middle of the night

if these thoughts seem ridiculous, it's because it's the middle of the night.

my stomach hurts. i should swear off of cookout for a while.
i'm still doing good swearing off of bojangles.
and of course, mcdonald's.
and if i just keep picking them off, i'll never eat fast food again!
which is good, because today i read this article about 9 surprising diabetes risks, and eating fast food frequently is one of them. uh-oh. we are a fast food culture! no wonder 24 million americans suffer from diabetes. that and other reasons, of course, but our food habits and ignorances aren't helping. i just don't want to amputate my foot when i'm 60. i don't want my kids to see that.
it's just... i love you cheap tastiness of cookout... but you make my stomach hurt... and amputations...

here's the article, it's interesting.

if i had sooo much money, i'd eat at our daily bread whenever i wanted.
and i'd take my friends there and tell them to get whatever they wanted.
and i'd try to live a very green lifestyle because i believe in that movement, and i just like it. it makes sense, it's pretty, and it's responsible. and it's not hard to change.

it's thundering so loud and my window is open and i love it.
and i'm 22 and still kind of scared of it.
true life, i'm a storm weenie.

i am making this resume for engagement in my head lately
there's a lot of stuff on the list.
like that i want to feed my kids real food
and cook
and i want a garden with flowers and fruits and vegetables
and maybe a bee hive for honey
and i'd make such a fun wife
and a devoted one, etc etc
i'd sing you songs
i make my bed
i want to have a wedding my husband will like just as much as i do
etc etc etc
i just want someone to walk with God with me. oh-kay.
i could write you little verses and prayers and reminders and hide them on index cards folded in your pants pockets so when you go to work, you'd find it.
i make very good pb&j's
and i want to do all the things we want to do and not just say it but do it and chronicle it in pictures and writing
we could budget our money together
and buy groceries at whole foods or trader joe's or earth fare or somewhere annoying like that because our food budget would be big.

that is what my resume for engagement looks like, a little of it.

i'd like someone who'll think i'm pretty even when i'm flossing my teeth.
and will love me when i'm bloated or irritable or wrong.
i want him to feel like he's done better than he deserves, and i want to feel like i've done better than i deserve.

it's just really hard to be pretty when you're flossing so i'd really know it's love that way.


i had some ca-rayzee dreams last night.

i was accused of stealing from cabinets at my friend's rich fiancee's house and their family kicked me out, and there was lots of yelling, because i just looked in their cabinets because i was curious.

and then as i was walking away from the house the fiancee came up to me on his motorcycle and picked me up and drove me to my house because he knew i was innocent. it was a really memorable and beautiful gesture in the dream, he just... drove up really fast and kind of skidded to a stop in front of me and opened up his hand to help me up without saying anything.

and when i got there, to my house (which in my dream was our old house), i was laying in the first floor bathroom watching a kangaroo eating grubs off of our dock (that we don't have) and hoping my dad wouldn't see me. he was walking around with maggie on the 2nd floor... it was a deck-type balcony on the 2nd floor. weird.

and i was still invited to the rehearsal dinner of my friend and her fiancee. and it was at this really fancy grocery store and i was there with my mom and we didn't feel wanted there by anyone except said friend and fiancee, and there were all these crackers. and we didn't know if we could eat the crackers because they were part of the dinner or if they were just in the grocery store.

and then i was about to get married. i was all dressed and ready to go.
and i kept thinking, oh my gosh, i know i don't want to marry this guy but i don't want to call him and tell him and hurt his feelings.
so i just knew i was going to walk down the aisle and just... run away when i got up there. and then i was sad because i never want to be a runaway bride. i want to be a happy bride.

there was a lot more but those are the main parts i remember. i'm not even sick or taking medicine or anything. those are just pure, 100% healthy sam dreams. haha!