“I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses.”
- t.caldwell
today, i googled "christmas quotes." i knew i wanted to wish my friends and family a merry christmas, but couldn't quite find the best words to say between my love for christmas and my serious case of scrooge. i mean, i'm a regular bah-humbug. i even wrote "i think i hate christmas" in my journal. that is so sad!
i love christmas because of the truth. the truth is Jesus came so we wouldn't have to be alone, ever. we would never have to be separated from him, despite our humanity. that has brought me such peace and refuge today, and in this holiday that really brings up a lot of ugly things in and around me.
i hate christmas because of everything it says it is, but really isn't.
i wish it wasn't so red and green and gold, and old-navy-y and gap-y and sears-y.
i love it for traditions in families, for movies like "the elf" and for freshly baked cookies that you set out, even way beyond your santa-believing years.
i hate it for x boxes. and cheery-competitions. and facebook updates and how displaced i feel in my family sometimes.
i hate it because it always makes me want to feel sorry for myself, and that is not only NOT cute but really disabling.
it makes me think about the fact that i haven't made a christmas list in a lot of years. and that i don't get to ask for anything. and that i know i shouldn't want to ask for anything but i do. i want to ask for things and not feel bad for wanting things. i think the critical distinction here is that i may not have the situational means to ask for any things, that does not mean i cannot hope for meaningful things, things seen and unseen.
i hate christmas because it makes me obsess over money and how me and my parents have less than none, how i won't get to make a christmas list until i have my own family. it makes me see how unappreciative and selfish i can be. i hate it because it lies to me, screaming "you're alone you're alone you're alone! because you don't have what you should today! you don't have warm fuzzy feelings or big ol' gifts with your name on them!" but, though we all know and hear that those things aren't the point, it's pretty difficult to live that out.
sometimes i pray for a better sense of humor so all of this wouldn't be so intense. i know emotions are indicators of real issues going on, so i want to investigate more what all of this is stemming from. i'm tired of telling myself (and having other people telling me) i'm too sensitive or too analytic or too this or that. the fact is i love myself, i love my family, situations aren't ideal, and we learn how to cope with them. and it's all beautiful somehow.
i have so many hopes for this new year that i can't wait to share. and hopes for next christmas. next year will be a year of growth and adventure and success!!
so, really from the bottom of my slightly scrooged heart, i wish you a
happy christmas
today. i pray you can find the beauty in it, however obvious or hidden, and thank the Lord he came, choosing a time when the night was at its darkest, the wind at its coldest, and the world seemingly most indifferent. what hope he brings!!!
1 comment:
I want you to come over here (to the Drummond Household) and we are going to induct you into the Drummond Family! I mean we have so many already another one is no biggie at all! hehe. I love you soo freakin much and so does the rest of my family! You can come over and be a Drummond when ever you want to!
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