faux-mance

ohhh man.

i'm watching dolly parton sing "i'd like to spend christmas with santa" on CMT. i think it's a movie or something. her hair is so big and i love it!

yes, it's 3:30 and i'm still in my PJ's. i just need a little healing day. i need to go to the market and get some fruit, vegetables, and milk. i need to write a paper and remember that i, samantha whitfield crowder, am a bondservant to someone who won't ever, ever let me go.

there are times that i do things and one part of me is looking on thinking, woah sam! this isn't you. get outta there!

there are so many times i just don't feel strong enough. i want to make things right, and be most true to myself and my God, but i don't want to disappoint anyone. the thing is, i just can't please everyone. it's impossible. i can't be the perfect girl to every guy who is interested. i can't be the movie-script type of person i wish i could be, and the down-right truth is that i make mistakes, all the time. and i can't tell if i'm making one now, and if i am, how to go about fixing it.

i know what type of relationship i want to have with someone. i see those kinds of relationships all around me, and i'm so thankful for that. but it's so hard to believe that i'm going to get it someday, and i don't know if i'm patient enough to wait for it. i've lost a lot of hope over the past few years, my trust has been broken and i've been hurt in ways i didn't know someone could make me hurt. everything is so mixed up right now.

"Smoky Mountain Christmas" is what this movie is! i love dolly so much.

prayers will be appreciated, to those who read this.


three days, and i'll be home :) my Christmas shopping is almost done, and i'm NOT broke! yes!