so, right now i'm sitting in my pj's, beside the fire. the tree is lit, and i'm watching some movie on superstation, and i really should be feeling happier than i feel.
i actually should be at work right now. they scheduled me for eight hour shifts, seven days in a row. first, i am very thankful for the opportunity to work. second, i like working in jewelry so much more than fragrances. third, that is just too much work for any one person!
so i called in sick and i've been in my pj's all day. i've been dealing with some heavy stuff this christmas break. sometimes i just lose sight of the things i love, and why i even love those things at all. when there are things to deal with, sometimes it's easier to just shut down for a little bit, and not deal with anything at all.
today was one of those days. one of those "i don't want to deal" days. so now i'm going to try and deal:
i'm overwhelmed with relationship....stuff. guys. there's nothing terribly crazy going on, but, i'd love to have somebody right now. i could have something, but not the kind of something i've been waiting so long for. i wish for patience, confidence in myself, confidence in what i believe, and the feeling of content at my state right now. everything around me is telling me that at this age, i should be in a relationship, and what kind of relationship that should be. it's everywhere. what's wrong with YOU if you are alone? at twenty, you should go out on dates and share kisses and have boyfriends and always play a game. you don't want to be the one being played, so always keep the upper hand. there is always a game to be played. maybe i just need to grow up a little, maybe i'm just seeing it the wrong way. i want to believe there is nothing wrong with me. and i don't like games. i like honesty, and i honestly want that.
i feel distant from God. it's been maybe two weeks since i've really just sat down and quieted myself before Him. bam, there it is. i feel dry. i want God. i want Him and i know everything else can fail and disappoint me, people i love, things i love, i can disappoint myself, but He will never fail me. it's rough to believe that sometimes. i know He's a lot bigger than we tend to give Him credit for. i want my life to be reverence of Him, celebration of Him, trusting in Him (because no matter how hard i try, i just don't and can't understand Him sometimes).
in the grand words of maria, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when i'm feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad! so here it is, my favorite things. call it counting my blessings...
-the perfect music at the perfect moment
-seeing places i've never seen before
-beautiful, honest conversation
-laughing embarassingly hard and loud
-that look, the look you see in other people when they look at you, and you know you're cared about.
-good cries. the kind that kind of burn your heart.
-stories that kind of... transport you to somewhere greater.
-great outfits you feel absolutely, simply beautiful in.
-the feeling of working really, really hard and accomplishing something.
-brown paper packages tied up with string
-driving around, looking at christmas lights with great music. (my current favorites to light-gaze to include the daylight brigade and hans zimmer's score to "The Holiday")
-cookout tray, burger with everything plus bacon minus pickles, onion rings, fries, and a huge tea. with a banana fudge shake on a good day.
-the spin doctors.
-that jewelry commercial that has landon pigg singing in the background.
-cupcakes and hot tea. specifically the tea that tom makes me at the wired scholar.
-big cities that make you feel so small, yet important for just being there.
-secretly loving trashy reality television shows, and knowing i am NOT alone!
-walking, swimming, yoga, running. just taking initiative of your own body.
-wonderful sitcoms (beverly hills 90210. gilmore girls. f-r-i-e-n-d-s.)
-mix-tapes made especially for certain road trips.
-weight watchers pink lemonade. it is so tasty!
-when things are in a state of order, and clean. i really need to clean right now.
-mutemath live in concert.
-music videos. those little pieces of art.
-warm woolen mittens.
i have a lot of good things in my life. great things.
4 comments:
oh my freaking seriously gosh! i think we are the SAME person 99% of the time. i say this in just about every entry you write, but MY THOUGHTS WRITTEN OUT, MY EMOTIONS, MY DESIRES, MY FRUSTRATIONS at this very moment .... why are we 4 hours away from each other?! i love you :) we need a phone date soon when we're both not working a buttload of hours! i just worked from 2 til midnight .... same shift tomorrow .... GAY.
I MISS YOU SOOOO MOSHHHHH.
there's nothing wrong with you.
yes ... this is, as you would say, beautifully honest. i've been thinking lately about how the world tells us we should play games, just like how the world tells wives that it is chic/witty to disrespect their husbands. what seems harmless at the time reaps consequences that are so much more difficult to reverse and heal than they were to commit. so stay strong :). that beautifully honest relationship is around the corner, no games necessary :).
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