real

i'm feeling a weird sort of motivated that i'm hoping will still be around once i hit monday,
and throughout the next 3 weeks,
until this semester is done and finished strong.

just gotta plan. and plan well. so i don't have a stress-induced heart attack, 12 am breakdown, or spending/eating binge.


i just want to entertain the question:
what does it mean to be healthy?
really?


to me, i believe it is a balance between mind health, spirit health, and physical health. a balance between being responsible AND having fun. sticking to the plan AND being spontaneous. balance between going out with friends and staying in to clean, do laundry, do homework, watch gilmore girls.

i weigh a consistent 130 pounds. i take a dance class twice a week and am an active young person.

so why, when i look in the mirror, do i tend to think "i have to hide this" or "i don't like the way this looks"
"should be taller"
"should be thinner"
"guys won't like the way i'm chunky"

and the ridiculous list goes on and on.

the reason i'm thinking about this now is because i've spent my black friday NOT shopping and, instead, watching mtv's true life: yo-yo dieting.... or something like that.

i saw these pictures of myself from two years ago this time. it was a very hard, dark time in my life that i just didn't like myself very much. i wasn't very happy. i was the skinniest i can remember myself being in my young adult life, with the best complexion i think i've ever had. pretty hair. good brows. bird-like frame. lethargic, one-meal-a-day, insanely unhappy.

today i'm on acne medicine because i get breakouts. i have cellulite all up ons my butt and thighs. but i am overall so much healthier than i've been in a long time. i sing, i'm active, i have wonderful friends i spend time with, i laugh a TON, i'm doing well in and enjoying classes, i am making money, i get outside, i praise, i am provided for!

as a young woman, i am asking,
why, when i am so healthy and happy, does my society want to make me feel like i'm still not enough?