john says, say what you need to say

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(photo by scott hammond - "the lovely road")

but what if i have so much to say and i just can't find the words for it?
or if everything i have to say is really silly and not warranted whatsoever?

what then, john?

well, 2008, i sure am glad you're here. i just want to enjoy you to the fullest i can. some reminders to myself for you, 2008: to smile more, laugh more, care less what other freakin people freakin think about me, and to fall hard in love with Jesus.

it is hard for me to say that last one. humbling. i keep wanting to re-type it and tweak it to make me sound like i have that whole thing figured out for the most part. to make me sound like i'm half the person i'd like to say i am. and, sometimes, i just have a hard time believing that it's something i'm actually willing to pray for myself, because i know that sometimes, when we pray it, we aren't prepared for what it takes for that prayer to be answered.

i just know that i want it. and i'm not afraid to say that i'm afraid of what it will take.

at this point in my life, i've never felt more pressure and necessity to know precisely where i stand, and to stand up for it eloquently, with little to no hesitation in the matter.


i was not intending for this to be the subject of this little 4 AM ramble. i'm actually quite filled with all sorts of anger and hurt, throw in a little jealously to top it off and there i am. and i had to get something out. i pity myself so much. and that's just gross. i suppose, at the root of it all, i am a selfish being and i really want to feel like i'm valued by the people i value so much. family. close friends. but lately i do not feel as if i'm getting much from either.

i also learned that "receiving gifts" is absolutely not one of the ways i receive love. i am a words of affirmation and quality time kind of person. it is best communicated to me that i am valued when there are words of affirmation spoken, and times where i am included in person.

okay, seriously? i have got to go to sleep now. i'm not making any sense and this absolutely bites as an impressive first post of 2008. nevertheless,

i am so, so blessed. my life is thick and rich with blessings from the Lord. every meal i eat and don't really appreciate. every breath i take without effort and each night of sleep i rest in a warm, comfortable full-sized bed (all to myself, nonetheless). i am so, so thankful, even in times where i could (and DO) just cry over things that have hurt me deeply or circumstances that, for lack of a fancier term, suck. my life is good, and all that is good and beautiful within it is the Lord. how good it is to see His beauty.

i said what i needed to say.

love to you this year, samantha