life, lists, laundry detergent

so, this morning i told myself: sam, just don't blog for two weeks. your blog has gotten lame and remiss, you have other things on your mind right now, few read it, so... take a break. a b-break.

and now, here i am, my second cup of hot green tea in hand, a slice of oreo pie down, a lit candle, my journals, and my planner surrounding me. so i say to myself, how can i not blog? it's the ideal environment for blogging!

every so often i reminisce (surprised i got that spelling right on the first try!) on my blogging. i love to blog. i don't really have a particular goal or end in mind, i just like another outlet of documentation and thoughts. sometimes it's more candid than others, sometimes it's business, other times this little box is another ear to tell ugly and not-so-ugly details to. every year i print off my blogs in chronological (surprised i did not get that spelling right the first try) order, and bind them together. it makes it seem more legitimate, don't you think?

sometimes the blogs are similar to what i write in my paper journals, but they have a different filter to them. and that filter captures different details of my life, details i wouldn't capture otherwise. so, cheers to blogs! cheers to the people i know who read this, cheers to people i don't know who read this, and cheers to the other bloggers out there whose blogs inspire me! inspiration is a powerful thing, my friends.

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today i had a little photo shoot with michael and juliet of blue kite photography, the lovely bf/gf photography duo. i know juliet from high school, and just met michael today (though i felt like i've known him much longer!) i am so excited about these pictures!! and my fingers are still not thoroughly warmed up! here's a little sneak peak:


michael and juliet used poloaroids, a diana, film cameras, and digitals today. so excited!!! they are truly wonderful and so much fun to be around!

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tonight i have:

- done laundry
- made a pretty solid set list
- filled in this week in the planner
- started a 2010 list of goals, this time... in months! i'll share some goals soon.
- corresponded with some nannying positions that are looking SO hopeful and are exactly what i need time-wise!


my new favorite laundry detergent (well, my only real favorite worth mentioning) is ECOS in "lemongrass" by earth friendly products. the scent is SO wonderful, it is the same price (or less) than regular laundry detergents, and you get the added good feelings about using a product that is without harsh chemicals (chemicals that may be great for cleaning your clothes, but are harsh on your skin and the environment.) here are some reviews by fellow ECOS fanatics!

i was telling my mom today that i'm very rarely a verbally strongly opinionated person. i don't really try to rally people to my side, and often i fall silent in heated discussions about politics, denominations, taxes, movements, et cetera. but i do love having definitive beliefs and opinions. you know how the saying goes, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, or something along those lines. i think the strongest way to share your opinions is to live accordingly, not always through verbal rallying(though sometimes it is absolutely called for!) the idea of "green" is one i really like, and i've had fun trying to live more that way.

anyway, i digress. lame. remiss.

love,
sam

annual christmas post!

“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.”
- t.caldwell

today, i googled "christmas quotes." i knew i wanted to wish my friends and family a merry christmas, but couldn't quite find the best words to say between my love for christmas and my serious case of scrooge. i mean, i'm a regular bah-humbug. i even wrote "i think i hate christmas" in my journal. that is so sad!

i love christmas because of the truth. the truth is Jesus came so we wouldn't have to be alone, ever. we would never have to be separated from him, despite our humanity. that has brought me such peace and refuge today, and in this holiday that really brings up a lot of ugly things in and around me.

i hate christmas because of everything it says it is, but really isn't.
i wish it wasn't so red and green and gold, and old-navy-y and gap-y and sears-y.

i love it for traditions in families, for movies like "the elf" and for freshly baked cookies that you set out, even way beyond your santa-believing years.

i hate it for x boxes. and cheery-competitions. and facebook updates and how displaced i feel in my family sometimes.

i hate it because it always makes me want to feel sorry for myself, and that is not only NOT cute but really disabling.

it makes me think about the fact that i haven't made a christmas list in a lot of years. and that i don't get to ask for anything. and that i know i shouldn't want to ask for anything but i do. i want to ask for things and not feel bad for wanting things. i think the critical distinction here is that i may not have the situational means to ask for any things, that does not mean i cannot hope for meaningful things, things seen and unseen.

i hate christmas because it makes me obsess over money and how me and my parents have less than none, how i won't get to make a christmas list until i have my own family. it makes me see how unappreciative and selfish i can be. i hate it because it lies to me, screaming "you're alone you're alone you're alone! because you don't have what you should today! you don't have warm fuzzy feelings or big ol' gifts with your name on them!" but, though we all know and hear that those things aren't the point, it's pretty difficult to live that out.

sometimes i pray for a better sense of humor so all of this wouldn't be so intense. i know emotions are indicators of real issues going on, so i want to investigate more what all of this is stemming from. i'm tired of telling myself (and having other people telling me) i'm too sensitive or too analytic or too this or that. the fact is i love myself, i love my family, situations aren't ideal, and we learn how to cope with them. and it's all beautiful somehow.


i have so many hopes for this new year that i can't wait to share. and hopes for next christmas. next year will be a year of growth and adventure and success!!



so, really from the bottom of my slightly scrooged heart, i wish you a

happy christmas

today. i pray you can find the beauty in it, however obvious or hidden, and thank the Lord he came, choosing a time when the night was at its darkest, the wind at its coldest, and the world seemingly most indifferent. what hope he brings!!!

focus

i wish i had my glasses with me.

i'm sitting in cup-a-joe in downtown raleigh, my second coffee shop of the day.
i know it's the holidays and the first few days of my being home, and i know that the eating out will slow down. soon i hope.

i have to have a game plan. bfast at home. make meals. part-time job during the internship.

this coffee shop lets its customers smoke inside. i don't really like that, but everything else about this place i like. well, i don't like the mural on the wall per se, not necessarily my taste but i can appreciate it. so, everything besides those things.

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even post-shower, i smell smoke on me. the scent stained my skin. or my nose hairs.

i think the best feeling ever is a hot shower at night right before bed. there is nothing like clean skin on clean sheets!



my thoughts are scattered and my emotions are scattered and my belongings are scattered but it's okay.
it's all coming into focus.