the past few days have been good. just with my whole heart, the real kind of good.
i am not far enough away from the "good" to be able to step back and describe what it is that has made it so good.
lots of things.
it's going to take some time before i can pin it all down with words.
right now i'm in the library and am surprised at just how many people are here, sitting with me on the "quiet" third floor, studying to the sounds of tic-tic-tickings of keyboards and distant, hushed chattering. i need to be here tonight to cultivate some productivity in my schoolwork. i need to be here in response to that lingering feeling of just not wanting to go home yet, to my humble and distant corner of boone.
today reminded me of last summer, which i spent, for the better part, in boone working and taking a summer class. that little blue dress i wore so many times walking up the hill to the Living and Learning Center, rushing, (as i had just come from a morning opening up the store)
i wore it today and felt as if i should be back there, in summertime, walking up the pressed mud path to my class. i can't wait for another one of those summers. just a few more weeks, sam crowder...
so there i was today in my blue dress, surrounded by dear friends on the hill of sanford mall, in the gentle heat of the day, laughing and listening to stories, telling stories, and watching people toss frisbees. boone comes alive on these days.
hi, i'm samantha and i am a narcissistic planner.
even if i don't follow through, i get excited about planning next steps, of any kind.
where to eat for lunch. what to wear. what classes to take.
which steps to take to get me to a better place, steps for self-improvement, steps to help me feel fulfilled and joy-filled.
joy filled.
but sometimes i overstep my boundary between the planning on my part and letting the Lord order my steps.
sometimes things happen that you just do not expect.
sometimes those things are great and sometimes they are not,
but for the narcissistic planner, when things don't stick to the plan, all order seems lost!
it is a joy to have some things that i did not expect, great things, things i'm learning to just let be, enjoy them, and take them one day at a time.
the Lord is patient with me.
may i have ears to hear Him when He orders my steps, big and small.
1 comment:
we are both planners. and I struggle with the feeling that, if I don't plan, everything will dissolve around me. simply everything. but that's just fear talking, not God.
Post a Comment