geeze, tell me how you REALLY feel!

happy friday everyone!

today, seminar was cancelled. halleluhhhh!

i want to vacuum so badly.

i have to have my essay one final draft complete by monday and, because i have about a million hours worth of work to do, i'm excited about spending some time in the library this weekend. you know, i enjoy the library during the weekend (friday and saturday) exponentially more than i do during the week. there are so few people in there i like to pretend it's my own personal library like belle in beauty in the beast, minus the roll-y ladder things, most unfortunately.

anyway, i had to have a meeting with my professor to discuss my essay and writing and life in general. we decided i have a hard time saying how i really feel about things. that's the joy of creative non-fiction: you don't have to be right or agreeable or tactful, you can just share whatever opinion you have because it's the truth of how you feel and how you see things. i did not grow up that way. i kind of learned the opposite... don't share how you really feel, because there is an ultimate standard of how you should be feeling. for each real feeling you may be having, there is an equal and opposite Bible verse to obliterate that feeling into the land of feeling guilty for even having that feeling in the first place.

how do i really feel about that?
i feel like that's how we made Christianity, which is sad and i don't blame people for not wanting to deal with that.
and i feel like God -not trying to put words in the man upstairs' mouth- but i feel like He really appreciates us sharing how we really feel, however mean and ugly and human. He made us after all, and wrapped himself up in this gross skin, it's no new news to him. we try so hard to impress Him without so much as just fearing Him.

i have not and will not ever lose my faith in God. He is my first love.
i've just lost a lot of my faith in people who are on the same ridiculous, muddy, bumpy road as i am and claim they're on a better one.
but my faith really shouldn't be in people anyway, i know that.

i really like chelsea lately, the soup, and other slightly raunchy television shows because they're honest and funny and one of them involves a little latino man named chuy.

i really, really, really despise when people discuss me and my life without me being there, without asking my opinion about things first, or without even talking to me much at all in general. even though *HOW I REALLY FEEL ALERT* i probably do that to other people, so i'm going to try and be a lot better about that knowing how much it irritates the snot out of me.

ie: "sam really seems to like _____ but maybe she needs to touch him more or send him some signals"
ugh.
okay, feeling like an animal at the zoo. what happened to not having to sit on the same couch together while i cross my legs over in his direction so he can get the idea from my body language that i like him and want to date him when i don't even know him very well hmmm? don't pressure me, i can't flirt under pressure!

ie: "i think sam drinks, and therefore she is no longer as good a Christian as me"
uuuuugh.
do i drink? on occasion. do i have alcohol that i've purchased myself in my apartment? no. do i feel the desire to drink on any given day? no. do i feel like because i do not go to north ridge missionary alliance or cornerstone summit that people are more prone to looking at the seems of my lifestyle and thinking i am forfeiting my wits, convictions, and sensibilities? yes.

bam there it is.

ie: "is she dating him? you know, sam dates"
i am not dating anyoneeeeee.
occasionally, i will go on dates. usually not second ones.
i crush a lot and that's good enough for me.
i still do not kiss, i don't hold hands, i don't cuddle. just cause i don't want to. there are no boys i want to do that with here. i don't know what that particular information has to say about me or what i'm trying to say by sharing that information except, don't worry, i'm not a floozy.

in the words of stephanie tanner,
how ruuuude.
just talk to me, people. not about me. thanks.
thanks, also, for all the phone calls/emails/forms of contact i've had from you, and excuse me for trying not to sound really bitter cause i ammmmm and it's not cute!

i think youngLife and Kannukuk boys are the most ridiculous boys on the planet and i want to punch them in the ear for overusing the term "tryinna'" in regards to social activities, and for a lot of other reasons but mostly that one.

ie: "yo girl, you tryinna hang out tonight?"
"you tryinna go to cookout in a few hours?"
"whatdup girl, you tryinna watch a movie and then i'll sit suspiciously close to you and try to cuddle while not tryinna get to know you as a person?!"

i say NO! NO to you young life and kannukuk boys!

so. many. ear. punches.

that is the end of how i really feel because i feel naked and ugly in all of my real, unrefined opinions! so i'm gonna go to the gym and then to the library! okay!