i always know it's march

currently listening to: songs that don't hurt my head
currently wishing: that the way my outsides feel matched the way my insides feel
currently contemplating: discretion

i always know it's march when i get sick. it's like clockwork. when the first few warm days come around, then back to cold again... just give me a few weeks. usually it's the flu but i went ahead and got the flu shot this year, so let's hope it doesn't get any worse! it's quite tolerable right now actually, just annoying. faucet-nose.

i always feel very invasive to other's healthy lives when i'm sick, it's one of the most embarrassing things to me. i hate it for my roommates especially. so i'm trying to be a very tidy sick person, but i really just want my mom, haha! yes, yes, i am twenty. i have been on a steady diet of echinacea, emergen-c, hot tea, dayquil, advil pm, and ibuprofen. that doesn't sound like a healthy combo now that i've spelled it all out...

i always know it's march when i start to ache for warmer weather. i get the weird in-betweensy feelings, like i haven't quite hit home yet.

i know this sounds really silly, but today...
i was trying so hard to stay out of everyone's way, so they wouldn't realize that i was sick and if they did, i would just quietly move aside and try to keep to myself and not flaunt my not-cute sickiness. when i was walking from crossroads back to the information desk, tea in hand, i ran into my big bear of a friend at work, who told me i looked beautiful, to which i swiftly replied, "no i don't! i'm sick!". they said again that i looked beautiful and started coming towards me for a hug, of all things! they shouldn't see me, let alone hug me when i'm like this! i said, "you don't want to get near me, i'm sick and snotty and gross..." and they bear hugged me. how terrible for them, i thought! and they didn't stop. and i'm glad. i needed that hug so bad.

as i sat down at the desk, i realized, i do this all the time. God and i have this exchange regularly. i like to come to him with my sicknesses nicely labeled and organized and i tell him how i'm fighting off each one with this and that, and that he probably shouldn't come near me because i'm gross. "you're beautiful" He says, and i don't want Him to know how gross i am or for any of that grossness to get on Him.
and He bear hugs me, sometimes even when i don't let him at first.
hallelujah!

so, if i can make it to thursday in one piece without missing too many of my classes, i'll be okay. NYC friday morning, Lord, i pray my ickiness is gone by then. 10 hours on a bus sick? no, thanks.

i always know it's march when i have a ton on my mind.

[p.s. i miss you, heather! come home so i can do an excited dance with you, okay?!]