disaster room; small steps

!!!!!!!

sweatpants: on
tv: off
room: semi-tornado

it doesn't stay like this. i actually have discovered how nice a clean and tidy room is, and really do try to keep it that way. but it just accumulates and all of a sudden there are...

there are borrowed objects scattered all around my room. yellow high-top converse shoes. the sweatpants... that i'm currently wearing (woops). some ice-d out chains. there are papers all over my vanity telling me that i owe $5 to the dermatologist and reminding me that my little girl in the dominican needs $30 and telling me how many taxes have been taken out of my paycheck. my bathroom is an assortment of underwear, jeans, shoes, hair products and make-up. my nail polish is chipped. my bed no longer houses my body, but instead, much of my wardrobe and a half-full suitcase.

wow, my version of adulthood looks an awful lot like a little girl playing dress-up in her mom's closet.
i have no idea what i'm doing but i'm doing okay pretending and praying that the Lord fills the gaps between where my foot ends and the rest of the high-heeled shoe keeps going.

all is quiet on the boone-town front tonight. really really quiet.
i even got a parking space right in front of my apartment, which reminds me of living here in the summer.
the weather today, actually, was quite reminiscent of that time as well.
i would also like to point out that i spelled "reminiscent" correct the first time, no red squiggly line mocking me!

i've had some really nice conversations as of late.
the kind that you walk away feeling like you just did everything you needed to do for a while, in one conversation.

my dear friend amanda and i sat in the coffee shop and talked about ridiculous stuff, stuff girls just deal with and it's so silly and retarded and even so, it's nice to know you're not the only one going through it. the Lord just fashioned us girls in a certain way and even those silly retarded things He cares about and gives us friends to talk it out with. that is wonderful.

and my dear sweet heart of a tom eisenbraun and i were talking about just really hard stuff that we've had to go through in our lives... parents divorces and really broken hearts and scary scary financial situations and he put it like this:

"i kind of feel like those of us who've had our worlds thrown to the wind and had to pick everything back up so many times are the lucky ones. we're the ones who've had ourselves tested to the quick, and understand ourselves and love and the world around us in such a more spiritual way for it, if only because that's the only way to ever make sense of so much rending of reality"

i think he's right.

also, i danced a LOT thursday night, dressed like a gangsta. i danced so much. and the dj of all djs played mgmt and i laughed a lot, and i saw that handsome womanizer of a boy looking all out of place and thought
"ha ha womanizer! you did not have your way with me, and for a time i thought it was I who had lost something but you were the one that lost something buck-o!"

it was a very ya-ya sisterhood, fried green tomatoes type of moment, i assure you.


i am in need of a capo.
some fruit in my diet.
sleep.
a kiss.
OH MY GOSH! life update!
(i'm sorry, it has nothing to do with kissing. i still suffer from kiss anxiety.)

so, since january i've just had a rush of songs in my heart like a rush of blood to a limb that's been asleep and it feels all pins-and-needles-y. i love it. i love singing and writing and playing. it will never not be like that.
anyway, my boss kiki emailed me on monday asking if i wanted to be the featured artist for this month's Art Crawl. Art Crawl is a nice little thing boone does every first friday of some months and while the turchin center stays open with it's crazy exhibits, the stores along king street stay open late and some of them feature local artists. so for gladiola girls, i accepted to be the musical delight du jour.

*i have an immense fear of playing my own music by myself. playing an instrument and singing at the same time in front of people gives me pit-in-stomach noodle-fingers feelings*

but i just felt like i needed to just say yes. and not think about it too much. and not tell a soul that i was doing it. strangers are less intimidating.

so i did it! and i made $2 in tips, which i was going to frame but then decided it would be better if i bought and consumed a fancy cookout milkshake instead. and there were candles around me, and a polaroid picture floating around somewhere i need to get my hands on and that was fun.
one small step for sam, one GIANT STEP FOR SAM! yesss!

okay, home tomorrow. stuff in washing machine needs to dry. i need to burn cds i don't have. it's 3:40 and i work at 10?
but THEN HOOOOME!!!!
i severely want chick-fil-a.

and i can't wait to see my cat, teeeej!