real

i'm feeling a weird sort of motivated that i'm hoping will still be around once i hit monday,
and throughout the next 3 weeks,
until this semester is done and finished strong.

just gotta plan. and plan well. so i don't have a stress-induced heart attack, 12 am breakdown, or spending/eating binge.


i just want to entertain the question:
what does it mean to be healthy?
really?


to me, i believe it is a balance between mind health, spirit health, and physical health. a balance between being responsible AND having fun. sticking to the plan AND being spontaneous. balance between going out with friends and staying in to clean, do laundry, do homework, watch gilmore girls.

i weigh a consistent 130 pounds. i take a dance class twice a week and am an active young person.

so why, when i look in the mirror, do i tend to think "i have to hide this" or "i don't like the way this looks"
"should be taller"
"should be thinner"
"guys won't like the way i'm chunky"

and the ridiculous list goes on and on.

the reason i'm thinking about this now is because i've spent my black friday NOT shopping and, instead, watching mtv's true life: yo-yo dieting.... or something like that.

i saw these pictures of myself from two years ago this time. it was a very hard, dark time in my life that i just didn't like myself very much. i wasn't very happy. i was the skinniest i can remember myself being in my young adult life, with the best complexion i think i've ever had. pretty hair. good brows. bird-like frame. lethargic, one-meal-a-day, insanely unhappy.

today i'm on acne medicine because i get breakouts. i have cellulite all up ons my butt and thighs. but i am overall so much healthier than i've been in a long time. i sing, i'm active, i have wonderful friends i spend time with, i laugh a TON, i'm doing well in and enjoying classes, i am making money, i get outside, i praise, i am provided for!

as a young woman, i am asking,
why, when i am so healthy and happy, does my society want to make me feel like i'm still not enough?

the simple list: december

inspired by my new real simple december issue, i'm going to make my own version of the simple list: december.

12:
operation christmas child. it's just good for so many reasons. it gives you a chance to pray and listen to the voice of the Lord guide you in choosing the perfect gifts for a child you've never met before. and you probably won't spend more than 10 dollars.

"it is in giving that we receive" - st. francis of assisi

11:
the spirit of Christmas is up to me. i can't depend on movies or pre-thanksgiving christmas decorations or snow or baked goodies to bring Christmas to me. if i wait for that, i'll never really feel christmas. this year i'm being intentional about what this time is to me, and why i love it so darn much!

10:
i'd like to make popcorn garland. straight up needle, thread, and popcorn!

9:
the only people i'm buying real gifts for are my neice and nephew, and my operation christmas child. everyone else is getting a lovely made-from-scratch edible gift and a hand-written letter and prayer. as lamesauce as i feel about it, i'm also really excited about it! when i take the time to bake i really love it, and i feel like it will a nice, different way to thank the people i love.

8:
i'd like to host OR attend a real 20-something holiday party. i have a fabulous little cocktail dress and have access to amazing jewelry by "what's-in-store" and diana warner. i also want to have a reason to make champagne cocktails!

7:
soldiersangels.org

6:
my wish list goes as follows:
some nice new undiewear
a new bra
new long socks
a moleskin reporter journal and 2009 planner
itunes gift cards
those are the necessities, anyway. you know, i can always use a new fancy coat, an ipod alarm clock, someone to pay for my trip to spain, a digital camera, or true love. but it's really whatevs :)

5:
i'd love to play a little coffeehouse show and sing some snowy songs on guitar and peenaner.

4:
now for $8.88 at wal*mart you can get a set of DOVE body wash , dove beauty bar, dove lotion and loofah.... all full sized. the body wash sold separately is $6.49. this is the best deal ever!!! and you know my affinity for dove products!

3:
we've had 3 november snows in boone thus far. i am praying praying praying that december is equally as snowy!! nothing makes me happier faster.

2:
i love mornings but i often don't wake up to see them, unless i have to for class or work, and then they lose all fun and grandeur. one day i will start waking up just for morning's sake, you know- toast, tea, paper- the whole nine. i just like sleeping a whole lot. people make fun of me because i do it so much, but i heard once that having a full night's sleep most nights can add on years to your life. so hopefully by the time i'm 85 and still going strong i'll be enjoying mornings in their entirety.

1:
rosie thomas: a very rosie christmas!!!

love, sam

thoughts at 21

so i am still awake at 3am and i think it might be worth it to divulge myself into a few fleeting thoughts.

sometimes i just want to take people outside of their lives so they can take a look at themselves from the outside. lately i've been sad for people because they seem so distant from really letting themselves feel real things. so many people build thick and stubborn walls to huddle inside of, choosing just what experiences they will accept for themselves. i am a firm believer that when we take ourselves outside of our comfort zones, then and only then do we experience all the richness life has to offer. i understand not everyone agrees with that, and not everyone will choose that type of life.

and it IS a choice. it is a challenge. it is an intentional change of mindset and an even more intentional change of behavior.

to live in comfort with self-made spontaneity, skimming the surface of ourselves and God and others and potential

or

to live outside of comfort with real fear, real love, real anger, real ugliness, real beauty,
seeing ourselves in the raw in light of the big picture of humanity (it's tragic and epic and heroic!)
seeing God in the smallest details and in the vagabonds and in the least of these??


i do not say this to imply that i have it all together. i don't . and i do not intend to imply that my insights on other's lives are fully correct, because i know God speaks and works in the individual, and relates to them in special ways because He is a God of individual relationships and i could never see people like Him.

just food for thought if it makes any sense at all.


also, boys should know that it is not a very effective tactic to express interest in a girl and not a few days later to carelessly flirt with other girls.

if a guy expresses interest, and i in turn think he's charming and can hold a nice conversation, i do my research. i check out the close friends. i observe from a distance. he has my attention for a time until i can assess what kind of person he is and how i feel about him. he sought out to have my attention and he has it. not in obvious ways. but in honest, classy, modest ways he has my attention.

i've found that the fault of many men is that they don't know what to do from there.

and it reeks of obviousness when i am one of a handful of ladies they are attempting to "hook and reel". it's in that second stage, when i am observing, that careless flirtation with other girls can ruin any chance of my further attention. don't get me wrong, i don't consider it a major character flaw when this happens, and i don't think these men are bad people per se, or that i require their sole attention and devotion even in the baby-steps of maybe relationships (i don't expect that even a little!) but these guys go from potentially "dateable" to absolute no-go's in seconds just because they didn't know how to keep their flirtin' discreet or classy.

the hooking is fairly easy but the reeling ...
needs work.