more pressure and necessity to know precisely where i stand, and to stand up for it eloquently, with little to no hesitation in the matter.


i was not intending for this to be the subject of this little 4 AM ramble. i'm actually quite filled with all sorts of anger and hurt, throw in a little jealously to top it off and there i am. and i had to get something out. i pity myself so much. and that's just gross. i suppose, at the root of it all, i am a selfish being and i really want to feel like i'm valued by the people i value so much. family. close friends. but lately i do not feel as if i'm getting much from either.

i also learned that "receiving gifts" is absolutely not one of the ways i receive love. i am a words of affirmation and quality time kind of person. it is best communicated to me that i am valued when there are words of affirmation spoken, and times where i am included in person.

okay, seriously? i have got to go to sleep now. i'm not making any sense and this absolutely bites as an impressive first post of 2008. nevertheless,

i am so, so blessed. my life is thick and rich with blessings from the Lord. every meal i eat and don't really appreciate. every breath i take without effort and each night of sleep i rest in a warm, comfortable full-sized bed (all to myself, nonetheless). i am so, so thankful, even in times where i could (and DO) just cry over things that have hurt me deeply or circumstances that, for lack of a fancier term, suck. my life is good, and all that is good and beautiful within it is the Lord. how good it is to see His beauty.

i said what i needed to say.

love to you this year, samantha