excerpt from new york journal

from january 7, 2009

new york city
(and other thoughts from the sleepless streets)

we've been here nearly a week and i'm ready to be on the road once more. what an exciting and motivating way to begin this new year. i'm beginning to understand myself and my hopes and motivations that rise and dip like a roller-coaster. after a long while of leaving more than enough room for me to not let myself down, i'm ready to challenge myself. i understand that this rise comes before a dip and that pride comes before a fall.

so the issue immediately at hand is to keep my pride in check.

it takes a certain type of person to live in this city and be happy. i know i am not that type for long-term city living. but for the first time in a long time i can honestly look around here and say that i could do this for a little while. i could if i was in the right place at the right time.

today is the first day here that i am able to sit and observe at my pace of choice: warm, sitting, with a hot apple spice in hand. it's cloudy and gloomy and beautiful in that way, especially viewing from inside. we're just on the edge of NYU's campus and that makes me feel like i'm a part of authentic new york goings-on. i like this new york. and what a great time to be finishing (finally) Franny & Zooey.

what a blessing to be here, singing, with friends.

friends are people you wouldn't mind dying with, i think. let me put it this way. there have been times, riding in a car with people i know, for instance, that i've thought to myself: if something were to happen, i do not want to die with these people. friends are people you could die with.

for the sake of my future self, and in ode to my past self, here are assorted memories from this trip:

-gig at Ace of Clubs, and thinking to myself "no inhibitions, here i AM new york, this is my best"
-shrek the musical
-liking mcdonald's again
-irregular choosing of my irregular choice heels ♥
-hot dog in chilly central park with sax player
-getting lost (again, and again, and again) on stupid new jersey highways
-falling in love with the metropolitan museum of art and realizing that i could have a future in museum careers...
(and walk in central park/streets of london/have an apartment/fall in love/ put flowers i buy in a market in my room (thanks, joni)
-wo-hop chinese diner!! best food and service and hole-in-the-wall and sense of humor ever... and my first taste of chinese beer
-knowing and vowing that i will come to the city in a transitional season because i associate nyc with being miserably cold. i want to wear a dress in the warmth next time i'm here!


maybe everyone will experience having someone they will always go back and think about. big places, standing in the "shadow of tall buildings" where you know important people are doing important things... it makes you feel small. it leads you to grab onto your significances. to cut to the chase.
and to cut to the chase, being here has made me think about that someone i always go back and think about, benji. i miss him. maybe i just need another someone who treats me as well as he did, who makes me laugh like he did, who makes me proud to just know him, like i was proud to know and be associated with him. another someone who can remind me that benji is just a boy figuring out how to be a man, he is still guided by the same God i know and confide in. he is in a different place experiencing all kinds of successes and trials, he is meeting new confidantes and people who are making life worth while, he is changing, and living a life i am not a part of, and that's okay.

i want to be okay with that but in my heart i am still battling with hurt and bitterness; i want him to know that the decisions he made and continues to make, however small or insignificant they seem, did and still continue to hurt me. being here stings me with thoughts of him. i wonder if he battles with the memory of me, or if his battle has been won, unbeknownst to me.