breathe in. it is well with me.

this is painful, trying to find a balance between divinity and daily. peace and desire.

"be content, samantha. life is so good as is. you are blessed beyond belief. you have a powerful purpose you don't even know yet. this is exciting."

i am. it is. thank You, my Lord.



but what i really want to say right now is,

i'm ready to be older. i feel old. i want to own my home and read the newspaper and have a salary and benefits. i want to drink wine while i'm reading a book by the fire. i want to get on a plane to visit my hometown for holidays. i want to write "thinking of you" letters on fancy stationary.

i would like to know what it feels like to have a young man actually treat me like he truly cares for me.
i could treat him like that. i can do it. i want to love and be loved. what an amazing adventure that would be.
and i'm ready to jump, i am.

i am tired of waiting by the phone. i do not expect him to act any way other than he has (though i hope he will). he has proven himself, not once, but three times that i am not worth it to him (though i am praying there is some yet-to-be-heard explination that will make me cry). this is hard, getting over it. and being twenty. and still hoping.


life is good, yes. and i need some patience.

pass the oreos, for real.